I cannot punish my way into being a normal eater...

I have been reading a lot of postings about cheating and bad food choices, and I just can't resist talking about this some more.

I have weird food ideas, I know.  I don't eat recreational sugar.  Ever.  Because it opens the door to something very, very bad for me.  That is like an electric fence around my food plan, and I know this isn't true for most of you.  That's okay, I do this for my sanity. 

Anyway, inside the fence there is a whole world of food, ranging from good - better - best.  OK, may some bad choices too - there's triggery stuff inside the fence.  I might not keep that food in my house, but I am reluctant to kick anything else *outside* the fence.

Part of my disease, part of the way I use food, is to obsess over it.  Duh.  But I mean, I use food by eating it, yes.  I also use food by obsessing about it while I'm not eating.  Usually retrospectively, by worrying about or feeling guilty about food I have already eaten.  I can put a lot of energy into guilt and remorse and shame, and it's very distracting from being in the present.  Which is really where I need to be.

So this thing about "cheating" - I just don't see it that way, because I'm not on a diet.  I have a food plan.  If I'm eating inside the fence, I weigh-measure-record (my bottom line) on move on.  If it's outside the fence, something way worse than "cheating" is going on that would demand my attention or intervention immediately. 

But not punishment.  We do not need punishment over our food choices.  We need to understand why we made the choice, decide if we want to chose that way again, and make a plan for going forward.  We also need to know our limits. 

It takes a lot of willpower - mental energy - for me to sit around certain foods and not eat them.  Sugar is no problem.  Chips at a Mexican restaurant?  Very difficult.  That food is something I *could* choose, but isn't a good choice, not right now.  And I like them very much, so it takes a lot of energy to resist.  A lot.  

I have to put a lot more energy into eating in a Mexican restaurant than somewhere where they don't put a basket full of chips in front of me.  Sometimes, if I know I don't have the mental reserves, I don't go.  Sometimes, I call someone and say "I'm about to go into a Mexican restaurant with some clients and I don't want to eat any chips."  This seems to give me an willpower boost and I can do it.  Sometimes, I'm full of energy and enthusiasm and it is NO problem.  Sometimes, I have eaten the chips.  It just depends, I have to be willing to know where I am on this, and have enough humility to recognize my brokeness.  I am not the kind of person who can eat that often in a Mexican restaurant.

Here's the other really important thing for me (can you tell I'm passionate about this?).  Being able to accept imperfection in my eating has been the second most important thing after putting sugar outside the fence.  Weird, huh?  It is better to follow my food plan imperfectly for 8-1/2 months than to have done it great for 3, then stop weighing-measuring-recording because I felt so guilty that I couldn't do it "right."  It is better to eat crap for lunch and then have a normal, abstinent dinner (because I deserve to eat good, nutritional food) than to have crap for lunch followed by crap for dinner followed by crap for the next three months.  Because that's historically been my pattern.

ETA:  It is my goal to not eat crap at all - just to clarify - and I usually don't.

I have made some colossally bad food choices since surgery.  I have had to throw perfectly good food away to keep from eating more of it - after surgery.  But I have not punished myself, or wallowed in shame because I'm just struggling with food, and I will be doing that for the rest of my life.  I will continue to be a person who will make colossally bad food choices - sometimes the same ones, sometimes brand new ones.  I *have* to learn how to correct course, make different choices and move on.  I cannot punish my way into being a normal eater.

Yes you are passionate about this and that's great.  I agree that we each need to find what works for us.  And I'm a huge fan of "gentle".  I was actually just mentally berating myself for eating a bowl of grits and THEN reading the carb count.  Now I recognize that the mental beating I was giving myself was really useless at best and potentially harmful in fact.  So.....I guess I'll just go take a shower and get dressed for the day.  And plan to have a fantastic lunch (fantastic=healthy).  Thanks!

Happy,

Your post is AMAZING and so spot-on for me as well. And those damn chips, they haunt me at times! Thank you for taking so much time out of your personal time to write ths informative, sincere and heart felt post. (((HUGS)))

 Awesome Post Happy!  I couldn't agree more!

 I absolutely love your posts and I adore you to pieces :)

I totally get it and I'm right there with ya...are you Catholic with all that guilt???  I am and jeez, it gets to ya sometimes...Glad you have that fence, this is something I haven't needed yet, but if I ever do, I'm glad you thought of it.  Keep up the great work and all that lovely passion.  We love hearing your thoughts.

Deb

Thanks for your post. That was the cycle I was in for the majority of my life. It was so self-destructing. I am trying not to fall back into that mind-set.

I am inspired by your dedication to your "brokeness"! Your message clearly resounds to many of us on this board. I do my best to follow your lead, but it's often difficult. I find that I have hidden behind perfectionism to feed my food behaviors. I'm doing my best to leave that behind, but it's hard.

Good words, Happy.

I know exactly what you mean. Being a former binger/purger, if I allow myself to fall into the "Ohmygod I suck and I deserve to be punished for it" then I fall back into that old cycle. If I say "OK that was dumb. I shouldn't have eaten that but now I can start fresh" And look forward instead of ruminating and self loathing on the choice I just made, then I find myself falling off the wagon, so to speak, less frequently. If I self loathe, I want to eat more of the bad things. It's tough to explain but I relate to what you are saying.

Someone said something on here that also resonated with me. She said she can eat only some much steak and protein but can eat like a bottomless pit of bad things. I tend to be the same way. I can knock out a pack of Oreo cookies in a day. I have to really watch what I allow myself to "sample" and reward myself to success with other things such as clothes, a massage, a spa day, etc.

I feel ya on the punishment/punitive thing.