Tonya1263

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On Sunday for the first time in 20 years I went cross country skiing!  I went with a friend to a state park and we rented gear.   We had mapped out a 2.5 mile circuit around the park that included only the "easy" trails.  I said no problem I can walk 3 miles in an hour - worse comes to worst we'll take off the skis and walk back to the lodge.  Wellll,  I fell down within 20 ft of the park office, and I ended up falling 4 or 5 times.  I started to get better and then I started to get tired.  A few times it was scary and not fun but for the most part it was beautiful.  The weather was 21F and sunny, the snow was fluffy and white, the trails were not crowded.  At one point we were on a flat section and the only sound was the shushing of my skis and it was flat out exhilarating.  The old me would quit, she would have taken those skis off and said never again.  The new and improved me says - hey I didn't hurt myself, I had fun, I burnt (according to my bodybugg) over 900 calories and I will get better at it.  I have proved to myself that if I accept the challenge and persevere I can/will improve.  It is great exercise and cheap (the whole adventure cost $12 and that included lunch).  I am improving my balance and coordination.  So this weekend I am off to Greenwood Park to ski again - this time we are leaving earlier, I am wearing snowmobile pants and contact lenses, and we will get back to the lodge in under 2 hours.  Wish me luck.

This morning my scale said (literally-it's a talking scale) 221.1 pounds and I jumped off the scale and did a silly happy dance.  It has taken me 16 months to get here but it has been amazing.  I keep telling myself I just need to focus focus focus on building a new lifestyle for myself that includes eating well (not necessarily perfectly), drinking water, taking my vitamins, and exercising.  Everyone says they can see it from week to week but me - not so much.  Every once in a while I put on clothing and realize it fits better than the last time I wore it.  This week a very dear friend lent me some of her clothes from the "big" end of her closet so I could avoid buying more clothes during the holidays.  I can not believe that we are the same size.  She has always been my normal size friend the one I wish I looked more like and now I do.  I know that in the next few months I am going to be smaller than she is and I hope that it will not make her feel bad.  I drove to VA to see my sister and her family for Thanksgiving and she wore one of my shirts.  It was a little big but  I cannot believe that soon I will be her size as well.  I have achieved so many of my non-scale goals as well.  I went to the movies and sat comfortably in the seat, I had to tread water to avoid sinking in the deep end of the pool last week!  I wore shoes with heels (moderate of course) and boots (they are so cute).  I think nothing of going upstairs to get something - and for Christmas I carried 12 boxes up from the basement, unloaded them, reloaded them, and carried them back to the basement.  My next goal will be to lose 11 lbs to weigh 50% of my starting weight and then to lose 11 lbs more and reach wonderland.  From there it is a run for the finish line (don't you wish we knew exactly where that was?)
I uploaded a recent picture of me with a friend and some pictures of my decorating for the Season.  It took a week and I would never have been able to do it just last year!  I am looking forward to the Holidays this year - more than ever.  I am thankful to my doctor, the hospital, my friends and family and to you for all of your support this year.  May the Holidays bring you Joy!

So, I had a laparoscopic cholecystectomy (gall bladder removal) last Thursday - man what a word.  Because I had such a large gallstone it had irritated the gallbladder and caused adhesions with the bowel complicating my surgery and requiring an overnight stay.  Today was my follow-up appointment with my surgeon.  I can not say enough good things about Dr. Rahman, he is a talented surgeon, an understanding doctor, and a demanding task master.  He gently but persistently reminded me that waiting so long to take care of my bad gall bladder had nearly cost me a whole lot more than an overnight stay in the hospital (i.e. cancer, bowel blockages, sepsis).  If you have a bad gallbladder - don't ignore it get it removed!

I am finally getting back to eating normally and tracking my food and water intake.  I have not been keeping good track as I have been staying with a friend and recuperating but the time has come.  My simple philosophy -If you eat it, write it down!  You are an adult and responsible for the decisions that you make.  You can't make adjustments if you don't know how well you are doing.  I have a few goals for each day:
    Eat  80 grams of protein, drink 10 glasses of water, take my vitamins
    Avoid  added sugar, caffeine, carbonated beverages, and alcohol
    Be active 30 minutes each day. I am not going back to  exercising until 2 weeks after the surgery but I am walking around and getting in some minor activity (okay I have been shopping).

