Find Your Inner Ninja: Week 2 (Monday)

"You cannot take away a compulsion unless you replace it with something else....acknowledge the needs it [compulsive eating] is serving and find new and more satisfying ways to fill those needs." Geneen Roth

So this weekend, I tried to get my mojo back.  Earlier this year, I signed up to run the Mississauga Marathon in May and due to some knee trouble, I hadn't run since January. I hadn't run in 3 months!  This weekend, I realized that I had just under 1 month to condition my body to run 21km!!!  Ack!  Even though I desperately wanted to sit on the couch, I got on my running gear and set out to do 15k.  As I approached my goal, I somehow summoned the extra strength to run the last 6km for a total of 21km.  I needed to prove to myself that I could still do it and somehow I did.  Every muscle in my lower body was screaming, but I NEEDED to do it for myself.  Following this 2 hour, 30 minute endeavor, I was sitting on the couch and asking myself this question:

"How can I find the strength (mental and physical), to keep myself running for 2 and a half hours and 21km, but for some reason, I can't seem to find the strength to keep myself from continuously opening up the fridge and the cupboard???  Compulsive eating must be serving a pretty big need in my life. What is it? "

BE AWARE OF WHAT COMPULSIVE EATING DOES FOR YOU

This week, try to keep a journal of all the times you feel what you think is "head hunger".  Ask yourself the following questions:

1) What do the symptoms of physical hunger feel like for me?  Am I experiencing any physical symptoms of hunger right now?

2) What emotions am I experiencing right now?

3) What do I think the food will do for me?  "When you want food and you're not hungry, it's a good indication that  you want something less tangible but don't know what it is or else feel that you might not be able to get it.....until you stop eating, you cannot discover what that is."  Geneen Roth

4) Will I (or did I), feel satisfied after eating when I wasn't hungry?

5)  What could I have done instead to satisfy what was really going on?

**** You (obviously), don't need to share your responses unless you feel the need to.  I happened to have an experience over the weekend, and so I'll share about it.  I also wrote about it in my journal. 

I ate a sensible lunch of extra lean kielbasa, cheese, and a few slices of apple, but I had the overwhelming urge to have a chocolate popsicle from the freezer **** cream treats are my absolute weakness).  Here is what I wrote about the experience (BTW, I ate the ******* popsicle.  I lost the battle.  This is my attempt to understand what  I was thinking):

___________________________________________________________________

1) I was actually very full from lunch- uncomfortably so.  I was most definitely not feeling physical symptoms of hunger, but quite the opposite, yet the urge to eat that popsicle was tormenting me. I kept thinking, "I wonder when I'll not feel so full? Then I'll have that popsicle"

2) I was at home alone, which almost never happens.  My husband had the kids out for the day.  I was relaxed, feeling free, and happy. I was also feeling antsy to do all of the things I never get to do when everyone else is around. 

3) I think the food represented a feeling of freedom.  When my hubby and kids (my food police) are around, I feel supervised and watched, so I don't "cheat" easily. I have a long time habit of sneaking food. This day, I felt like I would be missing an opportunity to savor something that I'd love, when no one was there to make me feel bad.  I was in the mood to celebrate my freedom for the day.

4)  I did not feel satisfied at all.  I devoured that thing in maybe 2 minutes, and then was left wondering "Now what?  Maybe another?"  ()  I also felt guilty as heck.

5)  I could have done one of the million other things that I like to do when I am alone.  They likely  require a little more work than walking the fridge to get a popsicle, but any of these things would have occupied more of my time and would have fulfilled me in a way that the popsicle did not (eg.  take a bath with scented oils, go over to Chapters or do some shopping.  I love shopping, but hate doing it with the family in tow)

I hear you, sister!

This is my dilemma at the moment as well.

I have been asking myself those questions in an effort to track my head hunger, and have come to a couple of conclusions:

1) Guilt as an aftermath

The guilt is the worst part of the sneaking experience. It's so much a part of the person I was before the surgery, and it reminds me a lot of friends who went through other types of addictions - sneaking was something that was an intrinsic part of the addiction. And the guilt afterward was a (very negative) part of the whole thing as well.

2) Happy-happy, joy-joy of physical activity

The natural high that I get when I DO get my butt off the couch is totally worth the discomfort and pain in my knees and chest. Plus, just like Queen Elizabeth said "there is little that a brisk walk in bracing fesh air won't cure".

3) Boredom - and recognizing the hole you're filling

I rejected the idea of boredom eating before the surgery. I was always so busy - how could I be eating out of boredom? But now I am recognizing it ... even though I may in fact be quite occupied, my mind is straying - and it seems to stray to one subject only. (Well, that and shopping ...)

