Funky town... anyone else been here and how do I find my way back home?? LONG and...

First of all, let me start by saying what a wonderful bunch of people you all are. Your notes of concern have not gone unnoticed. I have been absent from the boards because I've been going through some emotional turmoil. I tend to retreat into myself whenever life gets tough and I'm only just beginning to realize that maybe I should change that behavior as it tends to lead me to a very negative place.

In a nutshell... I'm afraid of becoming one of the relationship statistics. I've been with someone for the past six years and for the past couple of months I've been wondering if this is the end. Nothing has changed for him but it seems everything has changed for me. I no longer feel like the same person I was 10 months ago and it's scaring the bejesus out of me.

Here's a little synopsis of my relationship. Dated S. when I was 15 and again when I was 18. Both were short-lived and very innocent. We both went our separate ways, married others and had children. Both ended in divorce. We reconnected six years ago when I was living in Montreal and him outside of Ottawa. We remained in this long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years until I decided to make it even longer distance by moving to Northern Ontario. Now, instead of seeing each other on weekends we see each other only every 3 months or so. Everything was going fine until October when S. started pushing me (and I don't mean in a bad way) to commit to us being together on a permanent basis. This is where it gets "interesting".

Us being together permanently more than likely means me moving there. (Due to child custody issues this would be the only prudent move.) When faced with the possibility of having to uproot myself I started panicking. Do I want to make this change? Am I ready to have to start finding work and new friends? Do I love S. as much as I thought I did? Am I ready for this?

In some odd way, life 150 lbs ago was easier. I was numbed to a lot. Now that I've lost as much weight as I have I feel like a raw nerve. Everything feels much more "real". Does anyone else get that? I feel like a real cow. S. has been my biggest supporter and now I feel like I'm leaving him in the lurch. I know others will question my reasons for leaving him - if it comes to that. I know some people will say that I think I'm too good for him now that I've lost the weight. I don't believe that but I'd be lying if I said I was even remotely the same person as I was 10 months ago. I could never have imagined that I would feel this way. Does anyone get it? Am I the only one?

So, I'm leaving to visit him next week and I don't know if I'm coming back single or to pack up my things to move away. Either way, my life is about to go through another major change. What scares me the most is that I've been self-medicating in the most heinous way possible... with food! I know it's wrong and self-destructive but I can't seem to get a grip. I even watched the scale go up a few pounds (thankfully it has since come back down) but I'm really struggling. My movement has been way less than stellar (sorry A-Team) and my mojo is just in hiding. How can I get it back??

On top of everything else, my kid situation has been testing every last fibre of my being. My soon-to-be 18 year old son has admitted he's been smoking pot every single day and refuses to go to school. He's told me he plans on moving out as soon as his birthday comes. I'm left with the school calling non-stop and me wondering how I could have failed so grandly in his upbringing. There are moments when I love him to pieces and others when I wish he would just turn 18 already. I know he's not nearly ready to be on his own. I've not provided him with the tools he needs. If I move away from here it means that I will be leaving him with no support.

I'm not even sure why I'm putting all this out there for all to see. I'm so used to putting on the happy face and saying everything is ok but right now it really isn't. I feel like a failure in so many ways and I'm terrified of failing my surgery, too. I know there's help out there to guide me but I'm afraid to search it out. I feel like admitting my faults to someone will lessen my worth. Why do I feel the need to project an image of everything being hunky-dory?
 

My sincerest apologies to those of you in the CTCC. I'm gonna try and get my poop in a group and get back to "normal". Anyone have any ideas on where to start??

 

 

You are definitely dealing with a lot right now. I could not begin to give you advice. I will say that since surgery  and after 35 years of marriage I have been re-evaluating my marriage. For me it has to do with not putting everyone elses needs before mine. Don't get me wrong. I have a great husband just not always the most observant.

Perhaps right now is not the time to put so much pressure on your relationship while you deal with your son. If the relationship is solid it hopefully would last until you and your son are in a better place

Thanks for your kind words, Pat. It must be scary to be re-evaluating after 35 years. My thoughts are with you, too. Hugs!

I just want to give you a big hug and say everything is going to be okay.

I don't have answers but what I see are 2 issues. One, you have to decide on what kind of life you really want. Who do you want to be? That will help you with where you want to live and who you want to be with. And just because someone is pressuring you to make a decision, does not mean you have to. There have been so many changes in your life, maybe you still need more time to think things through.

