How do I stop caring?

It has finally occured to me that an awful lot of people... bosses, family, so-called friends... really a lot of people simply care only for themselves, and how things affect them.

You *think* they care... but when it comes right down to it you don't matter at all... or very, very little.

So, now that I know that is the way it is, I am trying to figure out what I should do... How do I stop caring? I try and fool myself.... you know, having an internal conversation like "Oh, no time to talk to me eh... fine, who gives a s*#t..." but it hurts. If I didn't care, it wouldn't hurt right?

I have been too soft my whole life... too emotional and caring and wanting to please rather than be pleased... That has to change I guess, although it is rather late in life to finally figure this out...

So.... my daughter who lives in California... wont talk to me because I was not able to come out to California to see my new granddaughter... didn't seem to matter that I had just had knee surgery, couldn't walk, had no job or money... none of that mattered... only thing that mattered to her was that she didn't get what she wanted and asked for, so don't worry about Dad's feelings.. just shut him out and go on about your life... Broke my heart... it's been a year, and what's really sad is that I can't seem to stop the hurt... If I don't learn to stop caring...

My "best friend" can't ever call or email.. I always have to do it... and this last time he just cut me off because he was busy... wanted to talk to him is all...

I got hurt at work... tweaked by back pretty bad... and with one exception the "higher ups" only wanted to give me a disciplinary write up for not following procedures... even though I did. They finally figured that out, and no write up occured, but it was the intentions that bothered me... not once did anyone seem to care at all that I was in a lot of pain, miserable, and just wanting to get back to health and back to work. I used to do all kinds of extra stuff at work.... above and beyond the call so to speak.... because I am capable of a lot more that my job description... but that ends now... ungrateful (expletive deleted) .... I will stop caring... somehow...

Even my wife.... everything is initiated by me... I think if she ever actually came over to me and gave me a kiss I would faint dead away.... it just tells me that she is not the least bit interested... only interested in what she wants to do, not what I might want or need... doesn't even notice the things I do to make her happy... just comes home and gets on the computer... this is like deja vu for me... after 19 years of marriage this is what my first wife did... tuned me out, got on the computer and played games... it sticks in my memory as the death knell of that marriage...

I am on a one way street... and it leads away from me, never toward me.

Which begs the obvious question; Is it me?... am I the one who doesn't have his head screwed on straight?

Very possible... it seems like every boss acts the same uncaring way... so maybe that is the secret to getting ahead in this world... turn into one of the buttheads I loathe... and move right on up!

Sorry to bother you all with this... I neede to vent... and guess what?... I have nobody...

Marc:

There are times I feel the same way, that nobody cares. When I had my last knee surgery, I got nothing, not a card, from my coworkers. I had a few phone calls, but nothing else from work. I guess they didn't care except to get me back as soon as possible. And then when I did get back, I got the runaround from the insurance folks. Lately, I've found this employer to be much like the others ... caring only for the bottom line. So why did I think they'd be different?

So no, I don't think it's you. This sometimes is the way of the world. And if you need to vent, this is the place to do it. I'm feeling kinda needy myself tonight ... kind of alone, lonely and wanting to talk to someone, but everyone's out and doing something, so there's no one around. You have people who care, you just have to reach out to the right ones.

I often find myself the one who has to make the phone calls ... and sometimes that ticks me off. Why can't someone call me? They all have phones too ... but that's the way things are. So sometimes if I want to reach out, I do, even if it means I make the first step. Because if I don't take that step, then I'm alone and making bad choices (food, spending ... well, not spending now because I don't have any money, but food at least) ... and it's better to reach out than to eat.

Don't turn into one of the buttheads. Be yourself. That's what's important.

Great post, Eileen.  I understand exactly how you feel about the calling. I have an old friend, a very close old friend.  I tried calling her to let her know about my surgery before I went in, but she never returned my call.  My daughter told her about my surgery and that I had called her to tell her.  To this date, still no call.  If the shoe had of been on the other foot, I would have called her ASAP, knowing she just had surgery.  It kind of hurts, although I have convinced myself, it's just not worth the energy of hurting.  I guess I'm vulnerable to emotions running high being so close out of surgery.  I'm just a different kind of person, I guess.  Sometimes I think I care too much about people and not enough about myself.  This, too, will change in time once I'm 110% back strength-wise.

This place is great.  So many people understand.  Thanks to each of you for the support you continue to give.

I have an old college friend (whose name is Debbie, by the way) ... for the past few years, I've always had to call her. I know she was busy with her husband being sick and taking care of him, and also dealing with her daughter. But then her husband died, and suddenly, she didn't have that burden (and I say burden, because he was ... he wasn't a nice man, but she stuck it out with him to the end). And still, I was the one always making the calls, trying to get together, she would seldom call me back ... "Oh, I'm busy at work, busy with family, etc." Well, I have work, I have family (although not here ... in Chicago), I have obligations, too. But I consider my friends my family. And I put out for them. And I expect the same back. So last year, after calling her and not hearing from her, I gave up. I haven't heard from her since ... just a Christmas card saying she was busy, that we should get together ... the same old spiel.

After my friend Margie died, I felt bad that I lost touch with Debbie, that I can't lose friends ... and I almost called her. But then I think, she hasn't thought that about me, or she would have called me. She doesn't know what's happening in my life. She doesn't seem to care.

As you said, some of us are givers, some are takers. I'd like to think I'm a giver, but I want to get some back, too. I think maybe Marc feels the same way. And maybe you, too. Maybe all of us.

