OT: some more trivia/not for the weak
Some of you know what I am going thru with my mothers, some not. After I explain you might understand a bit more about the emotional eating I am going thru.
Last April she was involved in a car accident. At the time she was 84 and still a licensed driver. Her house is in the country and she would drive to her sisters house here in town or the store. That was basically all she needed. One of the streets that she has to cross to get to her house is a country hwy. She crossed or attempted to cross but there was a mid size truck just exiting the interseciton and she clipped him, He went into a spin and hit the side of a car coming other direction than he was going, that thru the car into a telephone pole. The car had about 5 people in it, one of the passengers in the back seat was killed (decapitated), on a side note, he was the only one not buckled in. Yes, my mom was at fault in causing the accident.
Statue of limiitations here is one year. So toward the end of March she wasa served her papers and the district attorney filed on her for vehicular manslaughter. We go to court once a month and it keeps getting put off the final sentencing. We do know that there is no incarceration but will be on probation. In the mean time, there is no way that she can be or live by herself in her house, her house is falling down on her, it really is, so she has been here with me since August.
My mother is not a happy person, never has been. She has always been spiteful, mean, and agrumentive. Never will "ask" you to help her but will give a sly under the breath statement to make you feel guilty if you don't help her. I can't deal with her too much longer, I at times feel a breakdown coming on. I come into the spare room here were I have the computer and work on they facebook farm town. That is where I escape....it takes me away from reality for the moment.
I lost a job in May. I look back and can understand why. Going to work and wondering what is happening at my house or going off to work with a mean person chiding you as you go out the door. I have tried to talk to her about this and told her with this new job I take the hatefulness as I am leaving....so I am hoping I will be keeping this job. It is a great job, will post about it later sometime, maybe...
I have only touched on the surface with the accounting, but hope you understand what is happening in my life. I have a hard time with eating, I eat right, but also fill in the gap times with bad foods. Bad foods are cheap and sometimes that is all that I can afford. I just so want my live back, me, my dog, bird, fish....just us.....I have had a couple gentlemen interested in me, but there is no way I could be invovled with her here so have had to send them on their way.....is this payback from my years growing up?
Last April she was involved in a car accident. At the time she was 84 and still a licensed driver. Her house is in the country and she would drive to her sisters house here in town or the store. That was basically all she needed. One of the streets that she has to cross to get to her house is a country hwy. She crossed or attempted to cross but there was a mid size truck just exiting the interseciton and she clipped him, He went into a spin and hit the side of a car coming other direction than he was going, that thru the car into a telephone pole. The car had about 5 people in it, one of the passengers in the back seat was killed (decapitated), on a side note, he was the only one not buckled in. Yes, my mom was at fault in causing the accident.
Statue of limiitations here is one year. So toward the end of March she wasa served her papers and the district attorney filed on her for vehicular manslaughter. We go to court once a month and it keeps getting put off the final sentencing. We do know that there is no incarceration but will be on probation. In the mean time, there is no way that she can be or live by herself in her house, her house is falling down on her, it really is, so she has been here with me since August.
My mother is not a happy person, never has been. She has always been spiteful, mean, and agrumentive. Never will "ask" you to help her but will give a sly under the breath statement to make you feel guilty if you don't help her. I can't deal with her too much longer, I at times feel a breakdown coming on. I come into the spare room here were I have the computer and work on they facebook farm town. That is where I escape....it takes me away from reality for the moment.
I lost a job in May. I look back and can understand why. Going to work and wondering what is happening at my house or going off to work with a mean person chiding you as you go out the door. I have tried to talk to her about this and told her with this new job I take the hatefulness as I am leaving....so I am hoping I will be keeping this job. It is a great job, will post about it later sometime, maybe...
I have only touched on the surface with the accounting, but hope you understand what is happening in my life. I have a hard time with eating, I eat right, but also fill in the gap times with bad foods. Bad foods are cheap and sometimes that is all that I can afford. I just so want my live back, me, my dog, bird, fish....just us.....I have had a couple gentlemen interested in me, but there is no way I could be invovled with her here so have had to send them on their way.....is this payback from my years growing up?
Women are angels.
...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick.
We are flexible.
Darlene
...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick.
We are flexible.
Darlene
Darlene {{{{Darlene}}}}},
First, No, you are not being paid back.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your mom is soooooooo lucky to have you. I don't know how you do it.
I won't offer any suggestions as I know you are one smart cookie and probably have looked into anything already that I may suggest. But...if you need help or have some questions...care for elderly, services for them , Social security and Medicaid stuff etc etc are all up my alley. It's what I do everyday. I know WA law is different but I might know something....so feel free to ask....at the least I am here supporting you and telling you wow, you should be proud that you are trying to help one that is soooooo difficult to even want to help....
One thing....don't sacrifice you...even if you have some already...don't sacrifice more of you....
I am worried everyday something like this will happen to my parents as they both should not be driving at all!!!! They too are very difficult. I come away exhausted and depressed after just one Father's Day dinner. So I can not even imagine what you are dealing with. Not all of us have parents that are good/healthy for us to be around.
