Question:
I will be seperated soon should I leave before or after sugery?
My wife has said that she will not support me and will leave if I decide to "screw myself up for the rest of my life." I have decided to go ahead with WLS and I don't know if it will be easier to leave her before or wait and see if she stays(I really don't think she will.) I have been divorced before and I am too chicken to leave because of what my friends and family will say. Our marriage has always been on rocky grounds, and it will most likely just get worse after WLS. I don't want to be left when I am recovering, and unable to support myself. Has anyone been through this (knowing that their marriage is ending) at the same time as their WLS? Any suggestions to make this seperation easier? Any comments will be appreciated! — Andrew R. (posted on November 11, 2001)
November 11, 2001
Thankfully I dont have problems like yours but would hang in there as best
you can. Once you start loosing she could change her mind. If she is MO
herself your success might motivate her to get surgery herself. Have the
both of you attended support group meetings? She could be supportive if she
sees for herself other successful post ops....
— bob-haller
November 11, 2001
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about this struggle. I have been
through divorce after 20 years and now I just broke off a 2 year
relationship. I also struggled with whether I should break off that
troubled relationship now or wait until after the surgery, not wanting to
face both at the same time.....I guess for me, I decided that there will
likely be lots of changes emotionally as well as physically and dealing
with my own challenges would be enough without complicating things over a
troubled relationship. Best of luck to you...be strong.
— Joelle B.
November 11, 2001
I'm so sorry to hear about your problem. I was very fortunate to have a
supportive husband..but many don't. I have heard from many sources that
this surgery usually ends bad marriages but strengthens good ones. It sure
seems to be the case. I would predict the worst with yours from your
question, but would hate to give up on it. I'm not a marriage
counselor...I don't even play one on tv, but I can ask if you have
considered one option. What about preparing for the worst...but hoping for
the best? Just prepare as if she won't be there and will leave you during
recovery. Or plan like she's already gone. That way, you won't look like
the heel leaving and if you beat the odds and she comes around, you'll be
all the better for it. Does this sound feasible? I sure wish you all the
best in this situation and Congrads on your surgery:)
— Nicole P.
November 11, 2001
YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU OR SUPPORT YOU. This comes from the
heart..from deep within. Do what is right for you. Don't make hurry
decisions. Take it from me i'm 58. Set your eyes to the goal but dont
bowl evyone over getting there. Just go one step at a time. Why are YOU
leaving. I have to tell you i thought of someone i know. His wife got mad
and put all his stuff out on the pourch.. He came home and shouted..HEY I
DON'T KNOW WHERE THE H*** YOUR GOING BUT YOUR NOT TAKIN MY STUFF WITH
YA!!!! I hope that makes you smile. Going thu a seperation or divorse is
SOOOO painful. She may be feeling like they said...insecure. If it was
ME, I THINK i would just proceed on slowly and carefully and if she won't
help, hire a person for a couple of days if you have to when you get home,
but do what you must do to take care of YOU. I CANT DO MUCH BUT ILL SURE
PRAY FOR YOU. Jacki
— Jackiis
November 11, 2001
Well, I tried to email you and your email did not work. So if you would
like someone to chat with email me. I can be a shoulder to lean on !!!!
[email protected]
— Cathy B.
November 11, 2001
Andrew, I am sorry you are going through this. But definately don't make
any harsh decisions. Prior to even considering WLS, I had seen a lawyer
about seperation from my husband. By the time I went to my consultation, I
had decided to do it. The lawyer advised me, not to leave. Stay in your
home without the worries of finding another place, moving your stuff out,
etc. It is your home too. Have your surgery and recover in the comfort of
your own home. If she wants to leave, let her.
As far as recovery, some of the best advise my family was given in my
support group prior to WLS was not to baby me. Sure, I hurt for a few
days, but enjoyed time left alone, and found I was very self sufficient. I
had open RNY 4 weeks ago, and was taking care of myself the day I came
home. If you think you may need some assistance, start a network with your
friends and family to help you out. If they question why your wife won't
help you, be authentic, tell them she doesn't support your decision to have
WLS.
In addition, your wife is not going to leave you because of WLS. I would be
willing to bet she is already not happy in your marriage and this is just
her excuse to get out. Been there, done that!! Good luck!
— [Anonymous]
November 11, 2001
Dear Andrew, I am sorry to hear that your marriage isn't going well.
This is my ongoing story.... My husband and I have talked divorce civilly
for the past almost 2 years. (Just after our daughter was born). When I
decided to have this surgery, I also decided to get separated. Talked it
with my husband, and he wanted to help me out in this surgery and recovery.
So we didn't get separated. He hasn't been the best of spouses during
this time, but it is easier not being along 24/7 with 2 small kids.
However, that said, he went to work the day after I came home from the
hospital and I had to care for my then 6 yr old and my 18 month old plus me
myself. No problem. I was surprised at how sufficient I was. I am now 3
months post op, and doing fabulously. We still talk divorce, but it isn't
the right time just yet in our lives. We still live together, and are not
separated yet. But within the next year we will be. I don't know what
your situation is with yourwife, but do what is right for you. My
suggestion is to weigh the pros and cons of her staying and leaving. Just
like you did when You decided on the surgery. Then, once you have
determined which is better for you and why, then sit down with her and
talk. She might surprise you and support you during your surgery.. perhaps
not. I was shocked when my husband decided to stay to help out. Best of
luck to you for this really is a life changing event, not to mention the
events in your marriage. I hope you do well. :)
— [Anonymous]
November 11, 2001
Let me just put in my 2 cents worth. Stay until you recover.
