So here is how I feel...

Apr 11, 2009

I feel totally normal.  I guess I thought being small would feel uncomfortable in some way, or I would feel like those "other" people.  I feel like me.  The only problem is that I feel almost as embarassed and uncomfortable with my naked body as I did fat.  Even more so.  That is why I want plastics.  I want to feel like I can be comfortable in my own skin finally.  I worry about scars because I don't like the reminder of how I got there though.  I can't get around that...but it is the reason I am seeking so many opinions and doing so many consultations.  I want the best results with as little scarring as possible.  I am going to schedule my 4th and 5th consult when offices open after Easter weekend.  I hope I can get in quickly.  My hubby has been to all of them, and I want him to go to the rest so I have someone to bounce thoughts off of. 

I wear a size 4-6 now, and everyone calls me "so tiny".  My dad told my sister that I was too skinny, but hasn't said a word of that to me LOL.  I guess after all those years encouraging me to loose weight it seems ironic that he thinks I lost too much.  My BMI is perfect.  I just wish I hadn't lost so much in my face.  It looks sunken and that ages me a bit.  In clothes I look fabulous.  I eat pretty normally now, and have to confess I endulge a bit too often in unhealthy treats.  But is consists of 2 bites instead of gorging.  I am eating primarily healthy foods, so I guess my relationship with food has changed.  It is in NO WAY cured.  I fight temptation all the time.  I sometimes am willing to suffer the consequences of eating something that won't agree with me.  Surprisingly, I don't do that often...but it makes me worry I will eventually.  However, I am determined to keep up the good fight.  The war will never end.

I need to exercise, but don't.  I don't find the time, and it isn't a priority to me since I don't need it to loose weight.  Silly, I know, because it serves a greater purpose than losing weight.  It makes me healthy...but I have spent my whole life exercising soley to loose weight, that it hasn't clicked yet.  Maybe this summer I will take the time.

My husband mentioned that this whole WLS thing has been hard on him.  He has lost the wife he had, body and personality.  I don't see the personality thing he mentions.  I think that is in his head.  I expected a big shift with the confidence, but only in tiny ways has my personality been effected.  I think he means more how he perceives me to be.  He assumed, and maybe rightfully so, that I was less confident and likely to go it alone before.  Now he sees me as more willing to be independant.  That is what I think he means by a personality change.  We are back in counseling.  Thank God it isn't because of this surgery, just a continuation of the old issues.  Things are good ATM, but our foundation is still weak.  We don't communicate well and fight poorly.  None of that is new. 

Overall, I am terribly pleased with the results.  Now, on to plastics to finish the job!

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