Maybe at 150...

OK - I've been trying to post this to my blog screen, but for some reason it just isn't working...so I decided to go ahead and share it here.  I don't intend it to be whiny, it's just a glance at my current state of mind.  I'm interested to hear your opinions...I know they will help - they always do.

Thanks,
John

It has been 80 days today since my VSG on 5/5/08, and my scale shows that I have now lost a total of 54 pounds since surgery - a grand total of 102 pounds since my first appointment with Dr. Walton. I have been aiming for the "100 pounds gone" ever since my first encounter with the idea of WLS... now it's here... I'm not sure what happened, but I'm just not very excited about it...

I have plenty of reason to be excited. My knees, feet, back and hips do not hurt at the end of the day. Today, I am wearing the smallest work pants I own. I've had to drill new holes in my belts to be able to keep my shorts and pants from falling off. I have not experiences any significant nausea or ANY vomiting since my surgery. At this point, I can pretty much eat small, well-chewed portions of most anything I want (except chicken breast, which still causes significant pain no matter how well chewed it may be.) I know that I look better because people keep telling me so. I am exercising most days, so I feel physically stronger. My PCP is likely going to take me off my BP meds when I go back to see him next week, and I think I will be fine without them now. I don't have any trouble getting my water in most days - usually over 100 ounces before lunch. My watch, rings, and shoes are all too big, but I'm dealing with it for now.

BUT, here's the thing... even though everyone told me, and I thought I was emotionally prepared, there is still something of a letdown going on... my life has not turned into the fantasy I wanted it to become. I still find bills in my mailbox most every day. My gas gauge still seems to be perpetually on empty.  I still have to make the same daily commute in the same traffic. The laundry still has to be done and so do the dishes. My Power Ball numbers have NOT come in as the big winner. In short, all the annoying daily things that were part of my life 81 days ago are still there - even 102 pounds lighter. I knew they would be, but somewhere deep, deep down, I guess there was a kernel of hope that thought everything might be better. I don't think I'm the only one who has had this reality check jump up and bite them in the ass...

One of the biggest things I have run into is that there is still a fat man staring back at me from my mirror. I've discussed this issue with others on this journey, and they all say that this is one of the things that takes the longest to change. I wi**** wasn't... I'm not delusional - I realize that even at this weight, I am an obese person. I just thought I would be able to see the difference that others can see - but I really can't... I'm trying to get some recent pictures developed so that I can put them side by side with the old ones. Maybe when I can see both at once it will help me see the change.

Anyhow, I've made it over the "100 pounds gone" mark, and I'm still going. I will keep following my plan and work to keep up with my water and exercise and protein. I'm sure I will have better days coming soon. There's another Power Ball drawing in two days... maybe then... maybe...

John, first let me say thanks for being so honest and real. Since I have only begun my WLS path I won't say "I know what you mean". But from where I stand the best thing about your blog is that you seem to have a better understanding of yourself.  Your not being whinny...just truthful with yourself. That is the begining of growth and room for big changes in your life if you want them.
Cheryl

OMG John, I can totally relate to what you are feeling. I just started feeling the same way about a month ago. It just must be something that we go through. Alot of times lately I just feel really depressed. My family ask "why are you depressed, you have lost weight?" This is so true and I have so much to be thankful for and I am, but there is just this feeling of gloom and doom. I honestly think I am just now mourning the loss of my best friend food. I did great the first 5 months. I didn't really miss it, but now find that I do. Don't get me wrong, I am still doing okay, I just find myself wanting to go back to old habits.

I'm thinking that this is probably a normal feeling and I keep telling myself it will pass. If you think about it, we spent many years relying on food to get us through everything from sadness to happiness,etc etc. I'm not quite sure if that will ever go away. But the main thing for us to remember is that we don't ever want to go back to that point that we were when we started this journey. You hang in there buddy, and I will too because we are important and we deserve this. I take one day at a time and somedays I have to take one second at a time.

When the world gives you 100 reasons to cry, show the world you have 1000 reasons to smile. ((((((HUGS))))) Rita

I feel the same way sometimes and i am 8 months out,,,,,,,,at first it was no problem to deal with emotional issues without my good buddy food , but now i am finding it hard to do at times ... i want to go back to old habits and find that comfort , but i have to work through because i know i can never go back there . 

John, thank you for your honest post.  I totally understand how you feel.  I am down 43 pounds since my first meeting with Dr. Walton.  I am down 72 pounds from my all time high.  I know in the intellectual part of my brain that I am smaller but the rest of my brain hasn't caught up.  Most of us spent so many years telling ourselves that when we lost weight we would do- well fill in the blank.  Now that we have lost weight we feel that we should feel different than before.  I knew this was going to happen for me.  I know it will take time for the entire brain to catch up with the reality.

