Thoughfully waiting the change

Hi everyone!

Today I sit here only days before surgery.  I have been overweight all my life.  I have been on every diet there is.  I remember being called chubby.  My grandmother would say I had baby fat.  Even though I was in my 20's. 

Not only will this be a physical change for me but, I will have to make many psychological changes.  I went through my life where my father would make fun of me.  He would say the only job you're ever going to have is the fat lady in the circus.  Hurtful to this day.  I don't look in the mirror and haven't for a long time.

In 2004 I decided to live a healthier lifestyle.  I quit smoking and started on the Atkins diet.  To date, I have lost over 134 lbs on that diet.  However, I am still over weight.  I now weigh 216.  It has been hard and has taken me five years to lose the weight.   I can't seem to lose the ridicule of all the years growing up.   I hope once I am down more weight, I will forget and forgive my father for ruining my life and the way I felt about myself.   Those words made me agorophobic and I have OCD.  I never felt comfortable in my own skin.  I am being treated for the psychological issues and it is working to an extent.   

I know I am getting a tool and I will use it to its full advantage.   I just hope that once I am thinner I can feel better about myself.  And not see the fat lady in the circus in the mirror no matter how much weight I lose.

I guess I am looking for support and I am getting nervous and excited about the whole thing.  I am worried RNY won't work for me.  I see so many people who look great and sound happy about who they are now.  I am 57 and have lived with the ridicule since I was 5.  I just want to be happy.  

I am not doing this for anyone but me.  It is important to me.  I also need to know if walking is enough excercise post surgery.  My doctor says an hour of excercise a day.  Is this what you do?

Can't afford the gym with all the doctor bills rolling in so I have to find something that will be cheap and easy. 

I guess I am just getting nervous.  By the way, I have only lost around 5 lbs on my liquid pre op diet for two weeks.  I was a little disappointed in that.  I thought i would lose more.

so share your story with me, and keep me in your prayers.

Mary G

Hello Mary...people can be so cruel...even if they are just trying to be funny. I am sorry you have had dso much pain in your life. You deserve better.

Congrats on the awesome weight loss you have achieved so far...WOW!! I am so happy for you that you will be having WLS soon. You will be so glad you did it!!

You take good care of yourself. Follow your surgeons advice and you will do great!! We will all be here for any other support you need. The only dumb question is the one you don't ask.... so ask away!!!!

I will be watching for you to post your surgery date....that will be so exciting!!

Have a great weekend. Be good to yourself!

Hugs....connie d

Hi Connie,

Thanks for answering and giving me some support. I really appreciate it. 

My surgery date is July 14th.  I am getting excited and contemplating my new life style. 

Thanks for making me feel comfortable and able to ask any  questions.  After surgery, I know I will have a ton of them.

So far I am following everything I am suppose to be doing.  I know after surgery I will too.  I waited too long to have this surgery.  I should have had it done when I was younger.

Thanks again for posting

Mary

Oh Mary, your story is so familiar!  So many of us will tell you the same things, lifelong weight problems and ridicule.
When I was 12 my mom told me " I always wanted a dainty petite daughter, and what did I get?  A moose!".  I had an employer, when I taught beauty school back in the day, who said he'd only hire me if I swore I'd never wear white pants to work....my butt was big enough to show a movie on it. Now I'd sue the jerk, but there wasn't anything to do about that sort of thing then.

I can't say the body image issues will go away when you make goal. For many, it takes years for the mind to catch up with our new bodies. I have been at goal for almost 2 years and never see myself as a size 4 when I look into the mirror. Maybe an 8, but not a 4.  I am more self confidant, more self assured, but there are many demons that plague me, and old habits creep back into my life far too easily. But, at least I have the tools to deal with them better now than before my surgery.

Walking is a great exercise, and it's certainly cheap!!!  Yes, you'll do just fine, I'm sure. We're here rooting for you and more than happy to answer questions.

Take care!

Susan,

Those were horrible things said to you.  And, I don't think we can every forget them.  When I look in the mirror I see what I was told I was going to be.   I have to learn to shake those.

You have done great and are a good inspiration. Size 4?  wow.  Even a size 8? Whoo hoo.

I understand about the demons and I have made up my mind that I have sacraficed long enough for this surgery that it will not fail.  Only I can fail it.   I am not going to do that.

I am going to walk and thanks for the support.


Mary G

Mary,

I'm so sorry you suffered all that abuse and are getting treatment for it.  You are wise to realize that WLS will bring psychological as well as physical changes.  I hope you also realize that WLS will not cure all your emotional problems.  Another OH member, Michelle (RNY patient and author of the eggface blog) commented once that the mental WLS journey takes a lot longer than the physical one.  You spent 57 years thinking you were the fat lady at the circus...that's not going to change overnight.

