smashlee

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This has been such a HUGE learning experience.  Almost a month out, and I'm almost 30lbs. down.  I weight less than when I got married and probably really close to what I weighed in high school.  That's still no small-fry, but since my highest weight was around 295, this is progress.

I thought the weight would come off faster for some reason.  I thought recovery would be a breeze and I'd be up running around in a day or 2.  I thought as much as I love soup, I'd never get tired of it.  All of these things I've had to re-evaluate. :-)
I am losing weight so no matter how fast it comes off, I will take it and be happy about it.  I guess I let my mind think this was going to be a disappearing miracle or something...lol.  It IS an amazing tool, but this was a lesson in everyone's body is different and that I need to learn patience.  I hate being patient.
While my recovery was not a bad one, it was just much slower than what I was reading and seeing people report.  I was down and very weak for at least a week.  Pain was minimal and didn't really last but a few days but it was just the overwhelming exhaustion that took me by surprise.  I don't know why, it was surgery for cripe's sake!  I am highly drug sensitive so between anesthesia kicking my butt, struggling to get in 300 calories a day + water + protein = TI.ER.Duh!  My lesson here was another of everyone's body is different and reacts different and don't expect someone else's experience to be the same as yours.  Yup, ok, got it.
I still love soup, but this whole graduated diet took my a little by surprise.  All doctors are different and have different plans.  There are other people that had the surgery the same day as me that are already attempting a "regular" diet...whaaaa?  A few days ago, I tried 1/4 cup of egg beaters (do you have any idea how LITTLE that is?  really?  1/4 a cup??) and a Laughing Cow cheese wedge all mushed together.  It was way too heavy and made me uncomfortable.  I had that for lunch today but I also add a few drops of water and blended the crap out of it.  It wasn't pretty but it went down much better.  But about the soup thing....(squirrel!)...even if you read about it, you don't realize how you miss CHEWING something.  Sometimes I try "chewing" the soup but it's not the same.  Patience patience patience!

*sigh*

But I love the people on this forum.  Some are very "soft" I shall call it, some are very factual, some are borderline hateful (their verson of tough love?), but it's a place where I feel safe.  All these people, no matter what type of surgery they are planning, having, or had, all have battled the same demon.  Obesity.  What I find intriguing is that most people don't consider this a disease.  It's almost as if it would be more acceptable if I were and alcoholic.  If someone hasn't had a weight problem, they have no idea what we go through.  "Just lose weight."  "Just don't eat as much." "Just start exercising."  I would venture that no one becomes obese JUST because they eat too much.  Obesity is a side effect of a much bigger problem and that problem is different for different people.  To me, this is just as absurd as someone telling a gay person "Hey, just don't be gay.  You have a choice." 

It's been a while since I've blogged.  I think I got stuck in thinking it was taking FOREVER to get here, but guess what!  It's here and gone!

I have to say it was a little more rough than I had psyched myself up for.  I had read all these posts (or maybe I WANTED to read them a certain way) that people were up and back to normal life in just days.  Well 3-4 days after my surgery (Dec 17th) I felt like I had been run over by a Mack truck.  Don't get me wrong, it was not horrible by any means.  It just wasn't what I expected.

Things I've learned include, when they say only do 2 oz at a time...they ain't kidding!  About day 4 (still doing clear liquids) I was still hurting when I ate.  Then it hit me that 1. you aren't supposed to drink right before or at least 30 min after and 2. I was trying too much at a time!  So I cut back and what do ya know?  I felt so much better....duh.

I had my first follow up today and it was like I ran there I was so exhausted.  But I've lost 19 lbs. and everything they say is "normal".  I don't feel like I've lost 19 lbs.  Clothes don't really feel any different.  But I'm excited about what's to come.  I'm such a skeptic...I've gotten down to around 240 lbs. on my own so I want to see the scales in the 230s and 220s before I feel like this is real.  I'm so stubborn!

I'm on full liquids now and I LOVE soup so I'm pretty happy.  Trader Joe's tomato and roasted pepper soup is FANtastic.  It tastes rich and buttery (and I even water it down a little) and the warm makes my tummy happy.  I also made some "pudding".  A cup of Greek yogurt, a packet of SF (sugar free) banana creme pudding mix, and added probably about a cup of light vanilla soy milk.  The Greek yogurt cuts the super sweet taste (which is good for me) but it's still tasty, with added protein, and satisfies that need for a little sweet in the day.

 I'm kind of at a loss at this "thing" becoming a reality. Did I really do all those tests and appointments, and now I'm at the door to a new life?  I really am. I am not a negative person, but a very realistic person. Things just happen to me. I have my own little Twilight Zone that I exist in Nd I've learned to just go with it. Makes the little things that go right that much more gratifying. So I had prepared myself for something to happen to get in my way. Either a test to come back bad or finances to fall through...but that never happened. There were a few bumps along the way but I kept going. And now I'm here. Thursday I go for my surgery consult and get my surgery date. Whoa. 
I'm actually starting to think about what it's going to be like to not have to shop at Lane Bryant or hate the thought of shoe shopping. Will I be comfortable in my own skin or will I still be looking for something?
My whole goal of this is to be (or at least be closer to being) as happy with my outside as I am my inside. I like who I am for the most part. I detest this body. I realize that this body is my responsibility and I didn't just wake up fat one day. But there are so many other things that went in to making this body. I am at a place in life that I am going to do things FOR ME. And what a better gift to give myself than health and peace of mind?

