Deep thoughts

Thanks Kate, that is the great thing about this board and the people here. when we say we are here for you we mean it and i know you are.

Nicole- thanks for such an honest post that we all can relate too.     It took a long time to get us to our highest weights and there is so much more reason for it then food.   You are obviously a very strong woman and you should commend yourself for taking the time to consider all of this and moving towards getting to where you want to be.   
I think most of us have the same worries.   Fat was our armor in many ways and protected us from being our true selves.     It is scary to think of how I will be when I lose weight- will I still not be happy with myself, will I still end up taking crap from people, etc.     Only we can change ourselves and it sounds to me that since PS you are allowing yourself to "fear" the new you- maybe because it is scary (??).   I know that when I have been thinner (100 lbs lighter) I definitely was very uncomfortable when I saw people checking me out.   
Best wishes to you and trust yourself that you are beautiful and worth it all.   :)

thank you. This is no easy thing to do. It is hard to be honest with yourself some times. honesty really is the best policy to weight loss. you cannot hide or ignore. Jason has helped me determine that I am falling back into old patterns with my family of letting their feelings be more important then mine, holding back and stuffing. I did not realize I was doing this but he is right. We should all have a partner in this be it friend or family who is willing to be the lighthouse for us when we are in a storm, someone willing to point out what is going on whether we like it or not

Wow.  I never looked at it as abuse, but, WOW.  So true.  Why do we feel that we aren't good enough?  These are the things we never think about before we go into surgery.  We're so cooped up pre-op on whether or not we're doing the right thing, and how we're going to look afterwards, that we never really think about the "other" stuff.  Is it because one of our biggest hurdles (the weight) is out of the way, and the focus is now on other things, like behaviors?  I am in the same boat you are in Nicole.  Although, since my appt with Dr Brader last month, I have been faithful with my vitamins, I still have yet to embark on a better eating plan.  So the question is, how do we stop abusing ourselves, and start healing?  I'm open to suggestions.....unfortunately, at this point, I have none to offer.....of course, it is 2:42am.  I might have an idea or two after some good sleep.   

Nicole,
Thanks for sharing your struggle with all of us. Jason's point about you being used to abuse,and now you are abusing yourself. deep stuff, and so true for so many of us. I find myself frequently having to reassess myself, and the the often poor food choices I make, esp. at work. Exercise has not been even close to consistant for me either. Learning to figure out who we really are, what we stand for, what do we really value, and then living our life within these goals, and not viewing our choices as nothing but restrictions, takes courage. You are always so supportive of others, with such wise advice, isn't it a shame that so many of us find it so difficult to nuture ourselves? I wish for you strength of conviction and peace within yourself, so that you can live each day with joy and much less struggle.

I embrace the struggle. it allows me to help others and it make permanent changes for myself. I do however at times forget to help myself because I am focused on the clients,. family etc. I continue to need work on being selfish LOL.  You are very right they are not restrictions they are choices. We do need to keep reassesing them., what works one month wont work another. Thanks for your support.

Ok...so now that I actually have time to type...

First off - I commend both you and Jason.  Jason for saying what he did, and you for being able to really listen to it and not just get offended by a comment and blow it off.  It also shows that you are willing and able to tackle this on, right here, right now.  I'm not saying it will be "fixed" right here and right now, but the first step has been taken.  On top of all that - you were able to throw it out there for the "world" to see.  Another big step.

I can't help but wonder...as a nurse whenever I get sick I play through my various scenarios - sometimes sub consciously - about what it could be and how it should be treated and if and when I should see a doctor and blah blah blah blah.  Mind you - I normally NEVER take the advice I give to my patients, or rather, I find it hard to do ("Rest"  Seems simple enough.  Ha!  I continue going to work, sometimes the two jobs, do laundry, cook for Brian...you name it.  I almost never get the amount of rest I need when sick)  It's the running gag that "nurses make the worst patients second only to doctors" and it's damn right.

So...what I am wondering...do therapists make the worst mental health improvement patients?  I can only imagine you are running through everything you would help your clients see, or help them to see.  Asking questions of yourself that you would ask of them.  The trick is...there's no one on the other side of the "couch" (excuse the cliche) to make you answer.  It's you...mano a mano.  However...notice I said "improvement patients" because if there's anyone who can continue to get through this - it's you.  You are way to determined not to.

So...what exactly are you afraid of and WHY are the first two most important questions.  I like (and hate...) the analogy of abuse and the definition you gave.  I'm sure you are aware of the population of "functional alcoholics".  Those people who carry on every day life activities...hold down jobs, etc but are a wreck on the inside and also at home and are "one step" away from going over the edge.  The "funny" thing about this population is that there are soooooo many who never take that last step.  They continue to be "functional"  Right now...if you're going along the vein of abusing yourself and your tool...you are a functional stress eater.  You keep it to where you are not to 300+ pounds...you keep it to where you are not so vitamin deficient or dehydrated you are passing out....you keep to where you were able to have plastics done and not ruin the results.  However...you still are not living your true life.

