Sneaky Hate Spiral

Today is a sneaky hate spiral day. I woke up and went running. And here's what I posted to FB about that. It started about halfway through my training with the realization that I'm completely delusional for thinking I can run a 5k in 20 days, or ever. What made me think I can do this? I can barely run 10 mins straight and my pace is slower than most people's walking pace. Ugh. And then the spiral continued with the knowledge that ever car that passed probably contained a person who was thinking "lolz, look at that fat girl trying to run. Who does she think she's fooling?" I hate my jerkbrain.

I got home from my run and did yoga. It helped my mood a little bit, but it was fleeting. I showered and got back in bed. Both R and P tried to talk/comfort me, but I couldn't. I ended up falling asleep and woke up around 3pm or so. Initially I thought I felt better, but then I still cried when R came back to talk to me. Of course this is a week I'm missing therapy due to a trip to PA for my dad's next oncology appointment. Since my life is awesome that way.

And then, when I came out of the bedroom, P told me that Starbuck (cat) had what he thought was a seizure! SCARY. Some brief googling suggests that it might be a result of the tramadol she started on Friday. I'll get her to the vet tomorrow. She seems to be okayish right now, but her eyes have been dilated for the last few hours which is strange. We're stopping the tramadol, just in case. My poor kitten.

This is the kind of day where past-me would have gotten pizza and ice cream. Instead, P is on a run to the grocery store for a few things for tonight's dinner and picking me up some soup. It's not the best choice, but it's better than eating a pizza and a pint of ice cream. :/  

Just remember that most "skinny *****es" can't even run for 10 minutes. For anyone who is outside doin something - you are so far ahead of the game. Maybe spend some time to write down a list of why you're ******g awesome for going out to run. There's more on that list then the self doubt list for sure. 

And then maybe also write a list about how today was different than other past stressful times. And it'll just confirm that you are still awesome. 

Battling the negative self talk is hard. I find that I have to externalize either by saying it out loud or writing the positive stuff bc it doesn't come natural. 

Youre doing great. Keep it up. 

You CAN do a 5k...even if it's slow or fast, running or walking if you look pretty doing it or come in soaked in sweat. You CAN do it and the time, pace, or gracefulness won't matter one bit. The only thing that will matter is that you tried and achieved your goal. 

Your having a rough day. That's normal and okay. Tell it to "get stuffed" and remember how fabulous you are!

Gwen sorry your having a bad day!!!! And I hope Starbuck is ok!!! 

Run it then walk then run and walk you got this you can and will do it!!!!! Remember that DAMM BEAR is right behind you!!!! :-)

♡ Kelly

Gwen, you are having a bad day. Happens to all of us. Please don't beat yourself up and doubt your own abilities. We set goals for a reason and sometimes we overreach what we think we are capable of doing. No one says you have to run the whole 5k right. Do it at your pace and be proud of accomplishing a set goal you may not have been able to do in the past.And for thinking how people view you is nonsense. You are taking charge of your health and if anyone has a problem with that then SCREW them. When I walk I punch.twirl my arms and punch the ski at times. Hell I even walk backwards on some parts of the course I walk and don't care what people think. Stay strong and best wishes that your cat is ok.

Gwen, I am sorry your having a spiraling hate day.  I totally relate to the negative thought thing.  But, the fact that your out there exercising is a big part of your success!!! Lying thoughts are.....just lying thoughts.  I see (read) you on OH helping and encouraging people almost everyday. You take time and respond to other peoples struggles and I admire that in you. You CAN do this 5k.  Even if you have to run walk and take forever doing it. The fact that you are doing it at all is amazing.  Keep using your tool.  Yes, we make choices that aren't the best at times (food-wise).  But, whats most important is that we keep working it.  You are an amazing women and I believe you are capable of anything you choose to do.  So don't let those lying thoughts rent space in that intelligent brain of yours.

 Hope your little kitty is alright.

 YOU GOT THIS GIRL!!  

Know what everyone is thinking when they see you running? Nothing! People are so wrapped up in their own drama that they don't notice half of what we think they notice. You can and WILL run a 5k!  Did you ever think you'd have lost 100 lbs? Did you ever think you'd be running at all? You're going to do it. We all believe in you and we know you believe in yourself! 

I'm so sorry about your Kitty. I'm sure she will be doing better after a quick trip to the doctor tomorrow.  I have no doubt you will succeed at your 5K. Who says you have to run the whole thing?  Nobody. Do it your way. And, you know what?  If I drove past you running I would think "wow, look at that lady taking control of her life and giving it her all!  Inspiring, wish I could run even 1 minute!" .  You got it Gwen, just keep fighting the good fight. In the meantime, sometimes you just need a break and mental rest from all the life changes. Be kind to yourself. 

One day at a time- we all have some dark days.  You already beat this day by going out for your run and eating on plan.  We are human.  Be kind to yourself like you would to someone else.  We are not always so good at that. Good luck with your cat.  I have four dogs and know how important our animals are to us.

This day will pass.  You can walk/run the 5k.  No one will say you are doing something run.  You will see others doing the same thing.  You have come a long way.  Think of where you started.  

Nancy

Girl be kind to yourself, you're having an off day, we all get them. Noone is saying anything when you go running in the street, if anything they might feel guilty that they ass aint runnin 2! Run, walk, stroll the 5k if you must, you can do it!, and if anyone has anything negative to say about it, f--k them! You got this!, hope your kitty is ok. Take care!