Greetings from the road!!

Long post - I am avoiding reading a report.

Right now, I am in a hotel because I am out-of-town for work.  I have had to travel about 2 hours away from home to do an audit at a manufacturing facility.  I drove, and am staying 2 nights, the first specifically to have dinner with the clients before the audit.  They had just acquired this facility and wanted to discuss their concerns before we started the audit.  So I kinda had to meet them for dinner.

WELL, I just need to tell you what a great two days I've had, food-wise and Happy-wise.  First, I had Elina's green chicken soup for lunch yesterday, which must have made a magical difference, because I was filled with the determination to not do unplanned snacking which is a major weakness of mine while driving.  Then, I had to stop at a Walmart on the way to get socks (remembered the boots, forgot the socks) and felt an *overwhelming* compulsion to get a protein bar or some equally unsuitable food to eat while driving.  I mean, *overwhelming.*  I almost cried.  Then, I had this epiphany (!).  I could just get my socks and leave the store without buying anything else.  No matter how badly I wanted to.  I know this, people, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, almost like the first time I really got it.  I could be awash in compulsive desire, and just *ignore* it. 

A big PEACE came over me, and I skipped out of the store (after paying for my more appropriate purchases) and headed back on the road.  Got to the hotel, met the guys and went to dinner... at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.  OMG these kinds of places were such binging spots for me, pre-surgery.  Except for family birthdays at PF Chang's, I have not eaten at a Chinese restaurant since surgery.  I felt too "junior" to object, and I went.  And it was FINE.  I had 3 mussels (okay, maybe not smart from a food hygiene standpoint), and peel-and-eat shrimp and a bite or two of a few other things.  Very little food.  I was just determined not to binge at the buffet, especially in front of new clients (of course, it probably wouldn't have looked like binging to them).  I came in under 800 cal for the day.

Then I got to thinking about how Frisco points out to me just when I need it that I'm overthinking things.  So I had decided a few days ago to quit worrying about how much I weighed and how I felt about it, and just, you know, follow my food plan.  This then reminded me of a favorite 12-step saying which is "MY BEST THINKING GOT ME HERE."  So I decided to stop worrying about how I felt about being 167 and just *be* 167.  Or just *be.* 

Lo and behold, today went very, very well also, I probably would be under 800 cal today if I'd remembered to order my "unwich" turkey lettuce wrap without mayo.  I appeared in several pictures taken throughout the facility and the first time I saw them on the screen, I didn't realize at first that "that woman" was me!  I feel in so many ways like *this* person I am now really might be the "real" me, not the fat woman I was for so many years.  Like this is who I was meant to be.

As far as work goes, I find auditing very stressful, I'm supposed to know too much information on the top of my head and I'm definitely more of the "look it up" school.  But being smaller has really improved my confidence in dealing with new people especially, and I feel more entitled to be a player, not a spectator.  Cheers!!

 Awwww you are doing fantastic - on top of those stressful cir****tances!!!   I have a lot to learn from you!  

Thank you!  This is usually where I do *not* do well.  I want to get better!!

 Each success - its a step in the right direct. Eventually - you'll be able to walk away more often than not.  Ive learned to strive for "better" and not perfection - seems to work out better that way. 

I'm travelling all day tomorrow - Im going to think back to this and try and resist all the temptations and stress eating. Travelling used to mean boredom binges of easily 3000 calories over 5-6 hours. NOT ANYMORE!!

We got this :)

 
Way to go Happy !!!

Great way to break it down !!!

Accomplishment feels pretty good !!!

frisco

Thank you!  I have to get out of my own way sometimes.  Accomplishment does feel great.

I used to "take my temperature" all the time in my relationship.  You know, "Am I happy?"  "Is this person the right one for me?" I finally realized - really realized - that all this navel-gazing about the *state* of my relationship was keeping me from just *being* in the relationship.  Where I was, in fact, very, very happy.  I have been with the same person for 25 years, so I really "got" that lesson.

Seems I have to "get things" about food and eating over and over again.

Happy, that was a fantastic post.  Your moment of clarity is priceless. 

Yes, Elina, it was that chicken soup!

Actual, what is frustrating is that I really *know* that lesson, I've had that moment of clarity hundreds of times over the past 26 years.  It just isn't my default setting.  And it's not for lack of practice.  I guess this is what I mean when I say I'm broken around food, it's that if I'm not very attentive to these issues - and working with like-minded people - the day has *always* come when I forget, and the whole cycle starts again. 

If I don't keep at it, the monkey will eventually get loud enough, and I will lose sight of the fact that that voice is the monkey and not me.  No matter how many moments of clarity I've had, it has not been enough to let me go on autopilot around food like so many people seem to be able to do (you know, "normal" people).

Hugs to you!

Happy, I know that what I am about to say is going to sound a great deal like the Monkey's voice to you right now.  But believe me, I am not the monkey.  I really believe that eventually, your new habits, coupled with reduced ghrelin and smaller capacity with take the monkey out.  I think you will find that this surgery and your mindfulness over time, actually cures your "brokenness".  I give you three years, maybe four at most, I would lay adds, and good money on your full recovery.  Don't get me wrong, you will always have to be mindful, the energy that this takes from you will be greatly reduced and you will feel less broken as a result.  This is coming from someone who gained, lost, and gained again for many many years.  I had 60-100 pound swings, six times in my life.  Yes, I too felt broken.

I would never mistake you for the Monkey.  I'll keep an open mind, but I'm not ready to eat the cheesecake yet.