WLS: How do I tell my Mom? (warning long post)
Hi Toni,
This is the way I started the discussion with my mom as well as my co-workers (I don't want it to be a secret from anyone):
"As you (may or may not) know, I developed diabetes 4 years ago. My doctor told me there is a surgery that has an 80%+ success rate with getting rid of type 2 diabetes in suitable candidates, and she believes that I am suitable for this surgery." And then I go into more details about what the surgery entails, so they understand it is weight loss surgery.
Everyone, without fail, so far, has been very enthusiastic and even excited for me.
This method should work if you have any medical condition/co-morbidity that will be alleviated with wls. I find that no one is going to try to talk you out of having surgery for a medical condition, whereas, if they hear 'weight loss surgery' somehow they interpret it as 'unnecessary' surgery.
Best wishes whatever your decision, Toni!
Sharon
This is the way I started the discussion with my mom as well as my co-workers (I don't want it to be a secret from anyone):
"As you (may or may not) know, I developed diabetes 4 years ago. My doctor told me there is a surgery that has an 80%+ success rate with getting rid of type 2 diabetes in suitable candidates, and she believes that I am suitable for this surgery." And then I go into more details about what the surgery entails, so they understand it is weight loss surgery.
Everyone, without fail, so far, has been very enthusiastic and even excited for me.
This method should work if you have any medical condition/co-morbidity that will be alleviated with wls. I find that no one is going to try to talk you out of having surgery for a medical condition, whereas, if they hear 'weight loss surgery' somehow they interpret it as 'unnecessary' surgery.
Best wishes whatever your decision, Toni!
Sharon
Great, thoughtful answers! We are all so individual and definitely know our own stories better than anyone else's. Although, I have never regretted not telling my family (other than dh and kids), there have been moments of doubt, but my Mom (and I love her to death) is just too opinionated and so am I, so I'm afraid, it just wouldn't work in our case. Ignorance is bliss in MY situation.
You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and no doubt you will make the decision that is best for you, whatever it is.
All the best Toni!
You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and no doubt you will make the decision that is best for you, whatever it is.
All the best Toni!
Sandy
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up"
Mark Twain 
What a wonderful well thought out post.
My take: You already EXPECT your Mother to be against your surgery. So if she does elicit the response that you expect, there is nothing lost/gained. It's your expectation and you already know her argument. It sounds like you are steadfast in where you are going and already have a support person in place if you need one, so whether she agrees or disagrees with your decision, is really up to her and should not sway where you are going in your journey. Just be prepared to hear the argument that you are expecting and agree to disagree should that be the case.
If she surprises you and gives you a different response, then you may gain another source of wonderful support.
Incidently, I run the local support group and both myself and my co-host had interference run by our parents. Her Mom was doing everything (even bribery!) to get her NOT to have surgery. My parents were less then thrilled. Both families however at the year mark changed their minds on the decision and have said it is the best thing that we've done for ourselves....so even if your Mom does not seem supportive at first, when your life changes she may feel very differently. As well, remember that alot of the "fight" is based on worry about you surviving surgery.
Good luck and let us know how you make out.
Dawn
My take: You already EXPECT your Mother to be against your surgery. So if she does elicit the response that you expect, there is nothing lost/gained. It's your expectation and you already know her argument. It sounds like you are steadfast in where you are going and already have a support person in place if you need one, so whether she agrees or disagrees with your decision, is really up to her and should not sway where you are going in your journey. Just be prepared to hear the argument that you are expecting and agree to disagree should that be the case.
If she surprises you and gives you a different response, then you may gain another source of wonderful support.
Incidently, I run the local support group and both myself and my co-host had interference run by our parents. Her Mom was doing everything (even bribery!) to get her NOT to have surgery. My parents were less then thrilled. Both families however at the year mark changed their minds on the decision and have said it is the best thing that we've done for ourselves....so even if your Mom does not seem supportive at first, when your life changes she may feel very differently. As well, remember that alot of the "fight" is based on worry about you surviving surgery.
Good luck and let us know how you make out.
Dawn
17+ years post op RNY. first year blog here or My LongTimer blog. Tummy Tuck Dr. Matic 2014 -Ohip funded panni
Windsor WLS support group.message me anytime!
