New here, need prayer

I am new to this board and I'm glad you're here. I have lost 100 pounds since May 2005. My marriage is in serious trouble. My husband suffers from clinical depression, anger problems and diabetes. He quit therapy (again) but for now is still taking his medication. He is unwilling to do the hard work to heal and forgive. He works FT at a job that he has hated intensely for over 10 years and takes out his frustration and disgust on me and the kids (not physical abuse, but detachment, irritability, refuses to help out around the house, etc...) He took on a part-time job opening a business with a friend from church. We see him after 9pm M-Th, Friday night, Saturday night and Sundays. When he's home, he's asleep on the couch or doesn't want to be bothered. Folks at church know about his anger and abuse but do not confront him, hold him accountable or come along my family...they just smile politely and tell us "We're praying for you." I foolishly and naively believed that if I lost weight, he'd become interested in being a husband to me and a father to the kids, but it has not happened...if anything, he is more detached than before. I have pleaded with God to help me, but I'm not hearing or feeling His movement in this situation. Please, someone help me...give me hope or something to hold onto. I do not want divorce, both of our kids are adopted special needs and would be destroyed if our home were broken up, yet I am so unhappy and I know this is not God's will for my life or my marriage...please...

Denise, You are not wrong for thinking that your weight was a factor in your marriage. We all have or had blamed it on one thing or another. For me, I blamed it on not getting a good job or having financial freedom. Either way, don't blame yourself. The good thing here is that your husband is aware that there is a problem. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be taking his meds. You are doing the right thing by lifting the situation up to God. First and foremost you need to remember to pray for a change in you before you pray for a change in him. Ask the Lord to soften your heart and to see him as someone who is sick rather than angry. Ask Him to open your eyes to the fact that it is NOT you he is angry with, but it is his mental state. When I was reading your post I was brought to 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 "10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. 12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" God hates divorce. Look at Matthew 19:6 "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." This thing is not about us. It is about God. He placed you in that marriage for a reason and a purpose. Right now that might not make much sense, but it is the truth. For one, it is strengthening your relationship with Him. You have to be a living example of Christ's love. Just like we hung Him on a cross 2000 years ago when He did nothing but love us, your husband is crucifing you when you did nothing but love Him. Yet in still, when the centurion pierced His side, he said "Truly, this was the Son of God." (Matt 27:54) Remember that as he pierces you with words and actions. Be careful not to bite back, and one day he will stop and take a step back and say, "Woah, this is a remarkable woman. Everything I have done and said to her she has paid back with love and respect." Your probably saying, "Yeah Dawn, easier said than done." Not really, look at Psalms 27:11 "Teach me Your way, O Lord, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies"; Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Just continue to pray and meditate on God's word. He will give you direction and strength. Love, Dawn

Denise, I can see that satan is using this as a wedge in your marriage. Don't you give in, and you are just going to have to intercede and repent on your husband's behalf. The more he sees you "changing" (I hate using that word) but sacrificing and giving him what he needs, and submitting to him when he is not being angry, the love will break him. He needs to see God's love in you, and this will be hard to do, but I can tell you that from counselling with others, I have seen marriages restored, and healed because of one spouses willingness to submit to a person who does not deserve it. Sounds Christ-like to me. What about him having the surgery? Would he even entertain that idea? First he does not love himself, so he is angry and bitter because he sees you becoming happier and happier so he is insecure, thinking you will leave him. Just keep on keepin on. You don't want to get divorced, so put that thought out of your head, as satan planted it there. There is an excellent book, the Love Languages God uses, its at Walmart, and its an awesome book. You can serve your hubby by your time, just having his laundry done and folded, and a little note stuck on his shirt or something. Men like to know they can provide, and they are needed, he probably is thinking you don't need him anymore. Just love on him and let him see Christ in you, but don't preach it to him, that won't work. Example is always the best way. Hope this helps you hon, will be in prayer for you!! God Bless Deborah

I also concur with Dawn's post, and the scripture she used. My first thought was lead by example, and that alone will bring him to repentence, BUT make sure you have repented first. Evil thoughts, deeds, or things you and God only know about. Give your husband to God first. PLEASE go buy the book, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge sp? It is excellent, and very healing for you. I highly recommend you buy it and read it slowly!! It really ministered to me and we were forced to read it in discipleship when I did not really want to. God used it to break me, and then heal me. He is good at that. Please read it!! Love ya

Denise, Hebrews 11:1(LB) asks: ""What is faith? It is confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead." Patience is hard and we don't know the mind (or timeframe) of God. I can only say remain faithful in your prayers and your comitment. Explore avenues of counseling (does your church have a men's group?), keep praying and keep believing that God will perform miracles in the lives of your family. Praying for you.... luvitsunnyV