I thank the surgeon I had for my physical discomfort when I overeat or when I eat too fast - that's one of the best deterrents I have found.

And I consult the "Am I Hungry?" website often to remind myself what this is about. 

http://amihungry.com/am-i-hungry-philosophy.shtml

I'm thinking of buying her kit, it's only $20, delivered.

I will have to check out this website.  Thanks for the info Gabby. :)  I hate the guilty feeling.  I punnish myself way too much, instead of processing the experience and learning from it.  I'm trying tho!

Gaby I have the book and the journal both in PDF format if you'd like them.  Just PM me your email address if you'd like them.  My clinic sent them to me.

ETA:  Mine is the Am I Hungry What to Do When Diets Don't Work.  It's been replaced with Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat.

Congratulations Marnie on getting back on track to prepare for your marathon.  It is so easy to make excuses to not to do something, but you did and good luck!

I have yet to get the book, but I'm off today so, I will pop by Chapter's before I pick up the kids.  I think I am going to find this process difficult, I'm an 'avoider' and if I don't have to think about something that is difficult for me to admit, I avoid it and still feel guilty.  I feel that emotional eating is the hardest part of this process for me.  I applaud you for sharing your experiences on the board, I'm not there yet.  Small steps...

Hey!  Thanks for the encouragement  :)  I like the book.  You do have to work though, to fit it into our lifestyle as post-opers.  She talks a lot about eating only when you are hungry and eating what satisfies you, but only to the point that you are satisfied.  We have some specific guidelines, so that makes this line of thinking a little bit harder.  I had planned on posting about that tomorrow (how to eat only when you're hungry, and does this or can this fit in with the post-op guidelines)

On the original thread about starting this thread, Paula listed the books she is currently reading.  You might want to check out those too, in order to see if they fit even better than this book.  Not to say that this book doesn't have some excellent suggestions, but it requires a bot more adaptation. 

From "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food" by Susan Albers

" When you have trouble letting go of your desire to eat or you are flooded with negative thoughts or feelings that haunt you, try this next exercise:

1. Take three deep, slow breaths.

2. Reposition your body.  It's very likely that your body has unconsciously taken a position that reflects what you are currently feeling.  For example, if you are depressed, you might be hunched over.  It's important to change your body position to help you let go of that feeling.  If you were sitting, stand up.

3. Shake your entire body.  Shake your hands, shoulders, hips, buttocks and thighs.

4. As you move, say to yourself "I am letting go of whatever is happening".

5. Imagine thoughts falling away from you while you are shaking your entire body.

6. Take three more deep, slow breaths.

7. Repeat three more times."

Congrats Marny on the run. I hoped you didn't overdue it and you knees feel good today.

Hi Paula.  This is great...filed away in my brain to try the next time.  This is exactly what I was hoping to get out of the whole thread- discussion about what works for each individual, so that everyone can take away what works for them.

BTW....my knees are fine today (phewf).  I have been doing the physio exercises for the past 3 months, so they have done wonders.  I'm not going to lie though, my muscles are tight as can be.  I'm going to need to stretch again tonight!  I am pretty used to running long distances though.  Before the knee thing, I was running quite regularly (10-16k at a time). 

Hi Marny,

So glad that you were back on track with the running this weekend! I also went out and walked 6.5 KM on Sunday and did 4 k today after i spend 2 hours outside raking up the grass and garden a bit.  

Just getting to catching up on the boards and saw your post this morning.

Interesting this morning, or it was actually noon, i had a late breakfast about 10:00 am, but for some reason i felt a little shaky and felt but not hungry...I checked my blood sugar and it was low so i decided to have some carrots and yogurt dip as a snack...I was worried that i was going to start my grazing habit soon in the day, but after i ate the carrots and the dip, i felt okay, so i know I needed to have a little something.  I then went out and did outside stuff and walked for about 3 hours in total.

Came back in for a hot shower as i got caught in the rain, and had a little snack at 4:00 with some peppermint tea and i felt so good having  tea along with my planned snack was fulling.

For me, when i graze, it is more about boredom or at least i think it is, along with it usually happens in the evening.  So, i have some good snacks now and hopefully it will help.  I think i will have to get the book you are talking about.

Thanks so much for sharing....

Right now I am going to start my dinner soon....I am trying so hard not to graze during the evening...So if i have my dinner later, i feel satisfied....

Hi Liz.  Sounds like you are doing great and being mindful of when your body needs rather than wants food.  I still don't know if I ever really FEEL hunger.  Even after having this surgery and eating small little meals, I don't know that I ever let myself feel hunger.  I might try that this week.  I might throw away the idea of eating at the traditional times to let myself experience hunger.  The only thing though, will be to see if that can actually work when I am trying to get my minimum of 60 grams of protein in. It will be interesting to see.