Trying to figure out where I am- and waving hello

Hi there- so nice to see lot so of familiar names and lots of new ones too. 

I am one year 9 months out now.  Wow, where does the time go?
At the one year mark I had lost 100lbs and was ok with that.  I knew a lot of people had lost more and more quickly but I really was content where I was.  At that point I still had at least another 50lbs to go.  Well, that was nine months ago.  I haven't budged.  I have been playing with the same five pounds for the last 9 months. 

I am not going to make excuses.  I am just going to give the facts. 
I had struggled with exercise but finally just around the year mark it clicked and I was doing very well and loving it.

Then, life got in the way.
I have two special/high needs kids.  It has been an extremely stressful year in our home.  I have fallen back into some bad habits.  I am not thinking as a  person who went through a life saving surgery and was given a second chance.  I don't believe in myself anymore.
I think about food way too much.  I crave salt.  I crave sugar.  I pick all time.  I am not very concious of what I am eating (although still much more so than pre-op).  At first, I thought I could slide for a bit and get back on board.  I haven't been able to.  I have just kept on sliding.  I realize I crave the need to be full.  It doesn't even necessarily matter what I am eating.  I just want that feeling.  I want the instant gratification of good food.  I want quick and easy.  I want all the wrong things.  I have lost my way.

I am presently sitting at 193.  It is just recently that i have become afraid as it has gone on too long now.  I don't trust myself. 

I don't have time or energy to go to meetings.  I put my all into the kids, dh and work.  I don't feel I can take away from that for myself.

Emotionally, I am ok.  I am coping with the immense stress we have been enduring.  I have very low days but I bounce back.  I am on top of everything else- but ME-

Our present situation is not going to clear up any time soon so I need to be able to find a way to cope, function, divide my time and energy and somehow still have something left for myself.  I have that old guilty and selfish feeling when I even think of it.  I think in some ways it shows my weakness and right now I need to stay srong.  I am afraid to become vulnerable.

I am afraid to even post this because then someone may ask how I am doing and I will have to admit failure again-damn- old patterns go deep don't they.

I am so proud of all of you that have continued to believe in and look after yourself and in those who are struggling but have not given up.

Jen

Waving back. Hey, Jen.

You are not a failure. You're so brave to admit that you need help.
There are a couple of concerning statements that you've made.
 - I don't believe in myself anymore
    if you don't, who will?

 - I am afraid to become vulnerable.
      admitting that you are vulnerable allows yourself to accept the help that you need.

I've been using the Beck Diet Solutions Workbook, its a cognitive behavioural program, which works on the head part of losing weight.

You need to be selfish, because in doing so, you'll have more to give to your kids, your husband, the rest of the world. Taking time out to take care of yourself is something you NEED to do, its not an option.

I know your life is busy and difficult, but you're going to end up unhealthy and resentful of the people who are taking all of your energy. Please try to care for yourself.

You say you don't have time or energy to attend a group, but I would suggest that it is something you NEED right now, its not a luxury or an option.

 

Please take care of yourself.
 

Thank-you Monica- you are right about being selfish- I was able to make myself a priority in the past, I need to change my mindset again.  Time to retrain my brain.. again- lol

Jen, I'm so happy to see you posting here.  Honestly, it took a lot of courage on your part to share all of this.  You've taken a wonderful first step in getting back on track - admitted that there is a problem and that you need some help.  We all do from time to time.  I think Monica has offered you some excellent advice and I echo her in saying that you are NOT a failure.  That would mean you've given up - and you haven't.  We're all here for you for support.

It's good to see you back here - you were missed.

K. xo

Thank-you Karen.  I have missed you guys too.  I need to get rid of my stinkin thinkin!
Feel free to give me a gentle nudge here and there.

Hi Jen,

I know that we don't actually know each other, but I just want to say that the posts I have seen from you on Facebook show what a strong woman you are and it is obvious that you are the backbone of your family and that people lean on you.  I've seen you motivate people time and again to fight carbs and get active and get enough water in...  You just have to try to take time for yourself and I think Monica's suggestions are wonderful.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to say that I admire you and that I do not believe that you are a failure in any way.  Struggling does not make you a failure.. giving up does.  You obviously have not given up or you wouldn't be posting and trying to get help.  You can do this.. you know you can!

All the best on your journey,

*hugs*

Laura

Thank-you Laura- I really enjoy motivating people and helping them to believe in themselves.  I feel badly that I don't have a lot of energy left over right now to do that and that is one of the reasons I haven't been posting.  I like to give more than receive and I couldn't come and not do that.  Although, I would tell others that everyone has a time they need to accept the help and their time will come to be someone else's strength. 
Hmmmm

Jenn...hey there!! and welcome back....life certainly is a struggle sometimes eh??  I have to tell you that I was wondering what happened to Jen?? and boy, do I miss her blogs....now I know...just get back to basics....you've done that by coming back here and posting!!  I know you can do it!!  Patti K.

Aww- thanks Patti.  I have thought about my blogs lately- maybe I will do one soon- it may help me get back on track and help someone else or help them not feel alone.
How have you been doing? 

Hey Jen!

Sounds like you are honestly frustrated and you ARE being honest with yourself and what your current issues are and that you have good days and bad days.  We all do.

My recommendation is to give yourself a refresher about eating habits and the diet you should be following.  Diary EVERYTHING you put in your mouth and carefully weigh and measure your food as well to ensure you are getting the proper nutrition and portion sizes. 

Difficult with all that you have on your "plate" so to speak, but by forcing yourself to be accountable to yourself and the gift you've given yourself, you may be able to break this.

Just remember this, it's NOT going to be easy and it's NOT going to be all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns.  The thing that I was told time and time again was that after surgery was going to be as hard, if not harder than prior to surgery and boy were they right!

If you continue to have issues, contact your bariatric center and ask to have a nutritionist appointment.  Show them the diary and BE HONEST! 

It also sounds like you may still have food issues, craving the wrong foods, wanting to feel "full", etc.  Again, ask your center for the name of a counsellor who specializes in eating disorders and see if you can be seen as part of your program or, if you have separate coverage, under that...

I still visit with my counsellor when I have cravings or feel the emotional eating pangs coming on...

My other suggestion is to take time for you - I understand with two special/high needs children that this is difficult (I volunteer with a local autism society), but you DO need some "me" time.  I use mine to exercise (I ride the bike) and manage to tuck it in between work, my volunteering and taking care of my DH.  I've even worked some exercise in with my volunteering...perhaps you may be able to factor your children into some form of exercise regime (not fully knowing what the situation is - that could be a wild stab in the dark but, it's worth a shot!)

The key is to be honest and accept personal responsibility, which you have done.  The next step is to ensure that you keep that up and remind yourself of what you've given yourself (the gift of a tool to assist your weight loss and a long/healthy life) and how to treat it properly.