Comments/Compliments From Strangers and (OT) My Dad's In The Hospital
I've definitely noticed the looks and turned heads I'm generating now more than when I was heavier, which, like some of the other posters here on OH, I seem to have mixed feelings about. When I was at my heaviest I mostly felt slim and attractive, now that I'm smaller I often feel dumpy and gross. Body image issues and self-perception incongruency for sure... but that's another topic for another time.
Anyway, aside from feeling surprised when someone makes a comment/compliment about my looks now... and I'm talking a stranger here, not like my mom or somebody I know very well, I'm interested to note that I feel kinda passive aggressive about it. On the one hand I'm surprised, often blush, don't always have time to say "thank you" because I'm shocked, but on the other hand half the time I feel like "hell yes I'm lookin' fly-- I'm glad you noticed because I sure as hell did"... either that, or I feel like "hell yes I'm lookin' fly but I wish you would have told me that same thing 70lbs ago 'cause I was hot then, too!"
Weird, I know. Anyhow... last week I was at KMart trying on a cardigan thing in the aisle of the clothing department and looking in the mirror there so I wouldn't have to go to the fitting room and a man passed me and said "Looking good, mama." It was so surprising I didn't think he was talking to me, but I looked all around me and there was noone else around... haha.
Anyway, my dad had surgery yesterday... it was a big one. Like, a Frankenstein-esque surgery to repair his damaged esophagus (as a result of radiation treatments for cancer) to try to help him eat again. The surgeon had to take skin and blood vessels from his wrist and attach it to his esophagus to make a more properly functioning eating tube, then replace the wrist skin with some thigh skin that they had to cut from his left leg. So he's got an arm and a leg dressing, is cut from ear to ear on his neck, has 2 drains sticking out his neck plus a flap of skin that they have to stick with a needle every hour to make sure it's bleeding (that perfusion is adequate to the flap), not to mention that he had to be trached and has 2 chest tubes in. He had over 9 hours of anesthesia yesterday along with 3+ surgical teams working on him during the case... but last night I saw him in the ICU and he was not on the ventilator which was a pleasure and a surprise to see, and he was on a sedation IV drip but was definitely arousable enough to mouth to me that he was in pain, which was a good sign. It was such a relief to see him, and train wreck as he looked, it was much better than I was expecting.
Well, at one point yesterday while I was waiting for news of his condition before he was out of the OR, I couldn't stand being in the waiting room in the NYC hospital anymore, so I went out onto the street to get a coffee for my mom. As I was walking along a man passed me, turned his head to look at me after we walked by one another and said very loudly "Very pretty!" It was kinda weird but broke the stress for the moment and gave me a little something to smile about.
Anyhow, just thought I'd share. I'm about to leave again for the hospital to spend the day with my dad and am anticipating the stress of it (less so much from worry about his condition now that I can see for myself how he's doing, but really stress from being around my incredibly irritating and negative mother for another 10 hour day no doubt). Wish me luck.
Maybe if I go out for a walk on the street to get some more coffee I'll get another passing compliment from a stranger. LOL :)
Anyway, aside from feeling surprised when someone makes a comment/compliment about my looks now... and I'm talking a stranger here, not like my mom or somebody I know very well, I'm interested to note that I feel kinda passive aggressive about it. On the one hand I'm surprised, often blush, don't always have time to say "thank you" because I'm shocked, but on the other hand half the time I feel like "hell yes I'm lookin' fly-- I'm glad you noticed because I sure as hell did"... either that, or I feel like "hell yes I'm lookin' fly but I wish you would have told me that same thing 70lbs ago 'cause I was hot then, too!"
Weird, I know. Anyhow... last week I was at KMart trying on a cardigan thing in the aisle of the clothing department and looking in the mirror there so I wouldn't have to go to the fitting room and a man passed me and said "Looking good, mama." It was so surprising I didn't think he was talking to me, but I looked all around me and there was noone else around... haha.
Anyway, my dad had surgery yesterday... it was a big one. Like, a Frankenstein-esque surgery to repair his damaged esophagus (as a result of radiation treatments for cancer) to try to help him eat again. The surgeon had to take skin and blood vessels from his wrist and attach it to his esophagus to make a more properly functioning eating tube, then replace the wrist skin with some thigh skin that they had to cut from his left leg. So he's got an arm and a leg dressing, is cut from ear to ear on his neck, has 2 drains sticking out his neck plus a flap of skin that they have to stick with a needle every hour to make sure it's bleeding (that perfusion is adequate to the flap), not to mention that he had to be trached and has 2 chest tubes in. He had over 9 hours of anesthesia yesterday along with 3+ surgical teams working on him during the case... but last night I saw him in the ICU and he was not on the ventilator which was a pleasure and a surprise to see, and he was on a sedation IV drip but was definitely arousable enough to mouth to me that he was in pain, which was a good sign. It was such a relief to see him, and train wreck as he looked, it was much better than I was expecting.
Well, at one point yesterday while I was waiting for news of his condition before he was out of the OR, I couldn't stand being in the waiting room in the NYC hospital anymore, so I went out onto the street to get a coffee for my mom. As I was walking along a man passed me, turned his head to look at me after we walked by one another and said very loudly "Very pretty!" It was kinda weird but broke the stress for the moment and gave me a little something to smile about.
Anyhow, just thought I'd share. I'm about to leave again for the hospital to spend the day with my dad and am anticipating the stress of it (less so much from worry about his condition now that I can see for myself how he's doing, but really stress from being around my incredibly irritating and negative mother for another 10 hour day no doubt). Wish me luck.
Maybe if I go out for a walk on the street to get some more coffee I'll get another passing compliment from a stranger. LOL :)
~~Emily~~
Sorry to hear about your dad but sounds like he's on the upswing. Your parents are lucky to have you there for them. Heck yeah, enjoy the compliments. I understand the passive agressiveness but remember that they didn't know you before and are appreciating you today. I guess it would be different if you were getting those 'new' compliments from those that knew you before and never said anything then...grrrr 
I'm so glad your dad is doing better. Has to be so very hard to see him ill.
Congrats on how great you are doing, and looking! I understand the disconnect between how you THINK you look, and how others perceive you. Look, if strangers are saying how good you look, believe them!! A stranger saying "very pretty" would have made my day, too :)
Hang in there with your mom today. I definitely understand THAT particular dynamic :)
Bring a good book so you can distract yourself when you get too annoyed :)
Congrats on how great you are doing, and looking! I understand the disconnect between how you THINK you look, and how others perceive you. Look, if strangers are saying how good you look, believe them!! A stranger saying "very pretty" would have made my day, too :)
Hang in there with your mom today. I definitely understand THAT particular dynamic :)
Bring a good book so you can distract yourself when you get too annoyed :)
HW: 310 / Lost 15 on pre-op diet / SW: 295 / CW: --- / GW: 170-175
Thanks for the reply, Jaded. I'm glad he's on the mend, too. He's slowly but surely getting better. I think today he may be downgraded from the ICU to a stepdown unit. Fingers crossed.
And yes, I do believe it when strangers say it and I really think about it, just different and a tiny bit difficult for me, but something I will likely have to work on to really believe and accept straightaway.
Hopefully today with my mom will go well too... we've had fights every day so far...
And yes, I do believe it when strangers say it and I really think about it, just different and a tiny bit difficult for me, but something I will likely have to work on to really believe and accept straightaway.
Hopefully today with my mom will go well too... we've had fights every day so far...
~~Emily~~
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