The one major shock for me is how I feel about getting rid of my too big clothes.  I thought it would be easy for me.  I was wrong.  I am having separation anxiety!  Everytime I lost weight before I always kept my "fall back" clothes and of course needed them again.

We were warned that this was a wild ride.  Boy, is that true!

By the way, John, you look FABULOUS!!!!  We need to surround ourselves with people who CAN see how much we have changed and will tell us. Keep up the good work.

Denise

IN THIS SOCIETY THAT WE LIVE, FOOD IS USED TO CELEBRATE EVERYTHING AND THAT IS A HARD THING TO GET AWAY FROM. I THINK THAT WE ARE IN MOURNING FOR OUR BEST FRIEND FOOD WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR US. I DON'T KNOW THIS YET BUT I THINK IT WILL GET BETTER. BY LOSING THE WEIGHT WE WILL HAVE A BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE AND HOPEFULLY A LONGER LIFE. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE ON THIS JOURNEY. WE ARE ALL HERE TO HELP ONE ANOTHER!!

Wow John.  I cannot even begin to believe the timing of your post.  I was beginning to think I was the only one out there having similar feelings.  I had gone off my anti-depressants about 3 months ago and feeling so on top of things only to feel the need to go back on them as a matter of fact...yesterday and I have.  I felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat one minute and then the next chew someone up and spit them out so to speak.  I felt all nervous inside and like you...don't see anything in the mirror but a fat person.  You are not being whiny...just honest.  What we have is simply a new tool and it sounds like you are most certainly using it in a mighty way.  I guess we've always looked at the "beautiful skinny people" and thought they had it all and they did at least have something we wanted.  I'm like you...still all the day to day grind but I guess that's what we all call life!!!  I think that as we go on and continue with the support groups we will get though this all.  I have compared pictures of myself and still seem to see no difference.  We'll just hang in there together...all of us!  I know that there are others out there who share our feelings.  I really think if we won the Power Ball drawing we'd still have these feelings!!!  It would help grease the wheels though huh?  We can dream!!!  Hang in there buddy!  You look great!

John, I appreciate what you have said.  It seems to me this would be pretty normal and I am glad to be prepared for those feelings when they come.  I can't add much since I just started this journey but there is one thing I would throw out there.  Financial Peace Univeristy is pretty much like having WLS on your finances.  It changed our lives and gave us that pep in our step when it came to routine boring household chores such as paying bills, budgeting, cooking, etc.  It is offered at most churches.  My credit union offers it starting the first of September and it is awesome!!!  It is not just for people who are broke but for anyone that just wants to improve.  And right now with gas prices, that pretty much should be all of us.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't think you post was saying you needed any financial help! LOL!!!  I just thought I would share how FPU did for us financially what WLS is doing for my physically.  Hang in there brother!  You are lighting the way for me and bunch of others!  I for one thing you are doing great and look great.  I really don't see an overweight man when I look at you.  I see a man with a glow and a pep in his step.  You are making it and one day your brain will catch up with your body.

John - I feel honored that you are willing to share such honest and personal feelings with your OH family. 

I have an assignment for you.  Go to the closest Sam's club.  Go to the kitty litter section.  Lift 2 bags of kitty litter and realize you have lost MORE than that!  I have a hard time lifting one of those bags and it blows me away I have lost more than 1 of those.  You will realize how tired it made you to carry around those extra 102 pounds.

In some ways, I understand how you are feeling.  I sometimes feel overwhelmed by how much more I need to lose.  But I am grateful for every pound.  When I see the pictures we recently took on vacation, I still see that obese gal but I am working on retiring her.  I am still a work in progress as we all are.

I haven't seen you since the support group before your surgery so it's been awhile.  I'm sure I would see a huge difference.  Maybe you wouldn't feel sad if you had seen me recently and some of my glitter sparkled over on to you!  Ha!  LOL!

You are such an intelligent, kind and loving person.  That comes through in every post.  Turn that love on yourself and be proud of such a huge accomplishment!  It is an incredible milestone!  And please keep sharing here because you're stuck with every one of us!

((((HUGS))))  Kim

John, WOW....my feelings as well.  I have found that I am extremely depressed lately.  I don't see the "thin" me like I thought I would either.  Every time I see an overweight person I ask my husband, "do I still look like that?"  I think he's getting sick of hearing it from me, but I honestly still see myself as the "fat girl in the mirror".  I am hoping that things do brighten up in the future when my brain catches up with my body.  I think the timing of our WLS and the recent down-turn in the economy, the increased prices at the pump and the grocery store, the political BLAH, BLAH, BLAH that's going on right now, and the INTENSE HEAT...all converged on us like the "perfect storm". 

I'm going to choose to continue to believe that if I keep doing what I'm doing I will eventually see the light at the end of this tunnel.  My mantra these days is "God will not bring you to it if He does not intend to see you through it". 

Good luck & keep us in the loop.