Family/friends who don't support your decision?

Yeah definitely my Dad is the type to monitor, and he's been overweight for 20 years. I'm better at snapping at him to leave me be, but the others in my family are big type A personalities that the thought of locking horns with... Yikes! I'm better at the subtle hints I guess. But I know I'll figure it out and make them leave me alone somehow, whether it's through confrontation or they just get bored of the subject and move on to someone else! 

Everyone is right, it is YOUR body and it is YOUR decision to make.  I would definitely ask for their support and as Krista said, you need the positive and not negative support so keep the negative comments to themselves.  Out of all honesty, my mother doesnt know that I went through this surgery - she knows that I'm very focused on losing weight and that's all I want her to know since I know she can be a neurotic worry-wart! LOL  Dont get me wrong, I love my mom dearly, but you do need to think where you can get the best support and for me that is my oldest sister,  a close friend, my shrink and support groups such as OH and that's all I need since this is my journey to take and they can't take it for me. 

Yes, WLS is a tool to help you become a healthier you physically but please dont forget you also need to work on becoming healthier mentally too.  I'm an emotional eater and I know I need help (which I'm getting) on how to handle stress in a more productive and healthy way instead of eating a chocolate bar or something which obviously doesnt solve life's problems no matter how good it tastes at the time! LOL!  It took years of habitual eating (especially where stress is concerned) for me to become obese and now its going to take time and work to undo that manner of thinking and deal with stress in better and practical ways.

Stay strong and do what's right for YOU! 

I am with you - there are certain people, specifically my four uncles, who I had no intention of ever telling about the surgery. If they noticed me losing weight I'd say what you are saying to your Mom. I know even after the surgery they would be giving me grief about it, so better to just say nothing! But now I can't take that route I just have to attack their busy-bodying from a different angle. I'm glad you have others in your life who can support you, having a therapist definitely helps! And support groups as well. And knowing you can trust your sister not to blab to your Mom - I don't have that yet in my brother which is why I didn't mention it to him, only his wife who I know I could trust with national secrets, lol. 

Becoming mentally healthier is my goal right now, for sure. I'm the same, emotional stress eater and have been coping with anxiety/overwhelming emotions through eating since I was a kid. So I'm trying to change 30 years of thought patterns and reactions, and as you said, that takes time. I'm trying to impart to my family now that this is more for my mental health than physical health as luckily I don't suffer too much on the physical side but mentally it's a different story. And they know my struggle, so I'm hoping after a few weeks that will sink in and they'll leave me be. But I am moving forward regardless :) Thanks!!

I'm going to post something that someone at my group said. If your goal is to lose your excess weight and keep it off for five years and there were two ways to do it, one with a 1-5% chance of success and one with a 55-65% chance of success, which would you choose? Surgery is my choice with that higher percentage. 

Exactly. if youve spent years killing yourself in the gym, yo-yo dieting etc etc and aren't successful, then why wouldn't you take the opportunity we're afforded in this province?! That was my first response to family and is something I will keep reiterating, with your stats in hand! Thanks! 

I've had one friend who has basically told me that what I'm doing speaks negatively of all women who are overweight, because I should love and accept myself for who I am, and my weight. 

I'm going to just let that sink in for a moment before I continue.

I'm not sure how old you are - I'm going to be honest, I'm assuming it's > 30. Before I was 30, I had a very difficult time speaking up for myself. Between 30-32, I started to learn. Between 32-35, I perfected it. Now at 36, I know that I'm my absolute best advocate. 

My first action would be to tell my father that he had no right to tell others - it wasn't his to tell. Secondly, anyone who has an opinion should be allowed to voice it - IF they do it in a respectful and non-confrontational manner. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't care what anyone else thinks and that no one should be allowed to voice concerns; after all, that's what family members do. However, the way I see it is this: unless and until those people live in the body that you're living in, they have absolutely no right to pass judgment. There's a big difference between having a conversation in which they ask questions, etc., and passing judgment. 

Stand up for yourself, don't let anyone else make you feel guilty or like you're making the wrong decision. This is your life, and you're the one who has to live in it. And remember - we're all here for you.

Good grief. I could elaborate my reaction to what your friend said but obviously we both know how ridiculous it is to think that we should stay overweight for the sake of all overweight women. But that is partly what I've been dealing with as well, just in a slightly different form. If I loved myself, the weight would come off naturally. So I better just focus on loving the body I have, and help teach other women that are my size to do the same so that the world is a happier place. I wanted to shake my friend when she said it. 

I just turned 30 in February of this year ;) And you're right, I have zero voice. I am an incredibly quiet and shy person to begin with, and while I have grown out of some of that over my twenties, when I encounter very pushy people or people who's first reaction is a lecture or even confrontation (which is how my family operates) I say nothing and let them talk, then continue on my merry way because I don't need the fight and I know what's best for me anyway. But in this instance I feel offended that they don't have enough faith in my intelligence to choose what is best for my health. I know it has a lot to do with feeling unheard, and feeling like they don't recognize me as someone who takes her time making decisions and researches things as much as she can, is intelligent and thoughtful etc etc. It makes me mad that they treat me like a child. But these are people who are always right in everything they say and do, and trying to prove them wrong is like trying to tame a crocodile - their first reaction is to bite your arm off. They know everything about everything. How I came out so different is a mystery lol, or maybe a testament to my Mom!

