Dealing with family

We will be driving out to Michigan for Christmas weekend, and I will see my mom and sister for the first time since about 3 weeks post op.

It's always stressful to make these trips because of the frantic pace and unattainable expectations of being there....seeing everyone...being everyplace....but this year may be especially nerve wracking.

The "Michigan kids" and granddaughters will be fine - that's the fun part of the trip!

And then...

My sister is very obese and always has been. She knows in her head that I have lost a significant amount of weight, knows I wear a much smaller size clothes....but I think she will react negatively to actually seeing it.  Her life spun out of control years ago, and weight is just one aspect of that.

My mom tries to control my sister's diet  and nags her constantly about it (they live together). Just for a little perspective, my mom took me to a doc for diet pills at age 8, and initiated me to WW at age 10 or so (maybe younger).  I was born weighing 10 lbs. and she joked even then about "putting me on a diet." (Not sure she was joking.) When I wore a size 20W, she would insist on going shopping with me, handing me size 28's and 30's to try on and telling me the size didn't matter.

So while my mom will be happy about my weight loss, she's already coming up with odd comments about my clothing and appearance, including:

"Be sure you don't get a lot of wrinkles as you lose weight. Your dad's side of the family always had that problem."

"Don't buy clothes that are too small for you. They won't look good." (This after asking me what size sweater I was wearing now.)

"Are you still working out with a trainer? Maybe you should tell her you have always had a big belly."  (To which I replied, "A lot of that is gone now.")

"We can look for a new winter coat while you are here." (My reply: I won't buy another new coat till next year - what I have now probably won't fit next year.") Her response: "Well you can get one that just hangs on you."

I DON"T WANT A COAT THAT HANGS ON ME!!!

This is crazy making stuff. I know that part of it is her lack of understanding about WLS. She thinks of it as a diet that I can follow or not follow, or, as she says, "stick with it."

My mom is obsessed with weight. She has been on a diet herself since 1957. No kidding. Boiled eggs and grapefruit. The strictest interpretation of WW. South Beach. She can happily live on apples and gross turkey chili for a week, because there is no fat in either.

I am taking control of meals at my mom's - making Christmas dinner, and planning for the other day we will be eating there (probably will cook that as well). I don't want to come off as negative, contradicting everything she says, or disagreeing with everything. And the reality is, we won't be there long enough to go clothes shopping, thank God!

But...The stress between now and next Thursday when we leave is pushing me into the insanity zone, just thinking about it. I fluctuate between trying to be patient and understanding, and flipping out entirely.

Family. Gotta love 'em. (or as the old saying says, "can't live with 'em and they just won't fit inthe microwave.")

I can sooo relate to family like yours. I just want you send you lots and lots of cyberhugs.  Hang in there. You can't choose your family just make the best of what you got. ((((HUGS))))

Lynn,

It's obvious that there are issues there, but what you can bring with you, is a positive attitude based on knowing what the climate will be like.  You've already prepared yourself for success by saying you are going to prepare meals.  If you are met with negativity about your "successing" thusfar, then try to turn it around to some form of positive or redirect the focus.  Don't defend your choices or explain things to them, because they won't get it.  If they ask questions, give concise answers that don't allow for a lot of having to defend your choice of this or that.  You've changed, they haven't, it's that simple, focus on what you love about being with your family and enjoy! 

Love your comment about the microwave, but really now, that would be a bitter meal. . . lol

Take care and enjoy your visit, look forward to how you faired in January!

Hugs, Laureen

P.S.     and there is the off chance that they will be amazed and very proud of what you have accomplished, but if not, you should be.

This whole topic gets at a lot of the psychological, doesn't it.

Perhaps I am facing the fact (or my perception) that nothing I have ever done was "enough" in my mom's eyes, in part because after a lfietime of educational and career accomplishments, and raising terrific kids, I was still fat.

Now I won't be as fat. Take that out of the equation and....then what?

The one area where I never found success was the one area that mattered most to her.

And now, reflecting on my anxiety over no weight loss for a couple of weeks, I realize that a bit of that anxiety is the fear that once again, I might fail at this. Yes, I have lost 70 lbs. But what if it stops working? What if I never reach the goals I have set for myself? Losing weight has never worked before....

You get the picture.

Again - the good stuff, on balance is:
The kids will be wonderful about it all, and very proud of mom.
I can take care of meals at my mom's house.
I can figure out how to work out at least a few times while we are gone.  
I am in MUCH better shape to play with my granddaughters.

This whole JOURNEY is psychological... for most of us, the issues here were never "physical" even though the tool to help us fix them is a physical tool. 

You sound like you've really gotten to the heart of the matter... how you react to that, well, that's under your control and no one else's.  