I finally took the step and submitted paperwork for the surgery.  My bloody insurance has an exception in it that it will in no way pay for weigh-loss surgery.  I suppose they would rather pay for my medications I had to start taking at 35 y.o. for the rest of my life, hospital visits, potentional heart attack/stroke issues, etc.  Blah.  Silly burocratics.  Any way, I have the financing but I feel like all these "extra" charges are popping up and it's causing me stress.  I don't let it hold me though.  I'm doing this - the end.  I'll make it happen, whatever I need to do.

I go for my work-up on 9/18.  They do most everything in one day so I'll have my blood work, labs, xray, evals, etc. all in one day and have it over with.  This is my next hurdle to pass.  I'm nervous that something is going to come back wonky and I won't be physically eligible to have the surgery.  Until I get a surgery date, I'm afraid to get my hopes up.  I do let my self dream a little though.  Dream of being comfortable in my own skin.  Wearing clothes that don't look like burlap sacks.  Being able to be comfortable in an airplane seat.

Now, I wait...

It's been a while since I've been here.  It took me a while to actually get back to this.  I think maybe I wasn't sure before.  Since December, a lot of things have changed.  I had a very serious cardiac episode that kept me in the hospital for 3-4 days, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, and I changed jobs.  I know it doesn't sound like it but I really don't like chaos.

In the last few weeks I've started to be more aware of MY needs.  I spent my life taking care of others and giving and giving and giving.  Damn it, I'm sick of never getting anything back.  My soul feels empty because it's not replenished enough by myself and NEVER by others.  So I'm learning to be selfish.  Not in a destructive way, but paying more attention to what I need.

This is where being here comes in.  My insurance doesn't cover the surgery.  Apparently they would rather pay for me to be in and out of the hospital, on sever meds, and have several dr. appointments at the age of 36 instead of helping me use a tool that could help correct some of this.  Fine, I'll do it myself.  I've been approved for finances and go on Sept 18th for my consult appointments.  I'm still won't really believe it until I actually get the surgery date (this is me we are talking about here) but I'm moving in the right direction.  And for the first time in a while, I feel good about the future.

Perception is a funny thing, isn't it?  One person sees red, while another sees shades of orange.  What most people don't grasp or consider is that to that person, what THEY see, feel, hear is absolutely true in their mind...no matter what someone else's perception is.  And it's difficult, if not impossible, to change someones's perception depending on how strongly they feel about whatever it is in question.  I have a point, stay with me.

I hate having my picture taken.  I'm sure this is nothing new to anyone overweight.  I avoid mirrors at all costs and full length mirrors?  Forget it.  I don't even like my blurred reflection in a window.  While I don't l look at myself in a mirror, I can deny/avoid the trouble I've gotten myself into.  Not that I see myself as slender or model-esque...but I can not think about it at all.  I keep it locked, way back in my mind, that I am a full  human being worth overweight (or a set of Olsen twins).  I have thought about this lately because I spent the week with my boyfriend and he would randomly sneak pictures of me on his phone and send them to me.  Not in jest, but being bored, he took a picture of me playing on my phone.  When I see that, I think, "My God, what a pumpkin head!"  I also did a project with my mom recently of scanning old family pictures to present as Christmas presents to aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.  I noticed 2 things doing this.  1) When I look back now at the pictures, where I thought I was so fat and hideous, it wasn't nearly as bad as I felt at the time.  And 2) I almost never looked happy in any picture.  Was it because I HATED pictures, or was it something deeper that the camera caught in my eyes?  Probably both.

My point is I need to work on my body image.  I am realistic in the fact that I am fat...but I need to work on not being so hard or critical of myself.  I need to work on seeing the truth instead of seeing only the bad.  Weight loss is the beginning, but it only corrects what is physical, and while it helps, it doesn't correct what is mental.

Here I am.  I swore I wouldn't ever even consider having one of these surgeries.  It was risky and dangerous and if I really WANTED to lose weight I just would...right?  Yeah, not so much.  It's not that I can't lose weight, but I need help.  I'm getting older (oh so much older) and my body is starting to rebel.  I have astronomically high BP unless I take my medication, eye problems brought on by the HBP, high risk for diabetes, my knees and hips have quit working like they used to, and foot swelling that no one can seem to tell me why other than tendonitis from a high school track injury (yes, laugh - it's ironic ). 
I've had 2 friends have this surgery in the last 3 weeks with basically no complication.  One has already lost 20+ pounds.  I have realized I need to stop blowing this off as a frivolous even and consider that my life could depend on it. 

So I'm here.  I have an appointment on 12/1 to go to the seminar for more information.  My tendancy is to be cautious and not get my hopes up until I have more information so I wait...but maybe, just maybe this is a first step to a big adventure.