Take care,
Cheryl
First, No, you are not being paid back.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your mom is soooooooo lucky to have you. I don't know how you do it.
I won't offer any suggestions as I know you are one smart cookie and probably have looked into anything already that I may suggest. But...if you need help or have some questions...care for elderly, services for them , Social security and Medicaid stuff etc etc are all up my alley. It's what I do everyday. I know WA law is different but I might know something....so feel free to ask....at the least I am here supporting you and telling you wow, you should be proud that you are trying to help one that is soooooo difficult to even want to help....
One thing....don't sacrifice you...even if you have some already...don't sacrifice more of you....
I am worried everyday something like this will happen to my parents as they both should not be driving at all!!!! They too are very difficult. I come away exhausted and depressed after just one Father's Day dinner. So I can not even imagine what you are dealing with. Not all of us have parents that are good/healthy for us to be around.
Take care,
Cheryl
We never touch people so lightly we do not leave a trace.
Peggy Tabor Millin
Thanks so much....she is mostly able to care for herself, it will be much better when all the legal issues are done. The people in the car have filed (wrongful death) suit against her, my daughter and her husband. IT was my daughters car and insurance that was invovled. Until that is taken care of, she can not sell her property or change title on it....once she can sell she will have it made...and can buy her own little place in town so she can have her doggy and cat there and be close to her sister and out of my hair....lol
Women are angels.
...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick.
We are flexible.
Darlene
...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick.
We are flexible.
Darlene
Darlene...this just brought tears to my eyes. You are going above and beyond in this situation. What a wonderful daughter you are!!
I hope this all gets settled soon. You deserve a life of your own. Having a gentleman in your life to share time with would be just awesome. You are an attractive lady I am sure there would be men interested in you.
Thank you once again for sharing this part of your life with us. You have touched my heart.
HUGE HUGS and love to you....connie d
I hope this all gets settled soon. You deserve a life of your own. Having a gentleman in your life to share time with would be just awesome. You are an attractive lady I am sure there would be men interested in you.
Thank you once again for sharing this part of your life with us. You have touched my heart.
HUGE HUGS and love to you....connie d
Dear Darlene,
Thank you for allowing us to walk a mile in your moccasins, giving us a better understand of why you seem so miserable at times. Know that you are an amazing woman. My mother died when I was 19 and my father had a second wife taking care of him until his death. I don't know the extent of your relationship with your mother but clearly you are getting burnt out. Your first responsibility is to your own life. Gotta be good for yourself to be good for someone else. Have you considered leveling with your mom's sister? Maybe she could take your mom in for awhile and give you a break.
Peace and joy, Linda
Thank you for allowing us to walk a mile in your moccasins, giving us a better understand of why you seem so miserable at times. Know that you are an amazing woman. My mother died when I was 19 and my father had a second wife taking care of him until his death. I don't know the extent of your relationship with your mother but clearly you are getting burnt out. Your first responsibility is to your own life. Gotta be good for yourself to be good for someone else. Have you considered leveling with your mom's sister? Maybe she could take your mom in for awhile and give you a break.
Peace and joy, Linda
It is so very easy to compromise our lives for someone that we care so deeply about. But when it comes to mean, spiteful behavior, we have no choice but to sometimes put up a boundary that simply must not be crossed.
My own mother was sick for as far back as I can remember. But there wasn't anything that I would not do for her. My children, husband, myself, we all sacrificed so much, but I don't have any regrets because she's no longer with us. But, over time, we heard little snide remarks being made that basically boiled down to the fact that what we did just wasn't what it should have been, or "good enough". It's a bitter pill to swallow, especially when you know that you've poured all of your heart and soul into it, and there really wasn't anything more that anyone could even do. The worst blow came after my mom had died, when my dad started dating 2 months after her death. He was not a very good husband or father at all. Very abusive, both mentally & physically. But in order to get a woman at all, he had to forsake his own flesh and blood just to build himself up to be the perfect husband & father. He told his "new loves" that his girls never did anything to help their mother; he was the one to do it all. That was so painful, and the farthest thing from the truth. Dad was sitting on a bar stool when mom took her last breath.....
Dysfunctional families last a lifetime, unfortunately, and the scars are forever. It's no wonder that food has become such a comfort to so many. But at least you have recognized where your issues lie and that's the first step in taking control. Don't be afraid to put up the boundaries. Sometimes we need them simply to survive. Good luck to you - I hope things get better for you.
My own mother was sick for as far back as I can remember. But there wasn't anything that I would not do for her. My children, husband, myself, we all sacrificed so much, but I don't have any regrets because she's no longer with us. But, over time, we heard little snide remarks being made that basically boiled down to the fact that what we did just wasn't what it should have been, or "good enough". It's a bitter pill to swallow, especially when you know that you've poured all of your heart and soul into it, and there really wasn't anything more that anyone could even do. The worst blow came after my mom had died, when my dad started dating 2 months after her death. He was not a very good husband or father at all. Very abusive, both mentally & physically. But in order to get a woman at all, he had to forsake his own flesh and blood just to build himself up to be the perfect husband & father. He told his "new loves" that his girls never did anything to help their mother; he was the one to do it all. That was so painful, and the farthest thing from the truth. Dad was sitting on a bar stool when mom took her last breath.....