According to the ultrasound I have grown my very own golf ball inside my gall bladder!  So, I am scheduled to go back to the OR to have my gallbladder removed on Thursday.  This is not a surprise my surgeon said it did not look good when they did the bypass in March.   I keep telling myself that this will be a piece of cake, I am 120lbs lighter and much more physically fit than I was in March and this is a much less complicated surgery....still it is surgery.  I know this would have to be done whether or not I had a GB or not since this stone obviously comes from my years of yo yo dieting and not just in the last 6 months.  This is outpatient surgery so I will be home on Thursday to recuperate.  I have a wonderful friend that is taking the day off to take me to the hospital and I will be staying with her for the weekend.  I am counting my blessings without my WLS in March I would be facing a much higher risk surgery and without good friends I would be facing this alone since my family can't be here at this time.

So I had my 6 month check-up and my Dr seemed pleased.  I have lost 167lbs since I started and 105 lbs since my surgery in March.  Everyone comments on how good I look in my new clothes.  I am working out more now than ever.  But my professional life has gone to crap.  I literally don't have work to do on Monday.  So much of my self esteem has always been tied up in my work.  I have always needed to prove to myself that I have value through recognition at work.  Now I feel lost and cast adrift without purpose to anchor me.  I worry about insurance and money. I have spent the last 12 years building a life and home here for myself.  In the past 6 months I have made huge changes in my personal life and now I may have to face similar changes in my professional life.  I may have to interview for a job - terrifying.  But I refuse to eat, I refuse to hide and pretend I am not afraid for my future.  If this past 6 months has taught me anything it is that I am stronger than I thought.  
Change is scary, and painful, and stressful but it can be good.  The old me would order a pizza or 2 and some wings and eat until I was full to bursting.  I would eat as fast as possible watching TV and trying not to think of what could happen to me.  It would end with me hating myself inside and out.  Tonight I came home and called a friend to talk about my lousy day.  I had a smoked pork chop and 1/2 cup of mixed vegetables,  I am writing this blog to recognise how I feel, to acknowledge what is happening and then move on.   
On Monday I will start to network.  Reach out to people I know who know me and recognize my work. I am a qualified professional, I have a degree, awards for my work, patents for my ideas, and a security clearance.  I have skills that are of value and I am a harder worker.  The economy is bad but it won't be that way forever.  It may take me a while and I may ahve to do work that is not very exciting or challenging or fufilling or pay as well but you know what - I will make it.  If I have to start again I will.  I have done it before I can do it again.

Hey - anyone out there need a good Program Manager?!

   Today I achieved my second goal of losing 100lbs after my surgery.  Yesterday, I went shopping and bought a few new clothes for work - in a size 18/20 (mostly).  If you could have seen my face when the sales girl said - that looks too big let's try a 18 and she was right!!!!  I did a little happy dance (in the dressing room - not in front of the mirror).  I am struggling with being comfortable with my clothes fitting me tighter and hugging my body shape more.  Especially as I am extremely pear shaped at this point.  I did buy a body shaper which helps smooth me and reduce the wiggly-jiggly in my hips and butt.  Then I went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical at Level 2 - it calculated that I burned 130 cals - the most it has ever recorded!  I also did 10 minutes on the arm cycle to work on toning my arms.  In the last month I have increased my protein from 60g to 80g and my water from 7 glasses to 10 glasses a day- it seems to be working!!

So last week was Beach Week, my entire family (Mom, Dad, 3 siblings, souses, and kids 16 in all) stay in a rental house on Topsail island in North Carolina.  It was wonderful!  The weather was great, the waves were big but not dangerous, the shells were plentiful and we were all together again.
I ate well, but I did not log my food.  I focused on lean proteins and I stopped at the first sign I was full.  I did not want to get sick so no candy, cookies, ice cream, or sweet bar-b-que sauce for me.  But I did have more carbs than normal - including waffles (made with 1 scoop of protein powder per cup of pancake mix), a piece of sugar free candy (150 wasted calories of bliss), and a couple of english muffins with butter and peanut butter.  This is not the way I have been eating but I was careful to limit quantities and recognize this as a 1 week vacation not a new lifestyle. I walked and walked, I went up and down the steps, I carried chairs and beach umbrellas - i was strong and I was capable and it felt wonderful.

