ursamajor31
A Painful Realization
Apr 26, 2011
After work this evening, I decided to check out a clothing store near my house. My sister had told me the store was having a good sale. I perused the plus size clearance rack and found several fashionable items. As I walked over to the dressing room, I said a quick prayer.. 'Lord, please let these clothes fit and look nice on me'. I tried on a skirt first. Hooray! it fit and gave me some curves. Plus, It was only $4!! Sold..
Next, I proceeded to try on 6 dresses and 3 tops. All of them were unflattering. Several were too tight and emphasized my problem areas (stomach, thighs, arms). They were sizes 3x or 24 and was the largest size in the store's 'plus size' section. This store actually offers a 'super plus' section (size 26-36). As I stood in the dressing room looking at myself in the full length mirror, I finally realized just how much weight I have gained. I am now borderline super plus!! OMG. How did I allow myself to get to this state? Just four years ago, I had lost 30 lbs due to surgery (not weight loss related) and weighed in the 270's down from a high of 295. Now, I weigh 320...this is the most I have ever weighed. I gained all the weight back that I lost in 2007 plus more. SMH..
It was so sobering at that moment inside the dressing room alone. I had to take really look at myself. I finally noticed the toll this excess weight is doing to my body. I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. It's funny how you can deceive yourself and tell yourself.. 'yeah, I'm big/fat/big boned etc. but I'm not that bad. I still look good.' Well, tonight, I realized this weight is robbing me of my looks (not to mention health, etc.). Clothes don't fit like they used too. I'm going to Jamaica with some girlfriends in less than a month. I want to look nice. I haven't been able to find many things. I tried on clothes at another plus size store last week.
Tonight, I feel like I need bariatric surgery as soon as possible. I know the procedure won't be a magic cure but it will be a powerful tool to help achieve my weight loss goal. I mention in my previous post how I am an emotional eater. Needless to say, after my tramatic shopping experience (well, I did buy that cute skirt), I wanted to eat something.
Now, it would be so wonderful to be able to say that I didn't cave into my emotional eating trigger but I can't say that. I did. I promptly went to the McDonald's drive thru. It was just across the street from the clothing store. So not helpful at all. I did display some new behavior control and ordered a cheeseburger kid's meal. Well, I got 3 cookies also. Still, I stayed away from those evil combos with monster carbs, calories and sodium. My nutritionist suggest that I only order a kid's meal whenever I get the craving for fast food. She also said to substitute the fries for apple wedges and get a bottled water. Well, I didn't do that tonight. I ate the fries and had chocolate milk. Then ate a small bowl of ice cream once I got home. Arrgh!!!
Conquering my emotional eating habit is a constant battle. However, I think the fact that I can pinpoint what set it off (trying on clothes) is progress. In the past, I would have just nose dived into a bad eating binge. I slipped today but I'm getting back on track tomorrow. Writing this blog actually helps too. It is cathartic.
So, today was a bad day but I still have hope that the behavioral changes will take hold.
