Alternative Focus
Hello,
My name is Jeani, I had my RNY in July 2003. I'm a little over 6 years out. I started at 388 and now am 128, beginning with a 5X, now in a size 2/4. That's just by way of introduction. Some of you will know me, some of you will not.
I'm here simply to tell you I am experiencing an entirely different focus in relationship to my health / food / body. It has taken a long, long time to get here and there were times when I wondered if I ever would. But I realize I have. And, I don't really know when it happened but it came to me that my entire focus has turned from inside me to outside me. I had no idea just how internally focused I was!! Food was just a symptom, a manifestation of my choice to try to distract me from my spirit, of an underlying, much deeper avoidance of MY OWN truth. I had no clue who or what I was!!
My head was so deeply buried up my own hiney I didn't even know it!! I dressed it up calling it "caring for others"....NOT - it was manipulating them to be what I needed them to be so I could continue being what I thought I was. I made it sound prettier by naming "strong personality"....again, BS. It was self centered to the max. Oh I had all kinds of rationalization and justification for my behaviors that got me to nearly 400 pounds. Whoo boy!! I was good. Yikes!
One thing I know to be true right this minute is that I'm not done, meaning the truth continues to be revealed every day, and as it does the requirement of being 100% honest compels me to continue to admit it to anyone that listens. Since I started this journey here - I felt it appropriate that this be where I speak the truth of my amazement at my creative denial...damn I'm good at that deadly "coping" skill. Telling the truth to ourselves is much harder than telling the truth to others....we are sooo very good at hiding it from our self.
Constant diligence is the price of virtue.
Thanks for being here.
Granola
