Hello everyone!  This is my very first post on this website.  I live in So Cal and I'm currently attending an Options program through Kaiser.  This is a mandatory requirement for my Kaiser insurance. This is a 20 week class once a week for 1 1/2 hrs.  We go over things to expect post surgery, go over nutrition and excercise, lose 10% of our weight prior to surgery etc.  

I've been SO excited and very eager to get this over and done with so I can finally have my surgery!  Yesterday was the first class that actually scared me!!  We watched a brief special of a lady that was on the Dr. Phil talk show and she was post surgery out 4 months.  She was saying that she was expecting a miracle and she's depressed and she wigs out on her husband all the time etc.  We also talked about the mental part of this process yesterday and that terrified me. 
It terrified me because everything our instructor talked about was totally ME! 

I've had HORRIBLE self esteem issues since before I can remember.  I do NOT like myself on the outside, never have.  I hate to look in a mirror because I get disgusted.  In class we talked about WHY you put on weight.  One of the answers was to push people away and keep them at a distance.  That's ME!!  I've never been able to let myself get close to someone intimately because if I can't stand my ugly self, then why and how could anyone else.  I do not take compliments well at all!!  I think people just say things to be nice or try to uplift me.  I never believe what they say.  I very rarely ever go out.  I've become a total homebody and it's just been getting worse.  I always think people are looking at me and talking behind my back or thinking in their heads "this chick needs to be locked up in a fat farm".  (You might be laughing or thinking I'm ridiculous, but this is how I am and exactly how I feel). 

I just turned 31 and I feel and act like I'm 60+.  I've lost friends due to my lack of wanting a social life.  I refuse everyone's offers to go out or I just plain out flake on them.  Trust me, I WANT to go, but I'm just not "good enough" to go out and have fun.  I'm TOO embarrassed! 

Anyway, with my numerous years of depression and anxiety I'm a bit scared of what I will feel mentally, post surgery.  I will not know how I will react when I get compliments.  I don't know if I will ever feel that "I" look good.  I'm scared of saggy, hanging skin - especially more LOOSE back fat!  I lost 50 lbs once on Weigh****chers and I couldn't handle the compliments and I had loose back fat and it really got to me!   I looked 'ok' but as soon as I turned around all my gross back fat was seen through my shirts!!!!  I KNOW there will be saggy skin, but I'm still scared.

As you can tell from reading this, I've struggled with liking myself for most of life.  I want to know if anyone has had these problems BEFORE surgery and how you're dealing with them now, after surgery.  Were you as bad as me in the self esteem department????  I feel so alone with my feelings and not sure anyone can relate.  

Thanks so much for reading and any advice and input will be greatly appreciated!

MQ

 

   

The main problem is that Medicare only pays 50% of what Medicare considers a proper amount when it comes to psychotherapy (as opposed to 80% for most medical things), and most people on disability can't afford enough appointments when having to pay so much.  It is a huge blessing that I have a Medigap supplemental insurance plan that pays for the 50% Medicare doesn't.  Medicare's discriminatory policy (50% vs 80%) is set to change, I think around 2014(?), the last I heard of this legislation.  It stinks for so many people that there's a long wait for this.

In the meantime, if money to afford therapy is an issue, check out your county's designated Community Mental Health Center.  (If I understand correctly, every county in the US has one.)  It gets tax money that makes it possible for them to offer therapy at a way reduced rate based on the client's income.

Trish,
I have watched/read and chatted with you for almost 2 years now.  I am so proud of your accomplishments - even when you are in a downturn.  You amaze me.  Me - I made it through the holidays barely.  I was just diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer (on Dec. 23rd - Merry Christmas) and now I will be having a biopsy on my neck as my lymph nodes are swollen and painful and nothing is helping.  Doc is concerned that I may also have lymphoma as well.  I will keep you updated.
Thinking of you.  Congrats on the 11 days.  19 months here.
Kathy

You described me throughout most of my adult life, prior to my surgery.  I threw things, cut, raged, flipped out, ate, drank, cut some more, hit, threw temper tantrums galore.  Only with the help of a therapist and psychiatric meds did I get some stability, which I can throw away in a new York minute by drinking again.

Trust is a huge issue for me.  I have seen the same therapist for almost 20 years.  Took me 14 years to trust him enough that I would cry in front of him.  I still believe he will abandon me, and drop me as his patient if I don't get better, or start drinking.  I have even lashed out at him, in a drunken rage, on his voicemail.

My diagnoses include binge eating disorder, alcoholism, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder.  What has helped me, medication, intensive psychotherapy, active participation in outpatient treatment for both the eating disorder, (pre-op) and alcoholsim (for the past year), as well as regular attendance at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

If you truly want to get better, you will have to do things differently than you do them now.  It will mean not always getting things you want when you want them.  I might mean giving up addictions, like alcohol and nicotine.  It will also mean taking the risk of participating in psychotherapy again.  I speak from personal experience.  

Because of my outrageous behavior, I lost my marriage, and hurt my children terribly.  Thank God they have forgiven me, and care about me now.  But, in my outrageous acting out, I got myself into over $60,000 of credit card debt, which I am now in bankruptcy for.  I also participated in sexual acting out for several years after my divorce.  

I am not proud of any of that.  It has brought me deep shame, especially because I am now a psychotherapist myself at a psychiatric hospital.  I was able to go to graduate school and earn a Masters in Social Work.  I hear my therapist constantly saying, "Physician, Heal Thyself."  I can lose my social work license if I keep drinking, not to mention the risks I take of possibly driving under the influence.

I am concerned for you, because I vaguely remember you posting on the PA Forum, and not being happy with some of the responses you received.  I hope you are able to take honest feedback, as that is what I am about.  I speak from my own pain, and experience.  I learned some tough lessons, and after my husband walked out, I had to take an honest look at my behavior and realize that I was nothing more than a spoiled child, and at the age of 44, that is humiliating.  When my own children behaved more maturely, and more rationally than me, I knew I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself.

Good luck,
Trish
 

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I had some anger issues after surgery.  Like you, I was in a horribly abusive marriage for 12 years.  Just about every bone in my body was broken at some point.  Marriage ended when I got the courage to say I was leaving, hubby took aim and fired at me, missed, shot his dog then himself.  I got angrier and angrier after finding out how much debt we were in and that he was running around on me.  Went to many counseling sessions.  Still have nightmares and sometimes something will trigger a memory.  I have remarried, hubby is a saint.  I have my anger under control.  I take depression meds and bipolar meds - it really helps me.  You really need to talk to someone.  Put down the drink.  I will not scold you on smoking as I was quit for many years and picked up over the summer.  Looking forward to putting it down soon.
You will be in my thoughts.
Kathy