"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when...

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

Last month when I was in New Orleans for an event --  I got inked.  I had no intention of doing so while I was there -- the the opportunity arose while myself and a pile of BBGC memberswalked around New Orleans.  

I had a basic idea of a design I wanted, sitting in my email -- and I showed it to the artist while we waited for the afternoon for tattoos down in NOLA.  I chose a basic Kanji design that indicated "strength."  

I was considering the state of my marriage and life as I chose it -- as I had separated from my husband, moved out, and have been dealing with all that comes with that, plus my broken body.  At that moment -- it was a perfect choice.

Although it's funny now, when someone asks me about my tattoo and what it means, I do have to wonder a moment, "Does it really mean strength or ... raw fish for dinner?"  

Anyway the tattoo took all of 9 minutes, and was hardly painful, which means I know I will do another tattoo sooner than later.  

When I got home I realized that exMr/Mr. really wanted to have a tatttoo as well, and had expected to go with me -- I suppose he and I will go together to get inked next time.  It will be a rite of passage for the two of u s -- perhaps commerorating this moment in time -- our family -- this struggle.  

I know I haven't updated much about the situation between he and I and beyond -- but that's because it's not simple. 

I'm still on my own in the apartment (with lots of help from Mr.) but he is going to double therapy sessions and things are not as clear as they seemed a few months ago.  What we thought was a simple answer to a problem (or a series of issues) might not be the problem we thought we had.  

I know that is as clear as mud, but you have to feel it -- to get it.  

I am also hyper-aware of the hater opportunities I invite by sharing truth or even just a little too much information.  I am being extra vigilant because of this -- I am sick of getting the hater stick.

There are a laundry list of issues Mr. has been dealing with, some for years and years-- 

• Anger
• Fear
• Homosexuality Issues
• Helplessness
• Isolation and Alienation
• Legitimacy
• Loss
• Masculinity Issues
• Negative Childhood Peer Relations
• Negative Schemas about People
• Negative Schemas about the Self
• Problems with Sexuality
• Self Blame/Guilt
• Shame/Humiliation

And it's been realized that there could be a cause/causes or connections somewhere, that it's not a simple black/white thing.  The connections he is making are making SENSE right now, and the process seems to be working. I am seeing progress.  

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.  And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.  Right now.  ~Author Unknown

 Progress is wonderful and scary-- and things are not simple.  I cannot just pick up and go back to the "way things were," but I can take this day by day -- and give it time -- it's the only answer right now.  Time and understanding.  Progress is scary -- because you don't know what it may mean in the end.

It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis.  ~Margaret Bonnano

I know the response to posts like this is, "You have to do what is best for YOUR family, eff the haters," which is exactly what I am NOT fishing for, I don't need people backing me up for "making good choices."  

I just want you to know that this is why I am distant -- this is our current truth -- and it's not simple.  If it were -- we'd have fixed it by now.