Good morning, Denise! Oh, the wisdom that God has given through these responses! I, too have been where you are, and every part of my being reponds to your cry. It is a long hard battle, and one which I might never choose to go through again(being a cowardly and sinful human), even knowing where it has brought me. I simply don't do pain well. I am encouraged that your husband is on meds., and that he still is in church. I will pray that he will find a man friend and mentor that has been in his situation. Sometimes our dear family in Christ, even pastors don't know the devastation of depression or mental illness. How can they unless they have been there? It is also difficult for anyone without the nessesary med., or psych. skills to help, and they do the very best thing than and pray. The holy spirit will intercede for them in their prayers, as they won't even know how to pray for you. But always be thankful for their prayers, and trust that God knows everything that is needed. The hardest thing for me to get through was hearing someone say, Get yourself right with God, and let God take care of your husband. OHHH how I hated that!! All I could see and feel was the misery I was feeling, and the pain of my childrenl. It took more than20 years, as a matter of fact, and I am not proud of it. But finally God used my own sin and rebellion (I can be quite passive-aggressive) to back me in a corner, and I needed not only God's forgiveness, but my husband's, and it was a sit thet had us in serious $$ straights. I had asked God's forgiveness after I finally saw my rebellious spirit, and asked him to prepare my husb's heart, and WOW, did I ever see the grace of God applied!! My DH was as Christ himself in his total forgiveness and support, and I could go on and on, but I am in tears already just thinking of it again. I have never seen my DH, or God's love and presence in my life the same again. God gave me a new respect for my DH, and new love, and a new forgiveness that came from seeing myself as I really am; a SINNER saved by grace and nothing else. Oh, God loves us so! And he sees your pain, and the pain of your husband and children. Please don't give up! The best is yet to come, for God has plans for you. Love that suffering husband, teach your children forgiveness and understanding too, by your example and thru the Word of God. It made a HUGE difference in our lives when I committed to praying speciffically for my DH's needs from day to day. (read Stormy O"martian's "The power of a praying wife") I prayed for his integrity, his honesty, for his skill at work to be top notch, for him to recieve respect deserved for his work, for a confidant, for his patients to love and appreciate him, etc. It was amazing to see some of the answers to those prayers. My DH has expressed his sorrow over the years wasted in his abuse(emotional).He realized when I was right, but couldn't help working on me until I was broken. Only than was he satisfied. So, he was really in a broken sinful state than, and I thank God for his repentance and insight, and intent to never let it happen again. It brings me to this thought too. Is there any history of Alcohol abuse in your's or your husband's family? It was years before either myself or my husband realized that our family history in that area had a HUGE responsibility in our problems and learned behaviors. HUGE!! If that is an area that needs looking into, and you don't know where to begin, e-mail me, and I can tell you where the resources are. I have gone on long enough, but I will keep you in my prayers, and hope to hear that you have been encouraged here, and God bless you sister! With all my heart, I will hold you in my prayers. Kathy B ( Another GREAT resource is "Boundaries in Marriage")

Dear Denise, I love all of the encouraging words that everyone has sent to you so far. I have not had my surgery yet. I am scheduled for March 15. I am very excited about the surgery and how great I will feel about myself afterwards. I wonder how my husband will feel about me. Will he think I am beautiful, will he SAY I am beautiful. All of those questions. Will my life really be so much better? Well, one thing that I have learned, after going through 12 years of clinical depression and being healed by God of that depression, is that I can not depend on my dh or anyone else to make me truly happy. I must find my joy, happiness and purpose in Christ alone! That is not easy. I am ready the book Captivating (mentioned earlier in another post). So far I am frustrated because I see how lacking my life is in several areas. However, I am asking God to help me use the knowledge I am gaining thru the book to above all else, make my relationship with God more intimate, deeper and more beautiful. While I feel that I am not "captivating" to my husband or "beautiful" in his eyes, I know that God sees me that way and I must see Him that way. I must seek Him with my whole heart and let God know that He is captivating, needed, WANTed and desired by me. I know that my dh loves me. He is very caring, kind, helpful, a man of God. I just don't feel that he desires me and I hope that losing the weight will help. Still, I pray now that God will help me to be content in Him and that I can accept myself and love myself the way I need. I think that way I can be free to love my dh the way he needs me to love him. I know that God will bless that and help make our marriage even better than ever. I encourage you to seek God, our wonderful Lord and Savior, our Loving Father and ask him to love you like you have never felt before. You are in my prayers Denise. Please email me if you need more prayer or encouragement. We will walk this together. Love in Christ, Robin S.