HW:290 LW:139 RW: 167 CW: 139
Hi Toni.....I am one of those people that usually keeps my decisions/choices/thoughts to myself....over the last few years I have realized that if I don't lean on those that love me, who will be there to support me when I need them.
WLS has taught me a lot - everyone may not agree with my decision to have this surgery BUT they will be there for me afterwards and still love me even if they don't agree with my decision.
As other's have noted ....you are not asking for her permission.....only talking to her - woman to woman....friend to friend.
WLS has taught me a lot - everyone may not agree with my decision to have this surgery BUT they will be there for me afterwards and still love me even if they don't agree with my decision.
As other's have noted ....you are not asking for her permission.....only talking to her - woman to woman....friend to friend.
I have reached my goal weight ..... and LOVE my RNY !!!!!!!!!
It sounds like you have a really great relationship with your mom and it is eating you up inside not telling her so I think you already know what your decision is. If she is not supportive you already know that you are going to be in a tough spot ensuring that she knows that you have made this decision, you have done your homework and with a team of health care professionals have determined this is what is needed for you to live a longer and healthier life. If she is supportive then you will have another person to lean on for help.
For myself my husband is the only one that knows about my surgery and he told his best friend who is not going to tell anyone else about it. I'm sure my boss has guess as we are in the health care field so really it is not a big leap to figure it out. I'm not the sort of person that needs a big support base (present company excepted of course), my feeling is that what needs to be done to successfully lose weight and keep it off has to come from within. If it isn't there to begin with everyone in my family knowing and being supportive isn't going to make a bit of difference. Not only that but I don't need them to be food police or to be disappointed in me if I fail (I'm not gonna but still!). That's my 2 cents. I hope that your mom is supportive and it works out for you.
For myself my husband is the only one that knows about my surgery and he told his best friend who is not going to tell anyone else about it. I'm sure my boss has guess as we are in the health care field so really it is not a big leap to figure it out. I'm not the sort of person that needs a big support base (present company excepted of course), my feeling is that what needs to be done to successfully lose weight and keep it off has to come from within. If it isn't there to begin with everyone in my family knowing and being supportive isn't going to make a bit of difference. Not only that but I don't need them to be food police or to be disappointed in me if I fail (I'm not gonna but still!). That's my 2 cents. I hope that your mom is supportive and it works out for you.
Thanks for sharing this dilemma with us, Toni. I haven't even had my orientation yet, so I still have lots of time to decide who I'm going to tell and who I'm not. I have also sworn my husband to secrecy about it for now, and only told two very close and supportive friends about it.
I've also been trying to decide whether to tell my parents, or co-workers. My current impulse is to tell no one who doesn't absolutely need to know, including my parents. But I have the feeling that as I progress through the various steps and appointments and such, and surgery gets closer, I'll probably end up telling my parents about it beforehand because I'm close to them and talk to them about most things. I just don't know when I would tell them. Perhaps when I get a surgery date, and then I can present it as so definite that it's almost done already.
I'd like to not tell my coworkers at all, as well as I get along with them. But I think it will be pretty obvious if I'm on sick leave for several weeks, come back thinner, and keep dropping weight quickly after that. And if anyone comes out and asks, I don't want to tell them I'm just dieting and exercising, because I don't want to perpetuate the idea that dieting alone works when we all know that in something like 98% of cases, it doesn't. So, still thinking about that one.
The point that really hit home for me in this thread is that if we only tell a couple of people and swear them to secrecy, then THEY won't have support if they want to talk about their worries, or about any complications we might have, to someone other than us. For instance, I know my husband feels a bit anxious about this, although he is supportive. But he can't really talk about his anxiety to me because he wants to be supportive. So he has no one he can really talk to about it since I've asked him not to tell anyone.
Is that fair to him? I don't know. It's my personal health information, though, and I feel very protective of it.
I've also been trying to decide whether to tell my parents, or co-workers. My current impulse is to tell no one who doesn't absolutely need to know, including my parents. But I have the feeling that as I progress through the various steps and appointments and such, and surgery gets closer, I'll probably end up telling my parents about it beforehand because I'm close to them and talk to them about most things. I just don't know when I would tell them. Perhaps when I get a surgery date, and then I can present it as so definite that it's almost done already.