So the fear that you'll fail at this???  Yep, I think we've pretty much all had that fear.  After all, most of us have failed over and over again at "diets" for our whole lives.  The difference this time, though, is that it's not a "diet"... it's a serious change of your life and your anatomy.  Can you fail?  Yes, it's physically possible to fail by ignoring what your body is telling you and deliberately pushing the limits.  WILL you fail?  Well, it's a heck of a lot harder to fail now and you've got a great support network that's probably very different than anything you've ever had before.  You've built a foundation of exercise and nutritional change, and have put the whole package together.  So your chances of "failing" (and what does that mean, exactly???) are a lot lower.  It's easier to succeed than to fail, in other words, because in order to fail you'll have to consciously work against your body's anatomy and tendencies.  And the farther along you get, the more true that will be.  But that fear is healthy and will keep you on your toes so you don't become complacent that what you're doing will automatically "melt" the fat away, even if you don't follow the plan.

There's a lot of other good stuff on your balance:
* You KNOW in advance what you're getting into and going prepared
* You can always walk/run/stretch/jump rope or whatever wherever you are if you can't get to a gym -   keep in mind that exercise is GREAT for stress!  Plan a nice long walk every day to clear your head and deal with the negativity and emotions
* You KNOW what you need to do and have been successfully doing it for months
* YOU need to be proud of YOU and confident in what you've achieved
* You can always turn to one of us for support and comfort by email, phone, or on the boards

Karen

Lynn,

Ditto to what Laureen said.

And I would add that your mom's "diet obsession" likely played a powerful role in your (and your sister's) lifelong struggle with obesity.  Her focus today on your weight and your sister's eating habits is very loaded with history and emotional baggage.  YOU have moved past it - so don't pick up the baggage that's hers to carry.

Keep in mind that their expectations are, as you said, unattainable.  It's unrealistic to expect that you'll go there, everyone will celebrate your weight loss without any barbed or loaded comments and that everything will be puppies and roses.  There's simply too much water under the bridge for that to happen.  Know that, you are going forewarned and forearmed.  Don't let yourself be sucked back into the emotional whirlpool surrounding it, especially if that includes emotion-based eating.

Think of it as a time to model your most positive behaviors without defending or pushing them.  Exercise regularly, stick to your plan for eating (and not emotional eating), dress as you do NOW and as you want to.  Shrug off the negative comments and SET BOUNDARIES if things start getting out of hand (criticizing your clothing choices, food choices, exercise, whatever).  There's nothing wrong in saying "This is my life and I'm following my plan and working with my doctors.  You can support that if you choose and it will be welcome.  But negative comments are not acceptable, so if what you have to say is negative, don't say it."  

And if there are certain troublesome topics, say "Let's take that topic off the table, because it's just going to be hurtful to both of us to continue discussing it and I'd rather have a nice holiday with you."

HUGS and best of luck to you.  Families can be wonderful, but they can also be so toxic... just like holidays.  Put the two together and blammo.

Keep focusing on your amazing progress and how great you FEEL and LOOK.  Remind yourself frequently of why you did this in the first place and what your goals are - and how well you've done in achieving them!

Karen

Your family is toxic.  I hate to sound harsh, but it's the truth.  And what you do or say probably won't change it.  They will find something else to make comments about.

It doesn't mean you have to listen to it or be expected to pay attention to it.  Laureens advice of clear concise answers is probably the best around.  And if they continue to nag you about one thing or another, I would seriously consider saying something like "I have heard your opinions and understand what you are saying.  However, I choose not to think that way and this conversation is now ended" and walk away.  I understand this may be close to impossible to do, and why saying something like this during a holiday celebration may not be the exact "appra pro" moment to do so.

Lots of hugs and support going to you during this time.  As much as I LOOOOVE family - sometimes they just suck, LOL

Pam

Ditto to what Pam said!

Thanks to all of you for helping me process this.

I've been reading and rereading your replies and have taken a few additional steps.

I facebooked a cousin and set up time for us to get together on Christmas night. That will be far more neutral territory.

I have planned a 2nd meal that I will cook - gives me something to do, lets me control another meal, and gives my mom something a bit different than she would typically make. (also some nice leftovers).

I'm planning to take a couple of DVD's and a Bananagrams game so we have things to do aside from sitting around talking about food, diets, and clothing sizes.

I'm planning a breakfast get together with my son and his new wife (wow! still amazed he got married!) - mom and sis can join if they'd like.

I know there is toxicity in the relationships. There's far more to the story than Ii can share here, as you can imagine. Boundaries where these 2 people are concerned have always been hard for me - again, despite the fact that I can spot poor boundaries in OTHER people's lives in a heartbeat.