tjroberts155

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Monday morning, and happy to say this second week of all liquids is done.  Yeah.  Although most of my meals will be liquid I am looking forward to having some food of substance.  I am also looking forward to working out back at the gym.  This last week was rough having to deal with so much stuff on top of recovery. Had to decide if I was keeping my job or taking another one, decided to stick it out.  My husband fathers is dying, and having to deal with the loss is very difficult.  My daughter needed a passport so we both waited 5 hours to get hers and mine, I forgot to plan ahead so I went a long time without substance or water, won't do that again. My other daughter had to get her disability benefits filed for so started that process. Daughters wheel chair lift is broker so we walked 4.4 miles to the movies me driving her power chair and her brother marching along with us.  That was just too far this early out I hurt afterwards.  But after a nap and a little pain med I was better.  The biggest thing this week was my mood swings.  My poor husband, I was all over the boards.  I was depressed I didn't lose enough.  I was mad I couldn't do everything for everybody. I was snippy and snappy that I had nothing of comfort for my body.  I am sure there will be more moments like that.  I am disappointed that I was under 500 calories a day and I only lost 4 lbs.  But I have lost inches and I am very happy about that.  Yeah.  This will be a great week.  Now I am going to write emails to my family and inform them of the decision I made to change my life, Gastric sleeve.  Update you next week.  t

What an interesting week this has been.  My surgery was on Monday 3/25 and went very well, but I was disappointed to see that the 8 lbs I lost presurgery were back after the surgery due to the fluids they pumped me up with.  It would have been nice to know that going in.  My First day home I hurt quite a bit but was avoiding the pain medication because I was concerned I might get constipated.  I finally said to myself give myself 3 days I would take the medicine when I wanted to nap or go to bed and then not need it and Yeah, I was right.  Advice to self take the pain meds for the first few days.  That First day, I remember saying to myself, what have I done to my body.  Am I always going to feel like this.  I can not even sip water without pain. By Thursday I was feeling 80% of normal what a difference a day makes lol.  By Friday I had planned to go to a party with dancing and friends we haven't seen in a while.  I felt like no surgery had taken place I was ready to go.  But I could not eat, drink, be around smokers and my dancing and working the room needed to be minimized so I didn't over do it. 

BOOOOOOOM, I got hit with something I didn't expect.  All of a sudden I felt, ugly, unworthy, like no one wanted my company, like the brunt of everyones jokes.  I was in a tailspin when a group of my friends went and sat at another table, since I rarely sit but had to this time, I was devasted at being rejected.  This went on until 11:00 when I lashed out at my husband, that I am going to bed and told him to stay away for an hour as I was pissed and upset.  All of these feelings of worthlessness that seemed so real.  This feeling of there is no hope for my life and nothing to look forward to overwhelmed me.  I had no sexual desire which I knew was strange especially for me but it all seemed so real so overwhelming. 

When my husband came to bed he tried to comfort me but I was having none of it.  I was angry I was hurt, i felt worthless, I could not shut off my brain.  I could not even cry.  I just want to emphasis it was overwhelming and seemed so real. So if this happens to you it too shall pass.  I am just trying to convey somehow how it felt.  Then I sent texts lashing out at the friends who didn't hang with me.  Finally after sharing several texts I realized I was depressed. OH!!!!  I understand now, I am depressed.  Well I know that when I have had these little moments before, just acknowledging I am depressed is half way to getting me out of there.

By the time Sunday was upon me I was in full depression barely keeping it together.  Visited my husbands parents for Easter.  His dad is dying and is in the hospice stages now, and even as I tried to comfort my husband, I was stuck in my head.  I tried my best from my bad place to comfort, Later when we napped together I tried to cry it out without luck.  I was so angry with myself.  Yet screaming for help.  Yet there was no help that would get me past it.

Finally as I got all the kids tucked in bed I spent quality time with My oldest and she told me about her weight struggle and she has no control and she wants to be fit for her high school graduation.  WE talked and laughed and almost cried.  WE set up a plan for her to start with simple really just drink 2 glasses of water before each meal, and exercise with me in the morning and set a limit on the easter candy she will have each day.  Then throw out the rest at the end of the week.  Take little steps. 

When I finally went to bed I logged on to my fitness pal to complete an entry for the day, and one of my Dr. C. friends had a helpful email that snapped me back.  She said a lot of people get depressed after surgery and she suffered with it for 5 weeks.  Wow, I get it this is medical, no reason to be mad at myself or others.  No reason to feel worthless or ugly.  AND.....POOOF

I was no longer depressed.  I went to bed where my loving husband was already sleeping, and surprise my sex drive was back.  Poor guy, lol. Now deep breath onward and down ward.  One day at a time.....  Thank goodness the depression is gone. 

respectfully submitted...

TJ