Walking is excellent exercise.  My surgeon wants me to do at least 30 min. of exercise a day.  At the start, all I could manage was a 2-3 short walks (5-10 min each).  Gradually I added more time, until I could walk for 40 min.  Eventually I needed more of a challenge and joined a health club, and I exercise for 40-60 min at a time, 6 days a week.

Losing 5 lbs on your pre-op diet is just fine.  The point of that diet is to improve the size and texture of your liver, not to lose weight.

Good luck!
Jean

Jean,

Thank you for taking the time to write.  You are right.  I have to treat my psychological problems too.  I am working hard on that.  It is just hard to get over things when you have been told them so long.  I always felt like an outcast in my own family.

I am going to start by excercising and walking.  I bought a dvd for belly dancing ( far down the road..lol)  and tai chi.  2 Different ones.  I think tai chi will be good for me.

I will probably only be able to do short walks in the begining too. 

I am looking forward to the journey

Thanks again

Mary G

Mary,

You said so many things in your post that touched me. It sounds to me like you are as ready as  anyone can be for this surgery. You have done so well losing so far. How tall are you? I'm just 5'3". I weghed 377 lbs and now weigh right at 200. Have gained a bit from my low of 185. Am now recommitting to exercise and trying to get back on track.

I know you are working on it and it is so hard to turn off those negatives, but look in the mirror and then look at a picture of you 134 lbs ago. Look at it until you see the difference. I'm sure you feel much better than you did then. Losing even the first 50 lbs made an incredible difference in my mobility. Sure I have loose skin and wrinkles. I'm 60, nothing will change that. But . . . I can go and do things that I hadn't done in years.

I'm living life fully, making up for lost time. Try not to let those hurtful words and people from long ago continue to control you. You deserve better and you need to do whatever it takes to banish those feelings and memories. So hard yes, but when they enter your mind come here, call a friend, journal, do something nice for yourself. Even tell those hurtful people that you are through letting them control you!! (they don't have to be physically present for you to tell them off!)

I KNOW you're going to do awesome and look forward to following your journey.

A couple of thoughts. You probably have not lost as much on your pre op diet because you HAVE BEEN dieting for a long time. Usually a lot of that pre op is fluid retention and you probably don't have much of that.

I still love to read profiles and look at before and after pictures. I still have weight to lose, but compared to me 4 years ago I look pretty darn good if I have to say so myself!

Don't be a stranger here. It's an awesome place to come to any time of day or night. Sometimes just stating a frustration or stumbling block helps me to "see" what is really going on. That's always the first step for me. I have to "see" it before I can take action.

Geeze, I've gotten long winded here, but you rang a lot of bells with me. Re: walking. I read where it doesn't matter if you walk a mile or run a mile you burn the same amount of calories. Hard to believe, but I've read it several times. So you just need to put in the time. Yes, I believe an hour a day of walking is really good exercise. Especially if you figure out a route where you have a bit of an incline going. That will get your heart rate up. And work up to a good pace, pump those arms. Some people put on weights on wrists and ankles. I felt like I had plenty of weight already.

One more thing (or maybe two or three) and then I'll go. Next time you are at the store why don't you get an empty cart and load up THIRTEEN 10 lb bags of sugar in that cart. Pu**** around a bit and then put it back on the shelf. Girl, that is a lot of weight to lose and all of us here can appreciate the sustained effort it has taken to do it! You're right; the keeping it off is the hard part. We're here for you. You take care and give yourself a hug and some positive words from me. You deserve them! I'm outta here and out doors for a walk in this beautiful morning before it gets too hot!

Hi Karen,

Thanks for all the postives and you are an inspiration.  I am 5ft tall.  Not very tall.lol.

I guess you are right about not losing that much before surgery.  I have been on a diet strictly now for five years.  I just came back from the store and bought stuff for pre op diet and afterwards.  Jello, pudding, (All sugar free)  Broth and no sugar creamer.

I will give myself a hug and some postive words.  I have heard too many negatives.   The people who made fun of me now say I don't need the surgery.  I have not listened to them, I am doing this for me.  Not them.  Why wouldn't they want me to go through with it now?  Weird

Thanks and you are also an inspiriation...  and very helpful

Thanks and good luck to you too

Mary G

 Dear Mary,

You're story touched my heart also. You'll succeed with all of your goals! I had the same doubts before my surgery two years ago. I've been at my goal weight for more than a year and every day I wake up I still feel like I've had a dream and I'm going to look in the mirror and see that old fat lady again. I wonder if everyone else feels like that?? I can tell that you are completely committed to this process and use every tool you have. 

We're the same age and I remember as a young girl when my mom would see an extremely obese person and tell me, "You don't want to look like that, do you". She was thin and didn't understand (or want) an overweight child. I went to my first diet doctor when I was 8 or 9. 

Good luck with your surgery. You'll do GREAT!!!

xoxo Kathie