I'd like to not tell my coworkers at all, as well as I get along with them. But I think it will be pretty obvious if I'm on sick leave for several weeks, come back thinner, and keep dropping weight quickly after that. And if anyone comes out and asks, I don't want to tell them I'm just dieting and exercising, because I don't want to perpetuate the idea that dieting alone works when we all know that in something like 98% of cases, it doesn't. So, still thinking about that one.
The point that really hit home for me in this thread is that if we only tell a couple of people and swear them to secrecy, then THEY won't have support if they want to talk about their worries, or about any complications we might have, to someone other than us. For instance, I know my husband feels a bit anxious about this, although he is supportive. But he can't really talk about his anxiety to me because he wants to be supportive. So he has no one he can really talk to about it since I've asked him not to tell anyone.
Is that fair to him? I don't know. It's my personal health information, though, and I feel very protective of it.
CanDoItFour
on 11/13/11 3:54 am - Canada
on 11/13/11 3:54 am - Canada
Hi Toni
I'm pretty slow adding in my 2 cents worth, but as a Mom who had the surgery with the support of a daughter (aged 22) who was scared to death about the whole thing; but was, and still is. my absolutely ROCK, I thought I'd send along some observations too.
Since you and your Mom are so close, I am sure she knows how hard and limiting it is for you both physically and mentally to be overweight. On some level I am sure that she also knows that if there was an easy fix for you, you would have mastered it by now. At some point - once the knee jerk "NO!" reaction has passed - she will remember the toll being over-weight costs you, and will begin to focus on the up-side of you being able to live a better life after surgery.
Definitely get her involved in the orientation sessions, sites like this, etc., so she can discover the upsides beyond the worries. I did this with my family, and they have been there for me all the way ever since. They did orientation, psychology, nutrition, everything with me; and then we talked about what was said openly and honestly afterwards, which I think helped all of us a lot. My daughter and husband understood what changes I was going to have to make long term, and shared their thoughts about whether or not they thought I could handle what was required, AND how they thought it would affect THEM. By the time the surgery came we were all on the same page and had worked out strategies on how to manage pretty much everything - going out, entertaining, grocery shopping and stocking the house, special ocassion meals, etc. In the end it actually probably brought us all closer together, and has certainly made the post-surgery transition extrememly smooth.
I know this topic must be very hard for you. I finally decided that part of being in an open and loving family was to get through the bad in order to reach the good. Perhaps putting up with a little bad in order to get to the good - which you both seem to value so much - will be worth it for you too. I know it was for me.
Good luck with your decision!
Claire
RNY Feb 11 2011
HW 348
CW190
I'm pretty slow adding in my 2 cents worth, but as a Mom who had the surgery with the support of a daughter (aged 22) who was scared to death about the whole thing; but was, and still is. my absolutely ROCK, I thought I'd send along some observations too.
Since you and your Mom are so close, I am sure she knows how hard and limiting it is for you both physically and mentally to be overweight. On some level I am sure that she also knows that if there was an easy fix for you, you would have mastered it by now. At some point - once the knee jerk "NO!" reaction has passed - she will remember the toll being over-weight costs you, and will begin to focus on the up-side of you being able to live a better life after surgery.
Definitely get her involved in the orientation sessions, sites like this, etc., so she can discover the upsides beyond the worries. I did this with my family, and they have been there for me all the way ever since. They did orientation, psychology, nutrition, everything with me; and then we talked about what was said openly and honestly afterwards, which I think helped all of us a lot. My daughter and husband understood what changes I was going to have to make long term, and shared their thoughts about whether or not they thought I could handle what was required, AND how they thought it would affect THEM. By the time the surgery came we were all on the same page and had worked out strategies on how to manage pretty much everything - going out, entertaining, grocery shopping and stocking the house, special ocassion meals, etc. In the end it actually probably brought us all closer together, and has certainly made the post-surgery transition extrememly smooth.
I know this topic must be very hard for you. I finally decided that part of being in an open and loving family was to get through the bad in order to reach the good. Perhaps putting up with a little bad in order to get to the good - which you both seem to value so much - will be worth it for you too. I know it was for me.
Good luck with your decision!
Claire
RNY Feb 11 2011
HW 348
CW190
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