Question:
Need Advice on Coping with Boyfriend's CRAZY Family
Ok, let me set the stage here. I am 9 1/2 months post-op LAP RNY. My journey has been amazing. I am loving life right now. My friend, family, co-workers, and especially my boyfriend have been AMAZING as far as support goes. Well, my boyfriend is scheduled to have his LAP RNY in 13 days. His family, on the other hand, is extremely ANTI this surgery. His mom is at least 250 pounds overweight and not only does she have NO idea what really happens with this surgery, I think she's mostly afraid of being the last fat person in her family. His dad is not overweight, but has a TON of health problems including diabetes, which is turning into a very serious problem for him right now. Neither one of them are supportive of him. My boyfriend finally got the courage today to tell them that he's having the surgery. Then this evening I get a SCATHING voice mail from his dad telling us that this surgery is ridiculous and that he should just eat right (his dad doesn't even eat right!). ANYWAY, my instant reaction was to call his dad and go off on him about his lack of knowledge about this... but I've tried educating him before and he just doesn't want to hear it. My boyfriend has support from my family (my parents are even going with us to San Diego for his surgery to offer their support), but it makes me SO mad that his parents are so anti it when they have no idea what it's about. After ALL that rambling... here's where I need advice: Do I keep trying to educate them (as I have in the past)? Or do I just shut my mouth and ignore their rude remarks? I know there's got to be others who've had to deal with this kind of ignorance and I just don't know what to do... THANKS SO MUCH!!!!!!! — Renae (posted on July 17, 2003)
July 16, 2003
Hi Renae. What's the old expression about how we can pick our friends but
you can't pick your family? His family's callous disregard for your
boyfriend's decisions will someday come back to bite them in their
backside. Some people are very open to learning about this surgery. Some
people are very close minded and have already made their decisions based on
little or no information. You can't teach someone who doesn't want to be
taught. Congratulations to you and your friend. Be as supportive as you
can. A standing ovation for your family for lending support also. It's
wonderful to have a support network like that in place. All I can say is
be happy that you have each other and that your family is supportive. His
family will either come to accept the situation or not. It will be their
loss if they can't come to terms with his decision. Best of Luck to you
both.
— Pam S.
July 16, 2003
His mom is likely on everyones case since she does not want the surgery
herself and fears people will reess her to do it too. Just avoid thewm till
after his surgery, theyt may come around seeing him do well. Be prepared
men loose fast and get to goal easier. This still bugs my wife since we
both had surgery.
— bob-haller
July 17, 2003
People that are closed minded are usually not going to get an education
even if you slap them in the face with the facts. His family sounds just
ridiculous. I would tell them that I have attempted to educate them and
they are obviously not interested, and since they think their opinion is
the only valid one, perhaps they should keep it to themselves for their own
reference. I would caution that your boyfriend needs positive
reinforcement at this time. It would probably not benefit him in the least
to be subject to their negative comments. He should consider if these are
the kind of people he needs to be around at this time. Good luck to you.
— TameraD
July 17, 2003
This is an issue between your boyfriend and his family. The only place i
see where it might be any of your business is it kind of sounds as if his
father might think you have put this idea of surgery into his head. Your
boyfriend needs to straighten them out on that. Not you. The best thing
you can do is keep quiet and continue to support your boyfriend. As far as
educating them, it is very hard to educate narrow-minded people.
— Delores S.
July 17, 2003
hello, i understand why you are so upset. you love your boyfriend very much
and you don't like seeing him hurt because of his family's comments.
but..... it is not your place to say anything to his family. even if you
were married, it would still be only between him and his family. how old is
your boyfriend?if he is living on his own and is over 18, he doesn't need
permission or approval from his family. do not try and educate them
yourself(because they don't want to listen). if i were you i would avoid at
ALL COSTS bring of the subject of wls to them or when they are around,
because it will just turn into a big debate and their will be alot of hurt
feelings. also...if they see after the surgery that he is doing well and is
feeling better they might come around, but if everybody makes such a big
deal out if it(meaning pro's and con's) then they might feel embarrassed to
admit that the surgery was a good thing and the hurt feelings will continue
for a long time.
— franbvan
July 17, 2003
It is too bad that your boyfriend's parents are treating him so poorly.
Everyone is right that trying to explain WLS probably won't help at all. I
just wanted to mention one more thing. If you are planning a long term
relationship with your boyfriend, it will be important that he has the
skills to deal directly with his family on all matters of conflict and keep
you out of the middle. It took me forever to learn this lesson, but trust
me, you'll be far better off if you give him the opportunity to learn to
manage his relationship with his parrents and don't try to do it for him.
— Amber L.
July 17, 2003
Original Poster Here - WOW, you guys are the greatest. I have read each
and every one of your responses a number of times and I can't express my
appreciation. After getting some sleep and cooling off a bit, I realize
that it's not my responsibility to try and change their minds. All I can
do is focus on supporting Michael, and that's what I intend to do. Thank
you all SOOOOOOO much!!!
— Renae
July 17, 2003
It's too bad you can't "untell" them! I also have
"toxic" parents (although they are better than they used to be).
I chose not to tell my parents until I was 5 months out. Since the cat is
out of the bag, the best thing you can do is avoid them until after the
surgery. If they want to spout venom over the phone, suddenly develop an
emergency so that you must hang up. (I often use this tactic with my
parents when they feel compelled to spout racist crap over the phone: Oh,
my gosh! The cat is hung up in the curtains! I'll have to call you back.
CLICK They finally got the point.)
— ctyst
July 17, 2003
Hi Renae- Your boyfriend also has the option of NOT tolerating his
family's negative behavior. Maybe he could tell them he's heard their
opinions, now they need to STOP, and if they don't cut the crap, he will
not remain in their presence. He may actually have to leave, hang up the
phone, etc, a few times before they get the point. Some posters have
pointed out that it's really between your boyfriend and his family, and I
have to agree. But you can certainly support his positive efforts :o) One
thing though, Renae, when your boyfriend is in the hospital and/or
recovering from WLS at home, because he will be weak, that may be the time
that you have to step in to stop his family's bad behavior. If they come
up to the hospital and are mean or unsupportive, they should be asked, no
excuse me, TOLD to leave! Best of luck to both of you :o) Mea
— Mea A.
July 18, 2003
Hi Renae I never try to push my opinion on anyone but you didn't mention
how your boyfriend feels about his families behavior. I know how hard it is
to deal with a significant others family. I know most of my family is very
supportive and the other 2 just have that musclehead attitude. They have
always been thin and healthy and didn't ever have to work hard at being
that way. What I ended up doing was i sent them tons of litature by mail.
The litature ranged from why I am obese how I got that way and what it
would mean if I didn't have the surgery. After about the 10th mailing they
finaly said they were sorry and excepted my plight. Denial is a rough thing
for us to deal with it's even harder to deal with anothers denial so keep
you chin up and communicate with your boyfriend and it will work it's self
out. Besides he is the one who will make the final decision for his
life.....
Thanks Dan
— D P.
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