I have been making the lifestyle changes I need to support my weight loss since my first surgeons visit 1 year ago and I had RNY surgery March 19th of this year.  I had lost 150 lbs before leaving for the beach and I got home to find this am that I had lost another 6.5 lbs!
Apparently living in a 4 floor house, daily walks on the beach and a  2X a day swimming regimen  is good for your diet - at least for a week. 

So I had previously decided not to buy new summer clothes since they can only be worn for about another 2 months here in upstate NY and would clearly not fit next year.  I sensibly chose to wait until fall to buy new clothes.  Fine, until I stepped out of my shoes and tripped on my too loose pants on Friday and fell on my hands and knees in the middle of a hallway at work.  Embarrassing!  SO today I went to buy a new pair of shoes and found myself trying on Size 8 and 71/2 MEDIUM  instead of 9 and 91/2 WIDE.  I bought two pairs and I love them both!
Then I went to Lane Bryant and bought Size 20WP dress pants (with elastic in the waist) and then I went to Dress Barn and bought 20WP blue dress pants.  Exciting!  Now I realize that to some of you this is your before size and your thinking so what?  Before my surgery I was wearing Size 36 or bigger pants and they were tight.  Mostly I wore stretch knit pants that barely pulled over my thighs.  About 1 month after my surgery I bought Size 30WP and 3 months later I am buying Size 20WP. 
But that's not the best thing.  Tonight as I was hanging my new pants I realized that I had just walked into 2 national chain stores and bought clothes.  I no longer had to live in fear that the airline would lose my luggage and I would be unable to buy any clothes that would fit me.  For the past 3 or 4 years I have been to big to fit into clothes from Lane Bryant or Catherines, or Dress Barn, or Fashion Bug.  I bought all of my clothes from specialty catalogs.  Whenever I had to travel for work I would wear dress clothes, pack a second outfit in my carry on and pray my luggage would make it in time.
For a while I was traveling once a month and I truly dreaded the walk to the luggage carousel, especially in small towns with long stays. 
One of the things that you begin to appreciate with this surgery is how much of your life you spend in fear, fear that you won't fit through a space between chairs, fear you won't be able to fasten the seat belt, fear you won't be able to find clothes to fit you.  Being able to walk away from that fear  is one of the greatest outcomes from this surgery.

So, I am down about 130lb and everyone at work tells me how good I look.   Even people who don't normally talk to me will stop in the hallway and say - you look great! How do you feel?  (My surgery is not and never was a secret)  I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean I am glad that people are noticing how much weight I've lost.  I know you can see it in my face but I am still 289 lbs.   My BMI is still morbidly obese.  I just keep telling them Thanks I feel great but I still have a long way to go.  Why do I add that?  In some way still being so heavy makes me feel like I don't deserve the praise.  I have lost a lot of weight I do work really hard at it.  I want people to notice me - but it is still a little scary to be the center of attention.  I am trying to be gracious and thank people for their support and ask them to continue to support me as I lose the next hundred.  It is early days yet and I see the battles coming.  There are going to be ups and downs, there always are I just need to focus on what I need to do and leave the rest for someone else.

I am losing weight but lately I have been craving fast food.  I actually went to the ARBYs drive thru and bought a small roast beef sandwich and small fries.  I ate the beef (no bun, no sauce, no cheese) and a couple of fries.  It did not agree with me and I was not well for a couple of hours.  I don't understand why I did that - it just seems crazy with all I have gone through with this surgery.
Already, I am just 5 lbs from my first goal and only 3 months from my beach vacation.  No I am not planning on a bikini.  I am planning on going up and down the steps with greater ease, walking on the beach, bending over and picking up shells, and yes I will end up in the surf being battered about like a rag doll and loving every minute of it without the fear that I will be unable to walk out of the surf on my own.  This summer I hope to enjoy my vacation more because I can do more.  This is also our bi-annual family reunion and all 19 of us will be at a rented beach house for a week.  I expect at least one salvo of "couldn't you make an exception since you are on vacation" but  I will be strong!
I am working hard to establish a pattern of healthy eating.  On top of the trip to Arbys last week, yesterday I ate without a plan and ended up drinking 4 cups of skim and soy milk for a total of 1,000 calories.  I know I know we don't have to count calories but still....  I know better than to eat without a plan it's always a disaster for me.  So I buckled down made a plan for today -  I ate <800 calories, 70g protein, 21g fat, and 67g carbs (from milk, bananas, and pineapple) but no veggies.  Oh well, I will take my vitamens and hope it all comes out in the wash.