I know NONE of us can answer the questions you posed.  And I'm not sure if what I just blurted out was more of a help or a hinderance or pretty much neutral....but it is what it is.

And of COURSE you know that Brian and I are here any time any day...you have the numbers...give a call if you need!

Pam

Pam it is a good point. As a therapist there are times where I censor because I feel I have to have the answers and appear " together". For the most part I am, and I do know i help others. Being a therapist sometimes makes it harder for me, because I think i ask myself TOO many questions. Sometimes you just have to behave a certain way and who cares why you just have to.

This is not a bad thing these thoughts or feelings I am having I have realized they are just part of the journey. I like your thoughts about a functional alcoholic...hurting yourself but holding back just enough to not lose it all. Interesting.

Admitting the struggle really is the first step. We all have to find our own way..but i would not have it any other way.

Nicole,

I couldn't find your blog, so didn't read the original post (sorry), but would like to.  But in the thread a couple of things popped out at me...first, you're so lucky to have someone in your life who is willing and able to say the hard things.  It's so valuable and so rare... and why having a sponsor is so critical in recovery programs... there's a recognition that without that external honest broker, we WILL lie to ourselves (lies of omission as well as commission).

Second, working through the exercises in Anatomy of a Food Addiction has helped me see so clearly that my weight HAS been my shield all my life... it's shielded me from unwanted sexual attention (that i didn't know how to handle at an early age) and has been an "easy" excuse (but at what price!) for getting out of things where I might feel out of control or embarassed or insecure.  The one time in my life, in high school, where I lost a significant amount of weight and came back to school in september "hot" (i really DID look great, i can see now in pics), the attention panicked me completely and I put the weight back on (unconsciously) rather than deal with it.  Getting to that realization got me to dig a little deeper into WHY i was so scared of attracting that attention... and that's gotten me into some really uncomfortable spaces from my earlier childhood... uncomfortable and also influential spaces that have shaped my entire outlook for years without me even being aware of them.  I'm trying to work through them bit by bit as I can stand to take them out into the light and deal with them.  All of that is based in fear and the need to face it, feel it, and get past it.  Not an easy task.  But I also realize that if i DON'T do it, then no matter what, the weight that I'm working so hard on now will come back.

It sounds to me like many of us have similar paths that got us here, and similar insecurities and fears.  I'm struck by what I hear on a daily basis and how this community of strong, beautiful people continues to struggle with the damage done years ago... and how we are each winning that struggle bit by bit, day by day, by sharing, caring, and helping each other.

Karen

For what it's worth, you can take comfort in the fact that I too... just a few months after plastics had the same issues.  I felt like I had spent the prior 2 years getting to where I wanted to be and once I felt like my work was "done" I didn't know what else to do... or where to go from there.  I still didn't feel "normal"  I still felt fat and frustrated.... I felt lost.  I was SO terrified of what could happen that I wasn't able to realize what had happened. 

I spent so much of my energy and time being scared to death that I was going to gain weight that I wasn't able to be happy... when the reason I had the surgery in the first place was to finally be able to live my life and be happy with myself.  I was scared of gaining the weight back and being miserable that I in turn made myself miserable.... I slipped into what I call a "funk"  many call it depression and my worst fear came true... I did put on weight but it was only because I slipped and stopped doing what I knew I should be doing.  I was eating the wrong things... only small portions of them, but they were still wrong.  I wasn't moving... I was coming home everyday and sinking into the couch in my pj's and not leaving again til work the next day... I felt defeated and like a failure. 

I'm happy to say though, as soon as I recognized the issue I took charge.  I got myself in therapy.. I got myself a nutritionist and I got myself a personal trainer and a self made commitment to hit the gym 4 times a week.  You sound as though you've already recognized that there is a problem, now you just have to devise a plan and conquer it.  It doesn’t have to be the same plan I have…. Just a plan. I promise you, you'll never feel better then you do once you know where you’re headed!  You have to be an active participant in your plan and you have to take sole responsibility.  I have finally realized that this and this alone is my "struggle" and for the rest of my life it will be.  When I went into surgery I wanted to be free of this burden, of worrying about my weight. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it will always have to be a huge part of my daily lifestyle. More so, I feel like I fight destiny and my own brain everyday to assure a healthy future.  I look at my grandmother and the other women in my family and think... "that is what my future holds?!... I don't think so"!  It's my fight and I have to own it and fight the good fight.  

I wish you all the luck in the world in fighting your own fight and promise it'll be worth it now and always!  Harness that fear and take control.. and mostly be proud of yourself for the good things you are doing and don’t let the things that need fixing bring you down. Good luck!