OT: Re-post of the funniest thread EVER

OMG, I just ran across this post on another forum that I'm not to name.  This is freakin' hilarious!  Ruggie's VSG FAQ list for the sarcastic people:

ruggie Sacramento, CA Paul Cirangle (COE) VSG (07/06/11) Member Since: 06/24/11 [Latest Posts]

Post Date: 4/30/12 6:22 am Howdy fellow VSGers - It seems I can be quite polarizing, I'm told, and I figured, hey, why not give Frisco a run for his money?  So I've compiled a list of answers to Frequently Asked Questions - but for sarcastic people like me!  Regular, sweet people probably won't appreciate this, so I'm warning you now before you read it that Ye Olde Sarcasm lies ahead!  None of the following are about any specific people or posts, just things I've seen while I've been here on OH.  I'm sure you'll either be entertained or offended.  One or the other! Oh - random reminder - commiseration and support are not the same thing.  Something to think about.   Commiseration is just misery loving company.  Support is proving tools for advancement and success. Thus begins the FAQ for sarcastic people: ================================================= Yes, there is in fact something very wrong with you that you've only lost five pounds in your one week of post-op.  I think your surgeon has screwed up your surgery and removed your liver instead.  You should be losing at least twenty pounds per day.  Get a lawyer. Ok, you're less than two weeks out but your surgeon said no carbonation - oh but you found a soda that has "less" carbonation?  Sure, go ahead and drink it.  Have a few!  He's just a big meanie anyway.  Soda is great for dieting after all.  My goodance, you have generated so my pity in my heart that you cannot "tolerate" the taste of your chewable vitamins.  I certainly don't blame you for stoping eating them.  After all, we don't want to improve your health if the cost is 10 seconds of absolute taste torture - chewable vitamins are the worst tasting thing on the planet, after all.  I know I cried a million tears as a child each time I ate a Flintstone's vitamin. I know it's challenging to get down to goal, and now that it's slowed down for you, instead of exercising more or cutting calories, I definitely think you should take that drug you read about that they sell in  Mexico that makes you lose weight with only a "mild" chance of heart attack.  Double up - you'll lose faster.  (You'll also be so much more productive since you won't need sleep either.) You're two weeks after surgery and you don't know what to eat (somehow) and you ask a group of strangers what to eat, instead of asking the man you paid several thousand dollars to slice you up.  Did it occur to ask about how you might eat before the surgery?  Oh right, I was pretty busy too before my surgrey for such little details too.  I did finally finish ou****ching Lost on Netflix (boy, I want to get my time back for that...)  Well, I can tell you what you're going to have to eat now, but you might be in for a surprise..... Yes, if you can physically blend it, then it's a puree food.  Just add enough water and the cheeseburger will puree - that bun sure does soak up a lot!  Cheeseburger puree goes great with the applesauce and mashed potatoes you're already eating. So I see you've decided that if God "lets" you survive your surgery, you're just going to let him worry about getting the vitamins you need from food?  Interesting.  Does he make your life insurance policy choice as well?  Just curious how far this relationship goes.  Does he brush your teeth for you as well, or are cavities "his will" too?  Oh yes, pizza is definitely an all-around approved WLS food since you're buying the thin crust pizza.  Boy, I was ready to yell at you thinking it was "regular crust" pizza, but you have clearly found a health food here and have shamed me with your forward thinking.  (Also seen with pizza) You're right!  Pizza is an excellent source of protein during weight loss since it's made with high-fat cheese and fatty protein!  I can hear your heart squealing with the love you show it. I guess you're right... there really is no possible way to "live a little" other than to eat bad food.  Who knew?  You've convinced me that life is an empty and miserable experience without bad food. I did not, in fact, realize that one's soul could be nourished with food.  I thought food nourishes one's body, but I'm just a biochemist, what do I know?  Eat if your soul is hungry.  Eat, eat! Let's be honest, the only thing that tastes worst than chewable vitamins is protein shakes.  I've found you can make them tolerable if you make them with whole milk and add a half-cup of peanut butter.... yum!!!!  Now I just have to figure out why I'm stalled. Do I know an upstate VSG surgeon in New York that takes Podunk Insurance and doesn't require any blood work or psych consult?   In fact, I do have a list of 17 doctors here that fit that criteria.  For some reason. Oh, you would like some ideas on why you're not losing my weight, but you have neglected to tell us your starting weight, current weight, surgery type, calorie intake, protein/carb info, exercise info, fluid intake info, etc.  Yeah, fortunately the cameras I have installed in your apartment informs me it's because you're eating chips and lots of them. Yes, someone losing weight faster than you is proof that something is wrong with you.  Straight up. No no, I should completely coddle you and tell you "it's ok, you poor thing", after you have hurt yourself by eating six chocolate chips cookies in 5 minutes.  It was wrong of me to ask "what were you thinking" or "did you realize that's twice the size of your stomach"?  I will learn to express only pity for those kinds of mistakes rather than question your expectations of reality - or three-dimensional space. Oh, you're a DS patient, and you think that anyone who gets a VSG or RnY are idiots and everyone who does is eventually going to get a revision into a DS?  I better go ahead and book my revision now.  Funny though, I'm at goal and you're not, but I'll still get that revision. No, of course you have to "live a little".  That's why you can eat calorie dense food and and cake on:  major holidays, minor holidays, your birthdays, family birthdays, coworker birthdays, major milestone events, minor milestone events, good days worth celebrating, bad days worth forgetting, when you need to 'live' a little and every Tuesday and Thursday.  Also, when food is free or brought in by someone.  Also when food is one sale.  It's the law to eat it then.  I mean, are you going to let food go to "waste" or your "waist"?  Get that cupcake in your mouth stat! I'm pretty sure that if I put a scoop of unflavored protein into cookie dough mix you'd never taste it, but somehow you've turned into a bloodhound and now it's enough to make you wretch when added to your soup.  Ok.  I'm sure there's nothing mental going on here at all. I don't know why you've been unable to get to goal either after being stalled for several months, but I agree with you that it's not because you don't exercise or keep a food log.  I mean, the people that lose all their excess weight don't exercise or log their food, right?  Yes, just by reminding you that the average WLS patient only loses 70% of their excess weight in the long run, I am automatically being unsupportive and saying you will fail.  Clearly you will lose 120% excess weight.  Like the first man on the moon, you're gonna be the first WLS patient to get to goal by eating just smaller portions of fast food and junk food!  Why did I do it the hard way? Please, write a book! ========================================

That was great.

I know what the forum is, wondering why you can't name it?

You can't mention it or the post will get thrown there.

People have had threads pulled for merely mentioning it. lol

My question then is why do they even have that forum?

So members have an off-topic, trainwreck forum I suppose. lol
I'm not sure why Ruggie's post was sent there - no one was fighting or anything. Not sure how it went against the TOS. *shrug*

They have special TOS for that forum and it says in them that any thread can be thrown there by OH if deemed to one of the two names of that forum.  My guess is that the thread was viewed as the first name of that section so they moved it.

You're probably right on.

Made my day :) 

Claire

This was just great:

"Let's be honest, the only thing that tastes worst than chewable vitamins is protein shakes. I've found you can make them tolerable if you make them with whole milk and add a half-cup of peanut butter.... yum!!!! Now I just have to figure out why I'm stalled."

Explains my stalls! LOL!