Second, your son. If it were me, I would get tough. You don't want to go to school? You start paying rent. Might be a wake up call when he sees how fast money goes when he has to start paying for his own stuff. Is this a new problem? Is there anyone else he respects and can talk to?

Hang in there. Get back to basics. Walking always helps to clear my mind, keep moving.

Most of all, everyone here is behind you. A burden shared is a load lightened.

Thanks for your advice. I want to get tougher with my son but as he's not yet 18 he is legally unable to officially quit school and find a job. I just hate this limbo of being too young to be an "adult" and too old to force him to listen to me.

Walking is something that I love and I keep meaning to get back out there. I think I just need to start doing it again and not listen to my own excuses.

Thanks for the support.

You came to the right place.  Just think during the time you wrote this, you did not eat. 

And please stop putting yourself down.  You lost over 150lbs OMG!!!!! That in itself is freaking amazing.  As a parent, I was a single parent myself, we raise our children as to the best of our knowledge.  Then we give our children wings to fly on their "own".  We may not agree to all of their choices.  We can guide them, help them get back on the right track, but in the end it is "THEIR CHOICE".  We may not like it, but it is their choice.  Maybe when he does leave, he will realize how well he had it at home.  (I am going through some what familiar with my youngest daughter).

 

As for your "S".  I think in the end you will make the choice that you need to.  Having a long distance relationship is hard as it is. 

 

Good luck, great for noticing that it is your emotional eating that is happening.

 

Hope this help

Linda

Thanks, Linda. You're right about having our children fly on their own. I'm just so confused as to how he could have turned out so differently from me. (I'll just blame the half of his DNA that didn't come from me!)

I hope you manage to work things out with your daughter. I'll be thinking of you.

Soooo sorry you are feeling this way.  It's tough.  I may be off the money, but maybe you are having relationship issues because now, in your new body, you have a much more positive image of yourself and therefore, are allowing yourself to place value on your needs and wants.  Maybe you didn't do this before?   This whole process is rather self-oriented.  It's all about us, what we are eating, all of our needs, etc.... and it is the one time when everyone needs to rally around us for a change (I think I'm speaking as a mom, wife, and overall people-pleaser).  To that end, I think many people finally start to consider themselves worthy of a lot of wants and needs that they formerly saw as unattainable, or undeserved, and which they previously numbed or suppressed with food.  There is probably a whole new world of things out there that you now see possible for yourself.  This has got to change how you look at a lot of things, like the relationships you have.  Perhaps your other doesn't fit your new picture of the world.  It's a tough realization, and maybe he can still fit, but needs to be made aware of how to make the fit?   I'm not sure, but let yourself consider what you really need.  It's likely about time.  You might have to make some tough changes and maybe you are ready....maybe not. 

Now the kid thing is entirely different, because with kids we obviously can't think of ourselves first.  That's a whole other kettle to boil and I am not there yet.  My girls are only still 5 and 7.........I wish they would stay there.  I'm not ready for them to grow up!  Ha!

I always find exercising is when I do my deepest thinking.  Try to take it all out on your treadmill,or the pavement, or whatever it may be.  Use the time to think about what you really want. 

 

Those are my ramblings.  Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

Thanks for the advice and the insight. I'd say you hit the nail on the head. I am questioning what I "deserve". Now, don't get me wrong, S. is an absolute stellar guy. I could never find anyone who loves me more than he does. This is going to sound so heinous but I'm questioning whether or not he would be my first choice if I was the person I am now when we first got together. I don't just mean the weight but I mean my attitude and outlook and dreams. Crap, I'm a horrible person.

I will try my hardest to get back to focusing on my fitness. It really is the best therapy for me.

You are not a horrible person.  Things change.  Life changes, and your outlook and your needs have to change a long with it.  It's tough to hurt someone, and I'm not saying you should end it.  Some of the most amazing relationships that I've seen have been based on a lot of up and downs, plenty of hard work, and some hurt feelings along the way.  Just because it might be broken, doesn't mean it can't be fixed in the long term.  HOWEVER....I don;t think it is ever a good idea to stay with someone because you are afraid to hurt their feelings.  In the end, you'll still end up hurting them because you won't be able to love them in the way they need you to.  One day he'll notice, and he'll be hurt anyways.  If you don't think it will work, then be honest now  Don't waste his time.  YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON.