I had an epiphany today

I have a new therapist, only seen her twice. So far, it's been the usual getting-to-know-you stuff. We were exploring ways that i might be compliant with this new way of eating and I casually mentioned that I "have a lot of rules." I laughed it off and moved on, but since then i have continued to ponder what it means to have a lot of rules.

The truth hit me between the eyes today:  I have a lot of rules because they make me feel safe. These are not big rules, like looking both ways before you cross the street or paying your taxes on time. They're sneaky little rules that keep my anxiety from getting out of hand. I have rules for everything--rules for how to put my laptop away, how to pack my CPAP up, how to fold my underwear, where to put the measuring spoons. When any of these rules are broken, bad things might result. I mean, how awful would it be if I couldn't find the measuring spoons, right?  And God help if my underwear isn't folded right!

Today I realized that all these rules come from a sense of pervading fear.  I don't spend much time thinking about this stuff, but today I realized that everything I do comes from this desire to prevent something bad happening.  For instance, I thought I hate to exercise. But truthfully, i do like to walk. I like to work out in the gym and do yardwork. I used to love doing active things, but I find excuses--what if I get cold? I hate being cold. What if it's hot? What if I get too breathless? What if some strange man follows me or tries to grab me? What if a bad dog chases me?

The same line of thinking follows me in other areas--I don't like to be alone at home, although I am somewhat of a loner. What if my husband dies(he's disabled)? What if I have to manage all the finances and sell the house and motorcycle and trucks? What if someone breaks into the house while I'm here alone?  What if I get sick and die and i'm all alone?   

Even seemingly innocuous things like finishing some sewing project are governed by fear. I've been working on a lovely quilt for my queen-size bed in my camper. It has bears and moose and fish and stuff--I call it my Yellowstone quilt.  i have completed about 90% of it, including hand-quilting the entire thing. All that's left is the binding, the easiest part. But I am frozen with fear--what if I do it wrong? What if I waste the material? What if I'm not up to the task? What if it doesn't look as good as i think it does?

Good lord. I need a whole life-style change! Obviously, I have a lot more work to do in therapy than I thought. I have to find the place where I don't care if someone doesn't like my quilting or my cooking or my decorating (Oh, yeah, that's a whole other set of fears.)  I need to trust my own judgment. These are deep-seated fears and a lot of them have been with me for a very long time. So long that I didn't even recognize them as fears anymore.

 As Martalinda says, I've got to OWN IT.

Until today I was still going back and forth about the WLS. I'm almost finished with my clearances(one left) and it's looking like this might happen in December.  One day I'm gung-ho for the DS. the next day I'm all "EEP! Messing with my intestines! What if I get cancer? What if I get Alzheimers?"  The next day I'm thinking I'll just try to diet again (like THAT ever worked). I promise you, i'm not a kook. I am well-respected in my work and in my community. Most people would probably describe me as someone who has her life together.

Tonight I have decided I just need to own it, all of it. I've done my research. I think I know what I'm getting into. This is my once in a life-time chance to change the direction of my life, to become the strong, confident woman that I appear to be on the outside. 

I'm going forward with the DS.
 

OMG, you sound JUST like ME! I have the hardest time making decisions! I am also a seamstress and stress about which pattern I should use, which fabric combo, etc.

I to was afraid of everything and lived safe.

One day my world went dark and the worst of fears happened.

It was in those darkest hours that I learned to live.......unafraid.

I survived. grew stronger and realized that life will always have ups and downs and I can learn from all of it.

When something hard happens now, my motto is, Ya well what else ta got cuz this is nothing.

Live, grow and learn how strong you really are in the times of your life. But more importantly......LIVE !!!

Blessings on your journey, you can do this

What a great post!  I think a lot of us can relate to what you go through.  I know I can.  Thanks so much for sharing and keep us updated on your surgery etc! 

Would love to see a pic of that fab sounding quilt.  :)

thanks for posting this. i relate to how you came to make a decision - I vacillated as well - full of doubts until I accepted that nothing else worked. Even now (almost 2 months out) because I don't have a set of scales, I think maybe it's not working either. Yet my clothes tell the story!! Learning to trust the process, it will work, I will learn to live different. I can do this. I got this. And it's o.k.