OT: How Do I Tell Her?

Irishcoda:  I know it is all for the best and we'll make it through but the transition is going to be tough for everyone.  Thank you for the cyber hugs.

Cindy P.

Cindy...I am so sorry...this is not an easy step to take.My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother.

Hugs....connie d

Hi, Connie:

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers you are sending our way.  My husband and I are stressing about what to do and how to approach mom but I know that we will make it through.  Life can certainly be challenging at times.  But, if we didn't have the challenges, we might not be able to really appreciate the good times.

Cindy P.

Cindy

We had to move my Mother in law from a supervised apartment to an assisted living facility.  Her mind was here and there, but she had stopped being able to do more than the basics for herself.  It was tough.  After it was all accomplished, she confided to me that she was glad the decision had been taken out of her hands.  She had been fearful on her own, and now she knew that there would always be someone nearby to make sure she remembered to eat, and to help her at the times she needed it.  You may be surprised at her response.  

No matter what you have to do, you'll know it has to be.  Stay strong.

Candy 

Candy:  Yeah.  We know that the time has come to seek more care for mom.  It is for the best and we know it.  I'm hoping that we will be surprised by her response!  Ha! 

She has to be scared.  I know it's got to be unnerving to find that your mind is slipping.  When she's aware of it, I can see the sadness in her face.  Growing old isn't for sissies, is it?

Cindy P.

 Help your mom see the move in a positive light.  Like an adventure, something to look forward to.  I can see where the negative situation is hard on everyone but if she feels the move would be fun and enjoyable it would be better for her state of mind.

Emphasize the fun of decorating or fixing up the new place.  Pictures, memorabilia whatever her interests are.  It could be a fearful time, moving and not being in control.  Let her have as much control as she can handle and in other things you need to be in charge.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.   Not an easy situation for most.....  

Millie

Millie:

We will try to put a positive spin on the whole thing.  It will probably go better than my fears about it.  Most of the time, the things I dread are not as bad as I think they will be. 

I think that change is hard for mom these days.  We will do what we can to make it as palatable as possible for her.

Thank  you for responding to my post.  Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Cindy P.

Dementia is a tough thing to deal with.  Sometimes medications can cause more confusion.  How many meds is she on?  Doctors sometimes prescribe a med and then when there are side effects, prescribe something else for that and before you know it, they are on way too many meds.  That said, I would recommend just telling her that she has to move and that you will find her a nice place where they will help her out more during the day.  At a nursing home, she can receive Speech Therapy that can help with her cognitive issues.  Also, there are structured activities that most of the ladies really enjoy.  I know that Bingo is the favorite at our facility.  Just check out any facility you are looking into.  Go to Nursing Home Compare and check out each facility.  It will tell you if they have any deficiencies from their annual state survey.  More than likely she isn't going to like moving.  Change is hard at that age especially if they have dementia.  When checking out a nursing home, look at the residents.  Are they well groomed?  Are there odors in the building?  Glance in the rooms and see if they are neat and clean.  Are the beds made?  Talk to the activity director and see what their activity schedule is like.  Talk to some of the residents you meet in the hall.  Ask them how they like it there.  Is the staff helpful and friendly?  Are the staff neat and clean?  That will tell you a lot.  Hope this helps.  Good luck with your mom and if you have any questions, give me a holler.

Sybul:

Thanks for the tip re Nursing Home Compare.  I will check it out.  As far as I know, our options would be an adult foster care facility (40 minutes away) and a nursing home (here, in town).  The other two possibilities are not open at this time.  I've not dealt with either.  Mom had worked in nursing homes in CA and I think she is weary of them. 

From our perspective, the nursing home would be more convenient for us to take mom to and from doctor/dentist appointments.  Especially, since the dentist that she has to go to is an hour and a half round trip from here.  If she goes to the adult foster care facility, we would have to add another hour and a half to that  That road trip would be grueling for mom.  She has a neck that is totally fused (she broke it in '06) and traveling is hard on her. 

But, then, the adult foster care facility has a better reputation than the nursing home. 

SO, that's our dilemma.  We'll figure it out.

Thanks for the ideas about what to look for.  They are good ones and would apply to any facility we are looking at.

Cindy P.

Hi Cindy!  I went thru this in November/December.  Mother lived for foutr years in an independent retirement community where she had her own apartment..a lovely large one but she chose to make a commitment one day to move down one floor to a bachelorettte..a single room..while I was in Dallas, Teax with my WLS co-horts..I came back and was told that I had to move her the very next day...I was not amused. It was the hottest day of our summer.  However, we did it and she was happy but it came eventually that she was no longer able to even handle THAT small room.  I'd come to see her every other day, and each time, I had to wash her dishes, clean her bathroom and tidy up her room yet again...  then I found out that she wasnt bake to get down to the dining room to eat her 3 meals...her legs were too weak even with her walker..so she wasnt going. 

I said to Mom "Mom, it looks like this is all getting  abit too much for you, isnt it?" and she, much to my complete surprise, responded "yes, it is".

I moved her, atfer alot of hard campaigning with the powers that be, to an assisted living facility.  At first she was very confused, and in retrospect, must have been very depressed the past few months.  However, within three days of moving, Mother made a complete turn around and she was smiling and laughing again!

Now she has the assistance that she needs...helping her shower/bathe, cleaning her room, washing her clothes, mealtime and I just couldnt be there every day.  Before it took me eleven minutes to get to her place..now it takes me 45 minutes but Id visited/toured six different places before I requested BELLA, where she is, and Im VERY pleased with the facility and staff so the longer driving time is worth it to me.

I dont get there as often (especially in bad winter weather) but at least once a week and I do call her everyday.  She is very happy there and enjoys her meals again too.

At first I felt guilty but when I saw her change back into a happy lady, I felt so much better...sometimes its harder on US than our loved ones.

*hugs*

Nancy B