Looking for some mature opinions

The below post was on the TMB this morning.  I want to know what word of advice each of you would give.

I know the answer to this, my heart just needs confirmation that I'm doing the right thing...

My son, Corbett, got in trouble about a month ago for drugs when he was 16 years old.  Today is our meeting with the juvenile probation department and the district attorney for them to decide his punishment before his hearing with the judge.  He moved out of my house about 6 weeks ago and in with my mom.  Since then, he has turned 17 and has moved out of her house and in with a friend.  I told him about the meeting last week and asked him to write it down because I wasn't going to remind him.  He didn't write it down of course.  He needs to be responsible since he thinks he is so big and can live on his own.  I go to therapy once a week and my therapist told me that I need to stand firm on what I tell my kids...if I told him I wouldn't remind him, then I have to stick to that.  But now, my heart is aching and I want to remind him because I don't want him to get into worse trouble.  Since he has turned 17, he's considered an adult in the eyes of the law and they can arrest him.  Maybe that's what he needs.  I'm just trying to be a good mom...dang this is hard.  The counselor said part of him acting so badly is because I have always swooped in and handled things with him even when I said I wouldn't.  Please give me your advice...good or bad.  Thank you.

By the way, this is not his first run in with the police...he's been getting in trouble for about 4 years now.  I'm so worn out and tired of it.  Thanks for listening.

Much love,
Jules

George, I always appreciate your posts.  This is a hard one for you.  My son went to military school in va.  This was his redemption  then on to college, army and now secret service.
His earlier path was filled with drugs, beer, and  trouble.
We took a tough love approach and that finally worked.
this a tough question to get a mature response. each young man acts differently.  we got lucky I guess.
Accountability, responsibility and consequences are great teachers not matter how much pain you have to go through
good luck

George - please pass this along to Jules.

This is almost the exact situation with my grandson. He just turned 18 and has that same independent streak and gets into trouble also. He has not been arrested for drugs and we have no proof that he even uses them, but he is impulsive and has very bad judgement.  Last weekend he went to his girlfriends apartment, broke through a window so he could catch her with another guy. Of course the boys got into a huge fist fight, the police were called and my grandson was arrested and put in the big boys jail. His bond was 50k. They did him a favor and put him in what they call the God Pod. I guess those are prisoners with some moral convictions. Anyway, my daughter did not have the 5k to bail him out and he spent 36 hours in jail. He was lucky he wasn't attacked in there and he said he learned his lesson. He got 6 months probation and cannot go near the girlfriend. 1 week later he told his mom he didn't want to live with her and moved in with a friend.

Although I agree that you must stick by your word, be careful what your word is. If it were me, I would remind him about the court hearing but I would be very careful what I say to him in the future, keeping in mind that you must stick to what you say. But I know how your heart feels and I would not want to see him miss that court hearing and end up in jail. He may end up there anyway if he does not change his ways, but I know as a mother you have to feel like you've done everything you can to prevent it. His own actions may land him there no matter what you do but I know if this were me I would say something like - I know I said I wouldn't remind you but this is so important and you have to realize what it means if you do not show up. And you have to realize what may happen to you if you go to jail. It will not be pleasant.  Then turn it over to God if you can and pray that he listens to you. That's the hardest part. I will keep you in my prayers. I know how much you must love that kid.  

ok- i am not mother of the year tho goodness knows i tried for years--as i look back on many of the troubles my eldest has it is because his dad and i did TOO much for him--he never got into this deep of trouble-and i thank God for that everyday-however-he has not been a model citizen...speeding tickets -three children out of wedlock--horrible credit...

i think that she needs to let him get himself there since she said she would not remind him--if he is a no show- well- that is part of real life and big boys need to be comfy in their panties too!!!

that may sound *****y or hard but i do believe tough love has merit and he seems to think he is now a grown up......

something tells me she gave in and reminded him......

thanks for caring so much about folks tho george!

 

I was faced with this, too. He paid the price when he was under 18, then did a small thing at 18, which became a felony, even tho he repaid the debt (under $500). He could have requested a sealed record at age 23, but he didn't. When he wanted to get into the military, they said anything under $500 was moot. But he dug around and produced the actual document (so OCD about that, but never sealed it?) and it was $502.77. Based on that, they HAD to turn him away. Sad, huh?

He is 36 today and it took some time for him to catch up with his internal demons. He traveled the world a few times, settled in Ireland, now Spain. Doesn't like it there, but he married and produced the most beautiful little girl on the planet. If he tries to leave without her, well..........

The point being, that I didn't bail him out. He paid a very high price for not taking are of his affairs. He was unable to go visit Canada (only 100 mi or so form here) when it was just a nod and drive thru for the day. Because he was a convicted felon (which he COULD have erased!), he has paid over and over. My own mother said *I* didn't do enough to help him? Scuse me? He moved in with his dad at 17 (and yep, we moved the custody officially, everyone in agreement), and moved out of there 5 months later.

So, his little following the other guys, was very costly.

I look back and wonder. Now he did this in Oregon, and it was actually taking some disabled guns from a VFW during a concert. He took them back, but the other boys denied they were there, so he took the full penalty. Jail time was sposta be 2 weeks, but he was so polite they sent him home. And he paid the full restitution. The other boys walked. Much like his offense at 13. Other kids, their parents all swore the kids were with them, and he didn't. That was "borrowing" X rated videos and returning them, which they did daily. BUT they got caught and the lady claimed they stole her VCR. Um, no one actually OWNED them in those days. We still rented.

So, he bought his bus tickets back 'n forth to Oregon from WA. My part was that I always had a hot meal and kept the shower stocked if he stopped by, but I didn't participate in this whole legal thing at all.

BUT...... and this is the part that might interest you. After all that, he never ever stepped over the line, even with speeding tickets. He has worked as many as 3 jobs. Now, he is still a lil odd, hears a different drummer, but he IS working, he adores his wife and this angelic being he created.

He paid a very high price to learn this lesson. If I had stepped in, even to help him file the paperwork to seal the records, the result might have been far different. He was running with a bad crowd, and something had to break the pattern.

Quick question, where in Spain?  I lived in Madrid for 6 years.

Barcelona 03 to 06, now in the Canaries. His buddy was in Madrid

I have to add that I agree with all you ladies and that these kids will have plenty of lessions to learn the hard way, but when it comes to a 17 year old going to jail with the big boys, something inside me says do what I can to prevent it. This poor mother can remind her son of the appointment but she still cannot make him be there. I think most kids, if they can get through the rebellious period in their lives without a permanent scar, still learn from their mistakes and turn out to be good productive people and lead responsible lives. 

When my children were young I told them that we did a lot for them and were happy to do so.  But they had to understand that I worked very hard and had no intention of ever spending a dime on a lawyer to get them out of trouble.  I said that I had taught them right from wrong so they knew better.  If they made the choice to do something wrong, it was on them and don't expect me to help.

Thank heavens they never held my feet to the fire on that one, but not a one of them ever got into trouble.

i have gone through the same thing my son is now 36.the first time he got probatetion and had to stay around the house.could not go anywhere without us,its was hard.but all i could is pray and get thorugh it.after all that he never learn his lesson.he got drinking and driving 2 times and had to pay dearing for that.and the next time it happens.it will spend time in jail and lose his driving  for 7 seven years.it may take the jail to wake him up.but i would put it in the lords hands.l do that everyday.when i leave the house i say to him let it be peace in the house and say that when ireturn due my son still lives with me.i will be praying for you.


marylyn