Will DS help me?
You allude to a point that requires further thought, IMNSHO. Your DH wants you to stay fat. He makes the money. Relationships often don't survive WLS (not any more than ANY relationship, but WLS can be a trigger to end a poor one faster). If he makes the money, and you divorce post-WLS, are you STILL going to have the money to maintain a DS life?
I am the primary wage-earner in my marriage, so it wasn't an issue for me, but we see this all the time on this site. It is a common situation where the wage-earner, usually the man, has facilitiated and encouraged the submissiveness and dependency of the woman, including her obesity (for many reasons, including that it makes her less available to other men). When she gets WLS and becomes more healthy and assertive and independent, as well as more attractive to other men, the trouble starts. And then the woman ends up divorced, unemployed, a single parent and often impoverished - and we all know that moms will chose to give to their kids before they take care of themselves.
Not prognosticating, but advising you to think of all possibilities, to take proactive steps to insure your future, and to do so NOW.
I am the primary wage-earner in my marriage, so it wasn't an issue for me, but we see this all the time on this site. It is a common situation where the wage-earner, usually the man, has facilitiated and encouraged the submissiveness and dependency of the woman, including her obesity (for many reasons, including that it makes her less available to other men). When she gets WLS and becomes more healthy and assertive and independent, as well as more attractive to other men, the trouble starts. And then the woman ends up divorced, unemployed, a single parent and often impoverished - and we all know that moms will chose to give to their kids before they take care of themselves.
Not prognosticating, but advising you to think of all possibilities, to take proactive steps to insure your future, and to do so NOW.
He is afraid that I will leave him..and to be honest there is a 99% chance that I will, surgery or not. I am stubbornly(stupidly?) trying to find a job first...but I am getting to the point where I will have to ask for help to get on my feet. Since I will have to go through the state..I am hesitant. My mother has offered us a place to live with conditions(i.e. she would expect me to stay and split bills until she passes away...those are her terms, she's only 58 so she basically wants a 20-40 year contract) ...but I'd be no better off in her house than I am in his since I would get an extra thick layer of verbal abuse with her.
I know that I need counseling for a multitude of issues, I know WLS surgery is a long way off(if ever) at this point but this is the first time in a long time where I feel like fighting for myself and not just rolling over. I will continue to read and research, thank you.
I know that I need counseling for a multitude of issues, I know WLS surgery is a long way off(if ever) at this point but this is the first time in a long time where I feel like fighting for myself and not just rolling over. I will continue to read and research, thank you.
Hmmm. You're in a very tough place :-/. There are a bunch of people here who have ended relationships and marriages, both before and after WLS, so I'm sure they'll be able to give you some input or at least share from their experiences.
I'm glad you're feeling like fighting for yourself. This is EXCELLENT. Could you perhaps get into therapy and get some help in sorting through this stuff? IMO therapy is an absolute necessity when facing so many possible changes, plus I think I hear echoing through these posts that you have other, deeper issues as well. It would be effort and money well invested, once you connect with the right professional and establish a bond.
I'm glad you're feeling like fighting for yourself. This is EXCELLENT. Could you perhaps get into therapy and get some help in sorting through this stuff? IMO therapy is an absolute necessity when facing so many possible changes, plus I think I hear echoing through these posts that you have other, deeper issues as well. It would be effort and money well invested, once you connect with the right professional and establish a bond.
Amy Farrah Fowler
on 5/22/11 7:35 am
on 5/22/11 7:35 am
It sounds like you have thought about this, and going from his house to your mothers may going from the frying pan into the fire. You may need to look at a third alternative like a room mate, or subsidized housing. Apply now if that's the case, it can take years to get into it.
The other posters made good points, that really need consideration. I would start with the counseling asap. If you don't have it covered by medical insurance, there are some places that have great coverage while only requiring part time hours ( Starbucks and REI come to mind). Know that if you have any WLS you need to make your health and supplements a priority, so start implementing whatever you need to now. Don't wait.
You definitely have some decisions and planning ahead of you, and I wish you luck. There is always lots of free advice here so I hope it's actually worth more than it's costing you (lol, actually, there are many very sharp, very knowledgeable folks on this site, who have steered myself and others to the truth countless times) and hope you find some peace with whatever you decide, and get some helpful info here.
The other posters made good points, that really need consideration. I would start with the counseling asap. If you don't have it covered by medical insurance, there are some places that have great coverage while only requiring part time hours ( Starbucks and REI come to mind). Know that if you have any WLS you need to make your health and supplements a priority, so start implementing whatever you need to now. Don't wait.
You definitely have some decisions and planning ahead of you, and I wish you luck. There is always lots of free advice here so I hope it's actually worth more than it's costing you (lol, actually, there are many very sharp, very knowledgeable folks on this site, who have steered myself and others to the truth countless times) and hope you find some peace with whatever you decide, and get some helpful info here.
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