My Story

Mar 08, 2013

Everyone has a different story as to why they are considering or why they have had weight loss surgery. This is mine. 

I suppose my first memories surrounding an unhealthy preoccupation with food came from my grandma and mother.  As far back as I can remember, my grandma has been on a diet.  The interesting thing about it is that I can't remember her ever really losing weight.  My mom, on the other hand, used to be a drug addict.  Once she became drug free, she developed a new addiction- food.    I can't remember her being thin, but I have pictures, and she used to be beautiful.  

My personal experience with these issues began around the time of puberty.  I started eating more, and the few extra pounds resulted in comments.  Kids can be cruel (and so can their parents), and it doesn't help when you are on a swim team and wearing a swimsuit daily as you start developing curves.  I became very insecure and awkward.  I remember a time in 6th grade when I was told by the popular girls that they didn't like me and didn't want me hanging around them.  I cried, and they apologized so I wouldn't tell the teacher.  That's about the time I started not doing as well in school.  I always got good grades, but they weren't as good as they could have been.  

High school began, and I stayed awkward, but had new friends.  I was still very self-conscious.  Sophomore year was when I started developing my own style, and gaining more confidence (though I'm not sure I was aware of it).  A turning point for me was the summer before junior year.  I remember eating a pint of ice cream at my friend Jen's house (cookie, and something in that feeling caused something within me to change.

The next day, I weighed myself.  I was 144 pounds.  Utterly horrified and disgusted, I started an extreme diet.  Mind you, I am 5'7".  A healthy weight for me is between 118 and 146.  I was still in that healthy weight range, but it didn't matter.  My brain only registered the distorted perception of myself. This diet lasted for about a month, but was all I needed.  I ate very minimally, and beat myself up if I ate more than what probably amounted to about 600 calories a day.  It's fun losing a pound everyday though.  It's rewarding to see the scale drop every time you weigh yourself.  I was also experimenting with diet pills at that time.  However, I was unable to take the ones with ephedra (it was still legal at the time) or excessive caffeine.  The one time I did, I thought I was going to die.  My heart felt like it would burst.  Not a good feeling.

After a month of this diet, before school started again, I was down to 121.5 pounds.  That's the thinnest I have ever been in my post-pubescent life.  I fit into sizes 2-4, and felt free, for once in my life, from this obsession of food and weight and self-hatred.  I kept the weight off for a year or so, but started gaining weight in the middle of senior year.  That probably is related to the fact that I wasn't swimming two hours daily anymore.  

College was fast approaching.  I had to lose weight before it started.  I kept pushing the diet off, and much to my chagrin, I didn't lose the weight (I was probably 140 pounds at the time).  I gained some weight, but remember ending freshman year having lost roughly 10 pounds without even realizing it.  Walking to the various buildings on campus for classes proved to be effective exercise.

Sophomore year of college started, and a very difficult part of my life began.  My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me, and I was devastated.  Without realizing it, I lost weight because of the pain of the heartbreak.  This was the only time in my entire life that I couldn’t eat.  It is even more astounding because I am an emotional eater.  I must have been too emotional to overeat.  I was down to 130 again.  That was probably the last time I successfully lost weight.  After a few months, since I was thin in my mind, I figured I could drink regular pop.  Who cares about the calories?!  I don't remember what my eating habits were like.  Not sure when I gained weight, but it creeped up to about 165 or so.  I wore a size 12 and stayed that weight for two years (feeling self conscious and fat the entire time) until summer/fall of 2009.  That's when everything changed again.

I haven't yet mentioned this, but I have been previously diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder.  It is basically a persistent, low-grade depression.  I've had it for years.  However, in the summer/fall of 2009, I developed Major Depressive Disorder, which lasted about 6 months.  In those 6 months, I gained 80 pounds, isolated myself from my friends, and had no energy to do anything.  My friends were worried about me, but I couldn't really feel anything.  Or maybe I felt too much, not sure.  I ate everything I could.  All my previous bad/obsessive actions involving food were magnified.  I would lie about food (“no, I didn’t eat dinner yet”), eat constantly, had no control, etc.  It's amazing and sickening how much weight I gained so quickly.  

Well, here I am now.  I believe that the major depression is over, and am working on getting my life put back together.  I weigh 282, and have been around this weight for over a year.  I am no longer gaining weight, but I'm not losing either.  

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