OT but I need parental advice. What would you do?

This has been a horrid week for my daughter. She will be 11 next month and is going through hormonal changes for starters. So she is super emotional. Well Wednesday at school she overheard a boy in her class telling someone that all girls are retarded but then he said especially Talya (my daughter)  Well last night she gets a call from a boy in her class that she sort of likes and has for a few years. He told her someone left him a note in his desk saying that they knew that the two liked each other and the only way to stop them from telling the whole school is by my daughter pulling her pants down and showing this boy her underwear.  I know to an adult it may sound amusing but my daughter is being hurt by all this crap she is very sensitive and would never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone. As a mom I am so scared for her. I was awake half the night trying to figure out how to handle this. Do I yank her out of school and home school her. Do I work real hard teaching her how to deal with people like this?? Any advice would be welcome. Oh did I forgot to mention they covered the basics of puberty and what it all means a few months back.

WOW!  That's a tough age! (I have a 10 year old son, but never had anything like that happen to him, yet!)  I don't think I'd pull her out of school.  I think lots of teaching and coaching is in order.  Make sure she knows about boundaries, appropriate behavior of kids her age (requesting to see underwear is not one of them..ha), and peer pressure.  I know it seems like such a big deal if someone tells the whole school who you like at this age...but I think putting it all in perspective with her (ie: it's not the end of the world, though it may seem like it to an 11 year old) might help.  I even asked my 15 year old daughter's opinion (as she is closer in age) and she said she never remembered anything like this happening at that age (but she also agreed you shouldn't pull her out of school...it would be more traumatic and she could think she is "running away" from the issue.)  So, your daughter probably needs to know that this is not an appropriate request, at any age.  Pre-puberty is SOOO tough!    Just my opinions.........WOW!  I wish you luck!  Hope you have a great weekend!!!!!  Ruth

Kathy, I don't find it amusing at all I find it scary!!  My jaw dropped when I read what the note said she had to do.  My first thought is to contact the school to let them know what is going on.  My second thought is if you pull her out of school and home school her does that show her to run from trouble and difficult situations?  Your idea of teaching her how to deal with people like this is a wonderful option.  Although a very difficult situation it is also a teaching opportunity that will help her with the rest of her life.  Teaching her coping skills and how to deal with difficult people at the age of 11 will set her up for the toughest years to come.  If you don't mind I will share the story with my sister who teaches  7th grade at Lake Region Middle School ~ see what she thinks from a teachers perspective.  This scares me even more knowing I have 2 children, though very young, they will have to deal with things like this.  Hugs and Support coming your way.

So hard as a mom to not want to protect her kids. I was up half the night worrying and praying trying to come to some kind of resolution. I am going to email the teacher and let her know what has been going on. Kids can be sooooo mean. I was always the brunt of the fat jokes myself. I hurt for her though.

Thank you both so much I knew I could count on my family for support.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH I wish we could wrap all our kids up until they are 30 and know how to deal with the bullies of the world!!! My grandgirl who is 8 went through some of this crap(not the sexual reference but mean girl stuff) and I told her to kill them with kindness. Kids expect same behavior from their peers...for example, somone bragging on the bus about how fast they are, and she is slow(actually she can beat his a-- but anyway-she said to him, Bobby you ARE really fast!! He didn't know where to go with that, shut him right up... Your dgt, because she didn't have that kid say she was retarded to her face, didin't have that option. My guess is he likes her, we are talking 11 here, this is how boys "like you". So, for her, what does she know about herself??Is she retarded???whatever that means now...Is she kind, is she smart, does she care for animals and other people...take her through the truth of her...for her. Then does it really matter what others say if SHE knows the truth...then...there are mean people in the world, she will have to learn to stay away from them..as Timothy  says in the Bible-"there are wicked people in the world-stay away from them" Remind her she is Most wonderfully made by a God who loves her-and that you love her...and KNOW her...the boy doesn't . much love and support, kate

Good Morning Kathy, i'm so sorry you and your dgt. are going through this, I soooo know how she and YOU feel, i've been there myself, being bullied, and saw my dgt. go throught it.  I do agree tho, that taking her out is a way to show her to run away with problems.  I also think that this is part of growing up, as mean as it may be.  It certainly is a lesson hard learned,  It doesn't make it easier.  boy I"ll tel you there were times I could have killed some kids.  My heart was broken,  I would certainly go see teacher or principal, that is a sexual problem, this kid should be watched.  Just give her love and show her you will stick by her and do all you can without having her give up.  she will make it through, and it might not be the last time.  when my dgt went through it, her brother, saw it happend, and was always there in her defence, he is 3 years younger then her.  but poor kid didn't want to get picked on either.  It was hard, since he was the jock, smart, looked up at, and he didn't want to see her go through it and didn't want to loose his leadership either. Have her join clubs, sports, music, whatever she can, the busier she is the better, and will get lots of other frineds who will defend her. Hang in there Kathy,   CHeryl

Hey Kathy,  I agree with the others--don't pull her out of school. She will, unfortunately, have to deal with other situations and places in her life that aren't entirely welcoming and nurturing and it's best that she learn how to cope now--while she is at the same time learning lessons from those who DO love and care for her on how to be a strong, powerful woman someday!  Bullying is so hard though... I can imagine you'd want to just shield her from that. My niece is going through some of that now and I feel the same way. And I went thru it when I was younger from time to time. It seems harder now though....there is the worldliness of society to contend with, and it seems that some children are more troubled--and their behavior more troubling! Case in point, the note referencing pulling down her pants. That is CLEARLY inappropriate sexualized behavior and ya gotta wonder where THAT kid learned it? In an adult world, let's remember that would be called sexual harrassment and legal action could potentially be taken. I too feel the kid that wrote that note needs to be spoken to AND monitored.   The other thing I've long since learned with bullying is that listening is paramount. The child/teen needs a "safe place to fall" because to THEM, the peer group is hugely important and to have that threatened is a loss that must be taken seriously. My mom has always been willing to listen but sometimes even today, talks in cliches. I don't feel this is helpful. The old "When I was your age...." doesn't ALWAYS help and neither does minimizing so I'm glad you aren't going that route and that you are taking it seriously.   I think I'd set up a meeting between myself, the teacher, and perhaps the principal and the boy's parents if possible.   Did you happen to see (about a year ago I'm guessing) a show Oprah did on bullying? It was sooooo powerful! This woman who is apparently quite knowledgeable on the subject (can't remember her name, sorry) goes into the schools and does this "anti-bullying" program. The kids at the school learned as a result that they have much more in common than they thought and were able to come together and support each other after this program. If I can find it online I'll come back and let you know. Take care, Lori

I volunteer at a alternative high school and I also have a 12 year old boy. Please talk to the teacher, counslor or principal to alert them that this happened to your daughter. She has the right to go to school safely and not be bullied or harrassed.I am sure after it is looked into someone is trying to hurt your daughter or the boy and it does need to be dealt with now. Thank you for being a concerned parent!! You would be surprised how many parents are not. Keep us posted