Marc,

Your post brought tears to my eyes.  So much of what you expressed reminded me of myself and how I was feeling yesterday.  There are givers and there are takers in this world.  People like you and I are givers.  Putting others first unselfishly because it makes us happy.  When the simple act of kindness and caring gives people like us pleasure, there are others (the takers) who continue to take more and more from the givers without regard of their feelings or the mere act of just being considerate.

I had planned on attending a cookout with my daughter yesterday.  My other daughter sent her a text, letting her know I would be going with her, asking her to call me.  My daughter sent a text msg back replying positively, saying she would call.  I drove to her house, took me 25 minutes to get there, and she left without me.  No phone call, no anything.  The cookout was over an hour away.  I was so hurt to think that she didn't even have the decency to call me, I thought, I'm not letting this ruin my day.  I talked to myself and told myself that I was a good person and didn't deserve this.  So, I went to the video store, rented movies, and thought to hell with it.  The person that is responsible for my happiness is ME!  The only one I can depend on for my happiness is ME! 

She left me a voice mail later explaining that she left in a hurry, yada yada yada.  If someone cannot take ONE MINUTE out of their time to call you, making you aware of a situation like that, why should I continue to go out of my way constantly to overlook her inconsiderations where my feelings are concerned?   

I had an okay day yesterday, just me and my movies, but that's okay because there are more happy days to come the further out from surgery I get.  I'll continue to be the nice, caring person I am, because that's who I am.  I'd much rather be a giver than a taker.  

Don't change your kindness and sense of caring because of the advantage takers in this world.  There are plenty of wonderful people who deserve people like you!

God bless

Hey Marc...I'm so sorry that you are feeling that way because there are some truly wonderful caring people out there...just seems that so many are caught up in the stress and the rat race of trying to get ahead and they forget that we all need each other.  I've felt the same as you at times so I do understand where you are right now.

Sadly, alot of the new generation has become a "ME" generation.  As "Boomers", we gave so much to our kids that we didnt have and sometimes the old-fashioned values that worked so well have faded.  Too much violence, sex and greed on TV and in movies (won't even talk about the lyrics of the latest songs!) and the boundaries between what's right and fair and what's wrong have corroded and fallen apart.  Nothing shocks anymore, it seems, and that's a perspective on the whole of society. 

I believe that the earth is going thru a transformation...being spiritual but not religious, I feel that mankind is getting a wake-up call and we need to become a "WE" society  to survive as a race.  Those of us who still care..and there ARE alot of people who do,  we need to still care..because those who care will be the ones who change things for the better.

I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching because I'm not..I've sure been thru more than my share of hurts and slights and feeling lost and abandoned but I refuse to allow "them" to have the power of their negativity over me.  My doctor used to tell me that I'm a Mercedes in a Chevy world....lol...physically and emotionally.  I choose to believe in positive thinking and the power of that...hang in there, Marc.  You can always PM me if you wish to. *hugs*

Nancy B

Excellent post, Nancy B!

marc...oh gosh...i have had some very similar things iwth my kids and michael's-and now; with us moving away-how could we DARE to be so selfish??? to only care about ourselves???? oh boy-don't get me started !!!

i can relate to what you are saying on many fronts- when i almost lost my job last year over the gal who was so sicko--it was horrid.......it was not my fault yet i almost lost my job...not even a write up.....

um...the computer and the hubby-my first was well- never mind-i don't wish to air it here...

you are not being ignored-at least not by me--i saw ya asking susan to surprise ya!!!!!

i don't have answers- i don't think it's you tho sometimes maybe some of the things you say or do--they may be percieved in a not so positive light by some ppl....oh gosh-i'm trying to keep my foot outta my mouth here...

i do think nancy b is onto something-don't let the *******s get to ya!!! i have had to take that attitude....and watch out for me..i wanna talk about me, i wanna talk about i , i wanna talk about number one oh my oh my......(toby keith rocks!!!!!!!!!!!)

sorry- having a bad day here at my house right now....however i care about your day!

Marc, the only thing that I can say is...don't stop being Marc. Just be yourself.... because you are sweet and funny. You are a asset to a lot of people's life's and please don't forget that.

As for the things with bosses...they are just stupid idiots..or at least most of them are. When Bill got hurt at work no one called to see how he was doing even when he was in the hospital for 5 days...then they started making up stories and the whole thing was a mess.

As for your wife..I understand what you are saying. I get the same thing from Bill. I know that he would go days without kissing me or telling me he loves me or any affection at all. But..that is the way he was raised too. I see it in his whole family. I guess I would fall over dead if he did any of that stuff. I on the other hand came from a very affectionate family. We hug and kiss and tell each other we love them all the time. That is just the ways of different families. I think that if you might talk to your wife and explain how you are feeling maybe she might be more aware of your needs. It is like I always tell people...I am not a mind reader. I don't know what people need from me if they don't let me know.

Please know that we care and are always here for you....just promise to keep being our Marc......

Marc,
Get out of my shoes....for many years with my support groups and such my husband would say, "don't you get it? people just don't care!", he was right, but did it bother me that they called me in the middle of the night when they thought they were dying and it was really only dumping? no, I allowed that to happend. That was part of the reason thru the years that led to my divorce. but that's another story...

People are too busy Marc to think of anything or anyone esle besides themselves. When we tell people to make sure they take care of #1 themselves some take it a bit far.

A few weeks ago I had my 9 year surgiversary. Not one person said congrats to me except Annette when she saw on Cajun Angels page my answer to her when she said thanks for remember, and I said how could I forget? it was the same day as mine....not one.....so you see, it's not just you.

Does it get better? I don't know....I haven't seen any positive for long time as I am not liked as a person, most have me on block but that's ok, it's their loss. Most only contact me if they have questions about labs or this or that, no one ever asks me how I am as a person....yep, I am a person.....