The Weekend Before Surgery

Oct 30, 2009

I have to admit that I am having so many feelings right now. I just got done with 2 tests yesterday (Surgery rotational exam and Geriatrics Course Exam), so I was extremely concentrated on that. Last night, I went to dinner with Ana, one of my best friends, and we had some thai food. I still feel like I overeat. I don't know what it is that triggers that "gotta have more" feeling. Plus, I needed a sweet last night... kind of disappointing from someone who should be on par with their pre-op diet. Although I have lost about 10 lbs, I could be losing more if I was eating cleaner. So, I went home to relax and watch the Biggest Loser. I had 2 saved on DVR. I cried throughout most of them. This season's contestants have so many emotions they're dealing with. I feel just like them. I have to get over being the 'fat girl' and the failure in weight loss. I have to get over being abused as a kid. No real excuses. The only person I let down is me if I chose to pick up that sweet or eat that next bite after I'm full. 

I know the sleeve will help me to get to the goal I'm trying so desperately to attain. I feel unworthy of this help at times, because I'm so used to failing all my diets. However, with God's grace, I have managed to do what I thought could not be done - actually have enough financing to get surgery. I have been SO blessed.  I want to be thin and love my body, I want to look pretty when my boyfriend (finally!) proposes to me, I want to impress my family and classmates,  and I want for Dr. Lopez-Viego to be proud that he has a great patient. However, some questions keep reeling through my head:

1) Will I actually lose the weight?

2) Can I keep it off?

3) Will I be satisfied with when my body choses to stop further weight loss?

4) Will I resist sweets and unhealth food choices or will I think I can do it on my own again?

5) What will I look like throughout this process?

6) Will I have complications or will the surgery pass smoothly?

7) Will my emotional reasons for eating surface when the food is no longer a source of comfort?

8) How will my body image be after the weight is gone? Will I still mentally be overweight?

I am so excited about losing weight FOREVER. I'm excited to have a chance at an even playing field. I am certain that I will never, ever love food after surgery when I see and feel the way my body responds to this transformation. My plan is to weigh myself today and take pictures so that I can continue my motivation for weight loss.  While I know the surgery will be a little rocky afterwards, I am confident that my body will bounce back and I am mentally ready for the challenge ahead. My family and friends are praying hard for me and I know that I am a success when God is in the picture.

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