Thinkin'

Nov 13, 2009

I have this obssession with the scale as of late. It's driving me crazy, so I'm trying to think out why it's so important. Here it goes:

I have been overweight all my teenage and adult life. I used to dream of getting thinner so that I could feel better in a bathing suit as a 13 year old. It's heartbreaking to think that at an age where most girls were worrying about friends and school, I was worried about body image. I guess it's reasonable to say that the little 13 year old inside of me still wants to be validated for all those wierd stares and awkward glances gotten as an overweight teen. My mind is ready to tell the world who the new Teresa is. However, being 1 1/2 weeks post-op is not a reasonable time frame for me to do it. Obsessing about how much weight I've lost does not make it come off faster. It doesn't make me feel better. What it does do is make me feel helpless when the number I want (which is to be lower than the time before, even if I just weighed 15 minutes ago) is not there. I am not failing in this weight loss journey, but what I am doing is having unrealistic expectations for myself. I didn't become overweight overnight. I will have to also be patient as my body heals from surgery and adjusts to not having the same caloric intake as before. I'm sure if I could look inside my body physiology right now, I could see my cells asking, "Where's the food?" I'm sure they're wondering what happened this last 1 1/2 weeks. They had a pretty sweet deal up until now, being the gluttons they were. But it's different now. I don't eat what I used to. I have water, milk, or crystal light to drink. I also am having yogurt and soup. That's it. No true fat, no excess sugar. No candy, no sweets. I'm sure those cells are trying to hold out because they're in survival mode from starvation. While my mind is ok and I don't feel hungry, my cells are not feeling the same way. So.... my body is catching up to what my mind already knows - I'm not going back to overeating. My weight loss to date is still 12 lbs. It would have taken me a MONTH to get that off before, and with hard work. I pretty much blinked this time and it was gone. FOREVER. What a blessing. I can be relieved that I will never see 240 or 230 again. So why the obsession?

They say in medical school that it's a marathon, not a sprint. To overwork yourself in the beginning is to your disadvantage because there's ALOT more to go. Losing weight is the same way. If I am to be successful, every little victory is a victory, not just a shrug of the shoulder. I am exercising 30 minutes a day, TWICE a day! I didn't really even do that pre-op. That's a miracle! I am re-writing my own future. I am chosing a healthy me instead of a gradual death. So, I guess the next step is to toss out the scale. No number will define my life. I am confident that I am doing the right things and making the right choices. This surgery is already a success and in 1 month, I will not be where I am now. It has always been and always will be, calories in, calories out. I KNOW what I'm puting in doesn't equal what's coming out. All I have to do is realize that if I give myself time, the cells in my body will say, "Well, the gig is up. Guess we're going on a diet. Might as well get the little we have here to work with." It will happen. It's not an IF but a WHEN. And I am here. Waiting.

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