Damn, damn and double damn....I am not ok and I need to face it....*long*

I know you guys are used to funny posts from me, and this isn't going to be one. I am struggling, and hard, don't know what has triggered it but I am a complete and total emotional mess, it seemed to hit me hard just recently and I can't shake it.

As background, I have been though therapy (and been though it, and been though it again) and I really thought I had put my past to bed, forgiven forgotten moved on, but just recently so much has come to the surface that I just feel sad so much of the time that I know I cant continue to function like this. My childhood was ugly, the kind of **** you read in books and almost can't believe ugly. My mother was a drug addict who let horrible things happen to me because it got her drug money, my dad knew what was going on and choose to ignore it while he moved on with his life and got clean (instead of taking me with him, he left me with my mother). Then once I was out of that situation and finally someplace stable, I was attacked, beaten and left for dead.

So, needless to say I struggle with my self worth, and it's hard for me even now to look at myself and say that I am worth it. BUT, the new me, the one *****ally does enjoy life and sees that I am an amazing person full of wonderful gifts and talents is having a hard time asserting herself. So these two parts of me are battling it out, and this time it has to be to the death because I can't live like this anymore, the doubt and the sadness are killing me, literally.

Add to this the mourning I am feeling over all the things I never got to do as a young person because I was fat and afraid, and I am having a hard time finding my place in life. I want to go out and do things that the young me didn't, but my current life can't support those things, and my marriage might not withstand them, this leaves me feeing confused, bitter and disappointed. I got married young, had kids young and I know now that I did it because I craved the stability of a family, something to show the world that I really did have a place in it. I wouldn't change it for the world, but it just adds to my struggle because I don't want to do anything that would hurt my family, but I want things that put me in situations that border on disaster.

Anyway, all this to drive home the message again that *happiness* does not come with a pants size, it doesn't come from getting skinny, it doesn't matter how many heads you can turn when you walk in a room, you still need to deal with your head and the emotions that will come out of nowhere and sideswipe you right off your feet when you aren't looking. Be prepared to have moments where none of it seems worth it, even though it IS! And be prepared for real life to suck just as much in your size 6's as it did in your 20's, and be willing to give yourself the opportunity to fix these things with therapy because they aren't going to magically disappear as your excess weight does.

Courtney - I'm soo sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better for you, but I know it's something you will have to work through. If you ever need a daily reminder that you are a beautiful, amazing person with a good heart, I'm here for you :)

Thank you my friend, I have a feeling I would be in a far worse place right now if it wasn't for my awesome OH friends, *****ally do "get it". Love ya! Thanks for always being there when I need hug (or a kick in the ass!).

Damn is right Courtney.  Wow, you have endured a lot.  HUGS gurl.  You are one strong & amazing woman.  I know what you mean about losing weight not fixing everything else.  This has been one of the most difficult years of my life as well.  We are strong and can get thru this.

It's crazy right, how it can be so amazing and traumatizing all at the same time to change in such a drastic way. Thank you for always being there for me Jen, it means the world to me.

My heart breaks for that little girl you were... but you are a strong, wise, beautiful woman now.  I'm glad you're here.

Sending you some virtual hugs and prayers that your current struggles will just make you even stronger in the end.

Thank you so much, just the fact that you took the time to respond means more then you will ever know.

When you have lived through such terrible abuse, every new life situation forces you to spiral right back through these feelings.  No amount of therapy can fully take those scars away.  What you are feeling and experiencing is normal for what you have gone through.  You are relearning how to do you as a skinny woman and it is normal that this brings all this right back up for you.  You don't have to kill off the "other" you, you can learn to coexist with her and even to love her.  It takes some amazing therapy and understanding of the situation.  That girl inside of you has gone through hell.  She is still that little frightened girl, but now there is a new stronger part of you that can take care of her and mother her and support her.  You don't have to kill her, you have to learn to love her.  Call me if you want to talk about this.  I have your back.  PM me if you would like my number.  I am so sorry all of this happened to you.  Your current suffering can really lead to deeper healing, I hope you find that path.  Hugs to you and I hope you can really feel my loving arms holding both your little girl and the new stronger you.

Oh Elina, thank you so much for your words and hugs, I do feel the love. I am trying hard to get these two to coexist, but I am just not doing very well with it. For a while it was working, but for some reason it has become such a struggle lately. I think  it has to do with the holidays, which is one of the few times I have to face my father and watch him interact with my kids like he is grandfather of the year, all while I resent the hell out of him (I know, I am not hurting anyone but myself with that cause he doesn't care, but its so hard to really let it go).

I am going to reach out to a local therapist who I know does wonders with bariatric patients, I have referred a million people to him, but I think it's my turn to have a go on the couch. I know I can get past this, and be better for it, just living it in the moment can be so hard, even when you know it will be behind you before you know it.

You are brave, strong and wise.  We are all better for having you in our lives.  We are all here for you if/when you need us.  You have build a community of people around that appreciate you and are pulling for you.  You can do this, holidays are harder, but you are stronger than ever.  When you feel weak, just reach out and take some of my strength.  It is here for you anytime you need it.  Hold that "little girl" of yours that you have inside and tell her that you will never let anyone else hurt her, ever again.  Ask her what she needs to feel loved and safe and give it to her.  Your father missed out.  He missed being your Dad, your protector, your safe place.  He missed a huge part of what being a loving parent is all about.  I feel sorry for him.  A good therapist is a great idea, someone who will help you figure how to manage your relationship with your Father in such a way that it does the least amount of damage to you and your "little girl".  It doesn't matter what he needs, your only job is keeping "her" safe, emotionally and in every other way.  This is all about you learning to take care of you.  I am glad you have someone who will hold the light out for you and show you the road ahead.  You can get there from here, I know from personal experience.  Much love.