to tell or not to tell......

I knew from the beginning that I was going to tell just about everyone for three reasons:

1.  I wanted people to talk TO me, not about me.
2.  I felt that their support was an important part of the my journey.
3.  I didn't want people to think I was "sick" when they saw me losing weight.

I didn't have one negative reaction from people.  The only comment I got consistently was "but you're not big enough for the surgery".  I had to chuckle, because I certainly was big enough.  As a result, after the surgery, people felt free and open to pass on compliments about my weight loss; no one felt uncomfortable approaching me and the only thing they say behind my back is "hey, doesn't Sandie look wonderful!"

Remember, you can't control what people say.  Negative people will always be negative no matter what.  If it's difficult for you to keep this a "secret" - then tell people and don't let it matter what some may say.  If you decide not to tell people, be prepared for not getting the reaction after surgery that you might hope for - because people might be uncomfortable not knowing the cir****tances.  Do whatever feels right for you!  And best of luck,

Sandie

Thanks so much for your time, energy and honesty. I appreciate everyone's input. It makes me feel a lot better to have the knowledge and opinions of those who have gone before me.

I am going to do what feels natural and right for me - which will mean telling most everyone in my friends and family groups. I had never intended in lying after the fact but I can see how my words might have been unclear. I have been trying to decide what to say to them all now as I mentally and physically gear up for the countdown.

You all are wonderful and I am thankful that I have found a place with friends who know from where I speak.

Nancy

Like you I am a pretty open person in general. I also knew that I was making the right decision for me and that while others might not agree with my decision the bottom line was that I knew that I had made the right decision for me. Yes some folks did not understand, Yes some folks did not agree, Yes some folks thought I was nuts for going to MX, Yes some folks told me I was nuts for having surgery etc etc. I did not agrue with them, I did not let what they said hurt my feelings. I learned many years ago that what others thought of me really was none of my business. If what they said did not interfere with my breathing or my paycheck then it did not matter.

I'm preop and have only told enough people for a support system. I'm waiting til I'm officially having surgery...still have to submit to insurance, but I'm done with everything except my last weight management appt next week. I think part of the reason I haven't told is because I don't want to jinx it...like I don't want to tell the world I'm having WLS and then find out I'm denied or can't. I haven't really decided how to go about after surgery. People are going to notice something is going on so I'm probably just going to tell before they ask. I'm just not going to dance around the subject you know?

Hiding?  Keeping your personal business personal is hiding?  Frankly, I don't buy that. I think in the general public people are entirely too open about personal business.  Would you tell someone about your personal finances?  If not, why then your health issues and its management?  I do understand people wanting to tell about how they are escaping the bonds of obesity, and that is a choice they are free to make. However, indeed, you should be prepared for a number of things: people challenging your decision (even after surgery, they'll tell you about this phantom person they knew/heard of who had these horrendous complications or death); people asking how much you've lost (they love to calculate what you must have weighed before); people policing what and how much you eat and offering advice/challenges; people asking what you'll do about the excess skin; how much more you plan to lose; how gaunt you are looking; the fact they think you should not lose any more; some will say you're personality has changed (for better or worse). etc.  Would you really allow anyone to ask that many questions about your personal finances, or your personal relationship with your spouse?

I have been open about my surgery with my support team: my husband and kids, two friends, and my local WLS groups, and of course, here. Many people around me speculated how I was/did lose so much weight and some asked me outright, but I just turned it around or changed the subject. 

You have to do what you are comfortable with.  I don't think there's a "right" decision in this matter, just a very personal one.

Ann

I really don't want to tell anyone since I'm a very private person about EVERYTHING in my life, but I don' t think they will let me leave the hospital unless someone gives me a ride, which creates a real dilemma for me.  The couple of people I might be willing to tell do not live locally so I don' t know what I'm going to do.

I am a very open person.  So I told everyone i knew and even just some casual accuaintences about my surgery.  Most of them had no understanding about what was involved or how life would change for me.  but I used it as a teaching time.  (Must be why I am studying to be a teacher ) and now they are all so supportive.  When anyone sees me on campus they ask how it is going, or complement me on my new clothes.  I have even been  asked by the Biology department to be a special guest lecturer for one day, to explain to the nutrition class the  needs of a post-op RNY paitent for Vitamin supplementation since the Prof. doesn't know them first hand, and whats the class to see a "real World" example.  I am fine with that.  I figure the more people get exposed to the truth about WLS, the les Negative reactions there will be when people decide to have it.

However, you have to make the right decision for you.  How comfortable are you with sharing your personal information with the world?  Ultimately it is no one's business but your own.  You can always say that you are watching what you eat and exercising more if you want.  That will be TRUE, it just won't mention the other tool you are using the wls.

  The bad experiences usueally result because those who hear are either ignorant about the real facts about the surgery (you could teach them the truth), they are afraid for your safety, or they are jelous that you have the guts to do something they are to scared to do themselves.

If you feel werid not sharing this decision, pick one person you trust completely not to blab, and share with them that you have been "Thinking" about wls  and see how they react.  If they totally freek, don't tell them you have a date or anything else, but if they seem interested, then you can go into deeper details.  worth a shot anyway.  however only share as much as you feel comfortable with. 

I don't give a hoot .lol.. who knows .I live in a Sm town and know lots of people ,from my old job (cashier at a convenient store) I had to stop working ,the standing on my feet at over 400 pounds got me down .I was in bad shape for for over 2 yrs after my lap-rny .the times that I did go out and about ,people would say Brenda we are so sad to hear you have cancer ..I'm like .lol.. hell I don't have cancer that I know of .I had wls .and yes I like to died 3 times in the last 2 yrs ,but the DR said it was not because of my rny.so I told her to tell every one that asked about me that I didn't have cancer .PS.. I'm going great now .have a nice day .Brenda in TX .

I have struggled with my weight my whole life and I am 59 so I shouted it from the roof tops!  Now that I am post op and lost a lot of weight I tell everybody.  However, I think it is a very personal issue.  Especially before surgery you might encounter people who try to talk you out of it.  and that can be discouraging.  I have a friend who still tells me she thinks I could have done it on my own.  For me, after 15 years at 300 + lbs., I don't agree.  If I had had a lot of friends like that pre op I would have wished I hadn't told. 

Personally, I didn't find it necessary to keep it a secret.  It was surgery to save and prolong my life, the same as if I were to have heart surgery.  For the most part, the response has been very positive.  The negative feedback came from people who would like to have the surgery but are too scared and are now jealous of my achievement while they remain heavyweights.  My openness has even encouraged some friends to pursue surgery for themselves and consider me an inspiration.  It's strictly a personal decision whether you tell or don't tell....whatever you feel comfortable with.