OT: How Do I Tell Her?

Mom has been living in an assisted living facility here in town for almost four years.  For the last six months, her dementia has been rapidly gaining ground.  Early this month, she flooded her apt. and the apt. below her was damaged also.  This week, she left the water running again but the staff caught it before any damage was done. 

On Friday we got the call we've been dreading -- the management of the facility wanted us to come in for a meeting to discuss mom's future care.  They feel they can no longer provide mom's care and we have to move her to a higher level of care facility.

We live in a small town and we are probably going to have to move mom to a facility quite a ways away -- about an hour's drive.

To complicate matters, my husband's mother also lives at the assisted living facility. 

I am just heartsick over this.  HOW do I tell mom she has to move?  I am afraid she is going to take this as if it's a punishment and feel less than because Ron's mom gets to stay put.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can approach mom on the subject of the move?
I'd appreciate any input you have.

Cindy P. 

Cindy,

The closest I've ever been to this situation was telling my grandmother she had to move out of her home into a retirement complex.  She was very sharp of mind and took it well. 

Unfortunately for my children, I'm the matriarch of the family now and they'll be making those decisions for me.

I guess the only thing I could say is, revert back to 'tough love'. You have no choices. She may take it better than you think.  You may need to face your fears. 
One can only wish you the very best in this hard decision.

Janet

Thank you, Janet.  You are right.  I'm going to have to put on my big girl panties.  I am scared.  I don't know what's in store for mom (or for us either for that matter). 

This getting old isn't for sissies, is it?

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post.

Cindy P.

I really feel and understand how you feel Cindy.  It is rought having to step in as your Mother's caretaker but, she does depend on you.  I lost my Mom 4 years ago to cancer and there are times I wish I scolded her for smoking when she was suppose to have quit.  Oh, well.  Too late.  Once she gets settled and knows you will not stop visiting her, she will be okay.  She will be like a child at times and need lots of love.  God bless you and your family!

JOY

Joy:

I am sorry your mom is gone.  I guess the end of life process is hard for everyone.  I know it's hard for me -- watching mom's decline.

I am worried about what to say to her.  There are times when she knows she's confused and her brain isn't working right.  There are also times when she is in total denial and thinks she can do all the things she did most of her life. 

I hope I can help her to accept what's ahead and make the best of it. 

Thanks for your input.  I appreciate it a lot.

Cindy P.

Cindy, My heart aches for you. These realities are so tough. You know it's what has to be done but it doesn't make it any easier. Is there a social worker at the facility that can help you? We had one visit us here at home when it was way past time for Mike's dad to not be here. It helped Mike. He felt so guilty but we were to the point where we absolutely could not provide for him in the ways that he needed. Putting this off too long will only make it harder on you.  None of us wants to be in a full care facility but in this day and age many of us will live long enough to have to. Your mom must know what a caring daughter you are (and Ron too). You've had her close by for several years. You ARE a good daughter. You won't have any regrets. May you find peace with the decision that has to be made. Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Karen, we just came from a visit with our mom's.  My mom is angry with the assisted living facility.  She thinks they are inaccurately blaming her for the water damage.  She also thinks it's medication that is making her so confused. 

We were talking about it on the way home and have decided to have someone from the assisted living facility there when we tell her she has to move.  She is in total denial about the flood she caused.  I guess it's a defense mechanism. 

We have tried to do the right things for her. 

Thank you for the good thoughts and kind words.  We know mom has to move.  Now, it's a matter of finding the best place that we can and then telling her.

Cindy P.

Cindy,
I have no advice I can share but just wanted to send you a hug.  I know this must be extremely difficult, I dread the day this stuff happens with my parents.
Sending you loving thoughts, warm hugs, and best wishes.

Ruth

Ruth:

Thanks for the cyber hug and good thoughts and best wishes.  I could really use them right now.

Cindy P.

I'm sorry, Cindy.  I wish I had some useful suggestions but all I can do is send (((hugs))) and best wishes.