OT-I can't stop feeling insecure

One thing that is helping me is that he does share with me what he is doing and does not hide it from me.  I do not have his passwords to his accounts or anything but he shows me what he is doing and I have been able to view his myspace page.   He also made his page private and got rid of friends that should not be there.  He got rid of all instant messaging so I know he is trying and I have to continue to work on myself.  I just do not trust women talking to him, even if they live half way across the country and they have never met.  Why not plan on a surprise sexy evening and have the porn ready so he knows you want to share that part of his life.  I know at first my fiance thought I was not really open but just wanted to share the porn with him because I was jealous.  It took a while for him to realize that I am open but like you it doesn't bother me yet it does.   

Reading your note here that he is sharing what he does online tells me your communication with him is good. And the other steps he has taken so far show he is hearing you and working on this. That being said - I sense that you are seeng your own issues as well, so you both are working in a good relationship together, and both working on yourselves individually with the weightloss too. There is alot of good here. On his porn - many men are visual and enjoy looking at it. It gives them some fantasy image to see themself in sometimes. Many know that in reality what they see there may never come to reality for them, but the stimulations feels good in the moment. Many men don't expect their women to be like the ones they see there either (or would want them to be in reality especially in group sex) --- some do and then work that out with their woman. I like to look at porn myself now & then, so does my husband (of 20 yrs), alone or together with me - it has not been any problem for our sexlife (and him watching it alone does not bother me at all, nor if he would M...b... to it). I am in his life and he knows from years of talking to gether that I am open to annything he wants to try with me, within my own limits. We negotiate all the time as the years go by, and yes, outlooks and desires change over time/age). Talking to women online also is an attraction for some men - and for their women it can seem to be emotional "cheat" - but the attraction to chatting can be the fantasy in it, talking to a woman who they do not have to be involved with in the day-to-day things can be the draw for them (no bad days, squabbles, schedules, etc). It's a "clean" fantasy involvement in the moment. Also remember that if it came to "real" they may find "the grass not greener" there. This may not mean (for many men) the man loves the woman in his life less, is not getting what he needs from her, and all those thoughts we women have. It's a fantasy involvement, visual through maybe a picture and words (that can make head images)..and things typed can be true/false and the receiver wouldn't know, but gives a man a "perk" to his ego (she finds me attractive, interesting, wants me, likes me). Some people who meet online may meet in real time - many do not. Remember you are with him and in his life, he is with you, he is hearing you and working on ways to make you less insecure and starting to tell you how he feels.  I'd say you two are getting along well and can continue if you talk it out and are both open to what you are feeling. If you keep this from him you do run the risk of pushing him away - don't do that! Good luck!

THanks a lot.  It really helps to hear what other women feel about this, especially the porn part.

I just looked at your blog and you look amazing! In your before pictures you don't look ugly. I know that our society of beauty is a thin and a athletic body-which is fine, but I have also seen some “thick” women who make sexy look damn good!  They carry themselves with pride and I’ve seen some skinny women who look like hell run over. My point is; I know we all heard this before but Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder. It really does come from within.  I was kinda’ shocked when I learned others didn’t think I was as beautiful as I felt.  If it were not for my health issues, I would not have considered this surgery. I know that you don’t know me, but if it counts for anything, I see a beautiful woman-before and after.  I also sent you a private message.

Thanks  It is funny because people who did not know the "fat" me think that I must be so confident and feel beautiful.  I am getting there.  Some days I look in the mirror and say "Wow, what  a beautiful girl, but it is not me"   I want to feel great and not just look great as that is more important to me. 

I've heard that surgery can "fix" the weight but not the head. I still go through some times when I feel like the MO person that I was. Not a lot though! You lived with verbal abuse and accepted it for so long. Sometimes, even though we hated it, it was what we knew and felt "comfortable" with it! Sounds weird but you probably know what I'm talking about here. YOU feel insecure. You are mature enough to take ownership of that feeling and I applaude you for it! So, that means a little self talk is in order. Tell yourself out loud...that you are worthy...beautiful...kind, etc. Now your BF...what has he done to earn your trust?? If he has internet girl friends, I understand not trusting him! That is a big wow because it takes time, energy and conversation away from you!! How can you measure up to imagination?? You can't. Those women don't have "real" anything to deal with. Real feelings, real traits (good and bad). They don't have bad breath, and do anything he can imagine. (Some things are best in the imagination than trying to carry them out in real life! Now, you say it doesn't affect your love life but you feel like crap because of it. That is affecting you!! (I know this because I was married for YEARS to a porn puppie! I KNOW how you feel!) You will feel better when you stop accepting crap from people and KNOW that you DESERVE better. Heck, after all you've been through, YOU ARE A PRIZE!  Dianne from FL SW / CW / GW  5'10" 306/ 150/ 165

But that is the problem these woman are not "girlfriends" he does not engage in inappropiate conversations with them.  He does not take time away from me to talk to them.  They all know about me, most are in their own relationships, married or  otherwise, and I know about them.  I just do not feel comfortable with him having female friends As far as the porn maybe I am being stupid or just do not want to face the facts but he is not getting "happy" with the porn.  He will pay a bill and look at a youtube video, do research and view a porn pic.  To me it seems like is is a habit to pull them up and look at them, he doesn't even seem engaged when he is doing it.  Maybe I am trying to justify it, maybe not.   I feel like I feel like crap because I am comparing myself, not him doing it to me.