And hey .... you're going to be looking good soon!!! There's plenty of
women out there. Who knows maybe you can
meet someone here on the site. Good Luck, God Bless you!!!
— [Anonymous]
November 11, 2001
First off,bravo for still going through wls,and not letting your spouses
emotional blackmail win over what you know is right. If you truly know the
end is near,then let her walk,now before wls. In the long run it will be a
little easier knowing you had some control/or say in the matter instead of
letting her call the shots. Your friends/family will always have something
to say about ever facet in your life,but you obviously can handle that,you
decided on wls,and if friends/family know about that decision,then
"divorce" either for the 1st time or the 100th time,won't give
them much to talk about.They may surprise you,and if they don't......oh
well that's their issue not yours.And that goes for you
soon-to-be-ex-spouse as well,leaving may be hard to do right now,but it
will be handled better now,then when your trying to recover from
surgery.You are taking control of your life w/the step of wls,continue that
in every aspect of your world,you owe it to yourself to be in the best
frame of mind for this wls journey,and having that much negativity in your
own home before/during/or after surgery is not worth it. I would rather be
alone to recover in peace,then to have someone who is obviously
unsupportive and non-caring bringing me down every minute of
everyday.Andrew divorce is an ugly thing,but it will only get worse if you
let it drag on. Take it from a truly,head-strong "b" of a
woman,end it now,what you need is support,so advise friends/family that
they can either keep their negativity to themselves,or they can just step
aside!!!!!! Good luck/much love, Jenn
— JENNIFER C.
November 11, 2001
I posted this yesterday at work (no home computer) and I am really
surprised at the number of responses! I went home from work yesterday and
talked to my dad on the way home and let him know that I was going to have
WLS and he was very supportive(a real surprise!) my mom was at work so dad
said that he would have her call me when she got home (too many workaholics
in my family :-)) I called her after I got home and slipped out to get a
newspaper. My wife called while I was on the phone with my mom and she
asked what I was talking about. Well, I told her and the s**t really hit
the fan. I got home and she (my wife) asked if I wanted the house or if we
were going to sell it, because she will be moving out. From 5 to 11 we
argued and she tried to get me to change my mind but I kept giving her
statistics and what I would be looking at without the WLS (heart problems -
runs in the family, a second back surgery, bad knees{or worse knees})
finally at 11 she relented and said she has put too much work into me to
just throw it away. I think that she changed her mind because I kept
telling her that I love her and I didn't want her to leave, but I have
decided that I WILL have this surgery with or without her. For those of you
that are trying to e-mail me, my e-mail has been restricted and I will get
a new e-mail address soon. THANK YOU for your wonderful support! I would
have not gotten this far without all the people on this website!
— Andrew R.
November 12, 2001
Andrew, I'm sorry you are having so many issues to deal with. My husband
was vehemently against me having the surgery that I needed so desperately.
I gave in and never had it. He was killed in an accident in December 1998.
I finally had surgery in April 2000, after a year of waiting and research.
Although I was doing something totally against his wishes, it has been the
best thing I've ever done for myself and our children - I would do it over
in a heartbeat, and wished I would have done it during his lifetime. Our
lives would have been so much better if I could have convinced him to agree
to the surgery. You are going to need a lot of help and support following
your surgery - it took me about 3 months to get back to normal. This is a
decision that you will have to soul search for, and I do wish you the best.
Feel free to email for support.
— [Deactivated Member]
November 12, 2001
I originally posted this message, again - thanks to every for your support.
By the way, I have set up an e-mail 'cause my other email was blocking
outside messages. You can email me at [email protected] I know it's
kinda corny but I was in a hurry. Thanks to everone again!
— Andrew R.
November 12, 2001
Andrew, have your surgery. Don't worry about what your wife is going to do.
Round up some friends in case she just leaves. Honestly, if she is going to
leave you immediately post-op, you will be better off without her... what
kind of loving partner would leave someone who just had
surgery?!<p>My husband has been talking about divorcing me for two
years now (started while I was pregnant with our now 22 month old
daughter). About four weeks post-op when I was fully back to speed, I said
sh*t or get off the pot.. go if you're going to go. The emotional issues of
going back and forth were making me insane and my daughter and I *don't*
need it! He rented a condo last week and will be moving out
soon.<p>You have lots of friends here and if you find an in-person
support group where you live you'll have friends that can actually come
help you too. Other than grocery shopping, and needing to move slowly at
first, you probably won't need too much help once you're home especially if
there are no children or pets to care for.<p>You are <b>number
one</b> and you have to get your health back. *Then* you can assess
your relationships and decide what to do from a position of strength. Who
knows?... your wife might leave you, you might feel much happier, and 50 or
100 lbs down, you might find a WLS babe here! :-) Good luck and keep your
profile updated so we can send you moral support via email.
— Julia M.
November 23, 2001
Let her leave! My husband fully supports my decision because he realizes
that it will not only benefit me, but him too in the long run. I will be
able to help him where I have not been able to in the past due to my weight
issues. He realizes I will be happier, which means he will be happier. If
your wife doesn't want you to be happy and healthy then she doesn't love
you. Let her leave!
— Shere C.
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