Dysfunctional families last a lifetime, unfortunately, and the scars are forever. It's no wonder that food has become such a comfort to so many. But at least you have recognized where your issues lie and that's the first step in taking control. Don't be afraid to put up the boundaries. Sometimes we need them simply to survive. Good luck to you - I hope things get better for you.
You are really doing an awesome job of managing your situation. What a strong and capable woman you are. Many would crumble under similar cir****tances. Speaking as a daughter who's mother is cut from the same cloth as yours, stay focused on what you need in your life. It's too easy to become so involved with their care that you forget your own. Your physical and emotional health must be preserved or you will be unable to be of help to mom. You are doing her a favor taking care of yourself. You have to be at your best to serve someone else. After many years in the ministry, my husband and I have learned this lesson over and over again. It is especially hard with family members. But, if your desire is to help, first take care of yourself. That may mean some reasonable boundries, seeing a counselor or therapist, but most importantly doing the basics.....regular meals, adequate rest, and a time to become balanced emotionally and/or spiritually. I am praying for you my dear. My heart so understands yours. Sending sooooo many hugs!!!
Walking with you on this journey, Mary
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
The hardest thing I ever had to do was go to the doctor with my Mom 2 years ago and take her car keys away from her. The doctor gave a diagnosis of "advanced dementia" and she has steadily declined.
We had to sell mom's house to keep her in assisted living and are now having to move her to an intermediate care nursing facility. AND we are sweating the costs until Medicaid kicks in......so, long story short, I feel your pain, Darlene.
Hang in there!! Remember to TAKE CARE OF YOU, please. You are worth it, I promise!!!!
We had to sell mom's house to keep her in assisted living and are now having to move her to an intermediate care nursing facility. AND we are sweating the costs until Medicaid kicks in......so, long story short, I feel your pain, Darlene.
Hang in there!! Remember to TAKE CARE OF YOU, please. You are worth it, I promise!!!!
back in Galveston
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“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm?
Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway.
John Wayne
OH Support Group Leader
Darlene, my heart goes out to you for this situation. It has to be hard on you and your life. I took total care of Mom during the later years of her life. I have to say that she was always a peace loving person and never would cause problems until the Alzheimer's advanced. Then at times it would hit the fan..and I am not talking ice cream either...it was just plain old crap!
I know that "talking under their breathe" can really get to you. I use to think to myself, and I know this isn't nice but sometimes it is hard to be nice to them, "you are going to need me before I need you" and that is just what I had to think. It helped me to get through. I would stop talking to her and doing for her (not the things that would jeopardize her health) and finally she came around. I don't know is something like this would work for you but it did for me.
Even though she seems to be with it I would think at her age there is a certain amount of dementia going on with her. I would be very surprised if there wasn't really. I would talk with her doctor about possibly getting her into a nursing home. At least that way she would be watched and that would probably help the legal part of the problems. Just an idea.
I will be keeping you in prayers for this problem and please know that it is so important for you to take care of Darlene...you are the only one who will. Make sure that you get your protein and water and vitamins which I know you of all people know. ha ha Get your much needed rest and know one thing...you always have a soft place to fall here with us. Everyone needs a soft place to fall. As for work...know that when you walk out of the house to go to work in the morning you can shut the door on her and the situation. I know that would help me to get through the day at work.
I know that "talking under their breathe" can really get to you. I use to think to myself, and I know this isn't nice but sometimes it is hard to be nice to them, "you are going to need me before I need you" and that is just what I had to think. It helped me to get through. I would stop talking to her and doing for her (not the things that would jeopardize her health) and finally she came around. I don't know is something like this would work for you but it did for me.
Even though she seems to be with it I would think at her age there is a certain amount of dementia going on with her. I would be very surprised if there wasn't really. I would talk with her doctor about possibly getting her into a nursing home. At least that way she would be watched and that would probably help the legal part of the problems. Just an idea.
I will be keeping you in prayers for this problem and please know that it is so important for you to take care of Darlene...you are the only one who will. Make sure that you get your protein and water and vitamins which I know you of all people know. ha ha Get your much needed rest and know one thing...you always have a soft place to fall here with us. Everyone needs a soft place to fall. As for work...know that when you walk out of the house to go to work in the morning you can shut the door on her and the situation. I know that would help me to get through the day at work.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter
that tells what kind of life you have lived.
I feel bad for your situation. We had a problem with one of our parents coming to live with us. In your situation, the court date is causing alot of pressure,and its hard to function with that type of pressure. This we know something about.
Our problems were more along the lines of senior respect and inappropiate activities. We own the house, and like telling your kids, you live by our rules or leave. Tough love approach. A strong sit down talk with an eye on consequences for bad behavior. And enforcing it. We had that talk and stood firm and it showed and the situation cchanged for the better. It lasted 13 mos and then we had to move her to an assisted living center. Best action taken and good for all.
You cannot carry this burden and expect to function. The handling of these affairs can break or make families let alone singles.
Get out and about taste the wine
good luck
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