And I think you're right, as you get older you care less and less about the confrontation of proving your choices to people and you become your own best advocate. I feel it in my mind, but my voice hasn't quite reached that stage yet. I gave my Dad a lecture on keeping things to himself, but I should have known from the get-go that expecting him to keep this quiet was a tall order as he has been the worst secret keeper my whole life. He just likes to blab. He never does it maliciously, but it's like he can't help himself... So weird. So instead of trying to change him (since my Mom has spent 35 years trying and it's not worked one iota yet) we just leave him out of the loop... So that was my first mistake. The second was not immediately saying to family who commented, "Actually I'm not really talking about it with anyone." and leaving it at that. That probably would have shut most of them down. Because they are passing judgment, and not trying to have a conversation. They are not trying to understand, they are trying to make me conform to their way of living and their views on weight loss. And I knew that would be the reaction, which is why there was no need for them to know.

Thanks, I'm so happy to have found this board! The wealth of information and the support is so great. I do need to start standing up for myself and being firm in my choices. Nothing they can say will deter me at this point, and if anything this may be a turning point for me in making my voice heard to my loudmouth family! I guess that's how I'll start looking at it, it's not yet another chance for them to steamroll me, it's a chance for me to speak my own truth.

Your family and friends say these things out of ignorance and great love for you. Let them know you are glad they love you enough to have an opinion about you health. But also let them know that you know the best thing for you and you deserve a better life. Good luck.

Thanks :) I know at the end of the day they do all love me, even if they are misguided! I just have to keep pushing forward and not let anyone else deter me. I know what is the right decision and I've already made it! :)

Just getting something off your chest can be cathartic. So for the post you've written here, congratulations for finding a tool and using it in a way that benefits you and also in some way benefits those around you. The tool being the ability to articulate what it is that is bothering you, in a way that is simple and others can understand which leads to them interpreting what you said in a way that makes sense to them because the benefits are observable and definable. 

That is a very long way of describing a life tool you just used correctly. It's easy to know that you've used it correctly because in observing it, it's clearly simple, it had the desired affect of bringing some relief to you by just saying the words and having others respond to reaffirm your feelings about the subject are valid. Touched others enough so that they used that same tool just a bit differently to make both you feel better, and themselves feel better.

So unintentionally, I presume ;) you found a way to teach someone something so that they understand it and they used it to teach you something in a way you understand it. This is seriously significant! 

Reaction to something isn't always based on logic, knowledge and intent for the right solution to the problem to be made obvious. Not understanding or having a method of learning what the right answer is causes frustration. Responding to that frustration among other ways, is anger and an attempt to control. So the response to fears that can't be solved is anger. 

If someone who actually cares about you tries to stop you from your own reasoned solution to your problem, unhealthy excess weight, it's the fear that motivates, the frustration due to inability to understand that it's not about diet and exercise at this point, manifesting in anger to prevent you from having wls by attempting to control you by withdrawing love, in the form of acting unsupportive. 

Clearly they are not a bad person, heck they are trying to protect you from some threat they perceive, using a method that clearly won't work but they don't have another option. 

So you're response shouldn't be hurt feelings, understand it's they that are hurting just now, thus if you show them in a way they can understand, that you are changing to solve a problem that living in the world does to you. If it's a way they can understand, and interpret to be the solution to their frustration by giving them the tool to deal with their fears, the anger will be gone, and they will find that supporting you is much more beneficial to both you and them providing the successful behaviour modification in them. Thus solving you're problem of people who don't support you at the moment, by teaching them how to understand the process and act in a way that brings about success.

Life is a web with many things affecting it both directly and indirectly. All problems have a solution even if you don't know what that solution is. Understanding that allows for you to look for the tools that help you understand a solution to a problem you don't understand. Most people can research something and get the tools they need to understand and so solve problems that motivated them. Some can't. Teaching them to do that is the way you solve that problem. Teaching is the key word here. It's not reciting the knowledge. It's finding the way that they use to understand something, interpret that and have the epiphany which enlightens them and brings about the understanding and then they change as a person. You can't change them, but you can enable them to find the tools to change themselves. 

To sum up, what you have is an opportunity, that appears like something that hurts you emotionally, but rather provides you with a way to grow as a person, because you're reaction to their display of anger and attempts at control are not being offended, but instead, stopping what is hurting them through supporting them so they can change. 

We all learn differently and we all learn from errors. If you misplace your keys you don't keep looking for them after you find them. So if you find that way to help that specific person find the tools to change and gain the knowledge which eliminates the fear that causes the frustration displayed as anger, which benefits you because in doing this you gain they support, they benefit  by growing as a person and in the years to come, that person begins to understand from your example the need to become the teacher and find a way to help someone else down the road to use the tools they need to solve their problem the right way. 

All because you vented, felt better and inspired others. Not a bad day really.