dealing with depression - need some advice

I have been on and off meds for over 20 years and decided in January that I needed to know what my mind/body would do without meds.  I have come to understand that we all have sad and down times that are normal due to situations.  I am no expert and this is just my experience I am sharing.  What I write is not advice by any means!!!! 

My belief is that my depression was brought about by things that occurred in my life.  Then exacerabated by allergies, more "trauma," the seasons(seasonal affect), and things I came in contact with by choice (foods.)  I believe insulin resistance, PCOS, carb intolerance, hypoglycemia, are all intertwined. Try reading some stuff by Gary Null if you are interested in allergies and sensitivities.  I chose to address the food sensitivites, and try eat less garbage(eating clean as some would say and little sugar and so on.)  It seems like it has been an ongoing war until I stopped taking the meds and got sober(my own choice of words for this process.)  I started seeing a therapist and began practicing mindfulness.  Let me emphasize that I have taken minute steps in learning and practicing mindfulness but even these basic steps have helped me.  I decided to embrace the good and bad feelings and situations.  It seems that for me, simply  acknowledging them helps me move on.  I do not give myself a hard time.  PERIOD!  I glory in my accomplishiments and as one earlier post referred to the knitting 2 inches, well that is right on!!!!
 
I just had the conversation last night with a family member that I have "let myself go down those roads" in my mind in  times past and the result has been ugly.  I do believe I have choices that greatly affect my mindset and thus depression.  Trust me, I still have a hard time concentrating and lack motivation but it helps me not to focus on it but simply own it.  It took me over 6 months to have a session with my therapist when I was actually vulnerable and let some stuff out.  She didn't say anything magic...  But just releasing it helped immensely.

I am not a doctor or therapist.  I have struggled with this since I was in middle school and I began minor self mutilation stuff like punching walls and a few cuts.  I have been down in that ugly dark lonely pitch black hole of depression and worthlessness.  I have struggled to gain control but I can say that I have always chosen to keep plugging along.  And recently I decided to try someting different.  We are all different and what has helped me may not do a thing for you.  If one small thing has helped you then taking this time has been darn well worth it.  I will leave you with this...I have spent years working with emotionally disturbed kids and now pretty much the same as I am a case manager at a close custody male prison.  And my caseload is inmates on maximum control or long term segregation due to violent and aggressive behavior.  Most of us in this world have been hurt....  We have to address the pain, acknowledge our feelings and take responsibility for our world.  Some of us need different means to make that happen.  Keep your head up and your eyes forward.  Claim your stake in your life and keep pushing ahead.  I believe we all struggle for a reason and it makes us better stronger people.  Maybe you need to give yourself some kind words regularly, maybe you need to take a baseball bat to an inanimate object or throw rocks... I have no idea but I do know you have to believe and keep moving forward even if it is more of a shuffle than a step.  Read, research, think, ponder, and do not be so scared that you won't try something.  I told my partner to have me committed on more than one occassion if things got out of hand.  That is very scary for me but my gut told me I had to try.

I hope you find peace and strength through all of this.  Feel free to PM me or just keep it moving...  Either way I wish you power and motivation through all of this, each and every day!!!

Zan

Kelly, I think we pretty well know each other's stories through our PM's. I'm SO sorry you are struggling so mightily right now. I am too, but not to your degree at the moment. If you still have my phone number and want to talk, please do call. Or PM me and I will give it again.

Or PM if you just want to vent some more. Wish I had an answer, but from hard experience I'm starting to wonder if there always is one myself.

Take care.

Hi Kelly, I just wanted to let you know how much you are respected and appreciated on this board. I know, from past experience, that it doesn't matter how many nice things people say, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't help, but I just wanted to say it again.

I have suffered from debilitating depression since I was, at least, 5. My earliest memories from childhood are not having good times or remembering the fun I used to have. I remember all the anxiety, crying for hours in the middle of the night and my mother not knowing how to help me. The truth was, nothing anyone could have done would help me.

I went from a depressed, self deprecating child, to a pre-teen hopeless suicidal mess. I would sit in my room upstairs in the pitch black, with only my stereo and my thoughts. Which were usually of how worthless I was and what a piece of **** I was. I was a suicidal, self mutilating mess. My mother did not know "what was wrong with me" and I was not medicated until I was 17 yrs old. I was put on Prozac, as was the fashion back then.

It did help me get through high school. But, it wasn't long before that quit working. That has been the case for the last 15 years now. I have been on, pretty much, every drug imaginable, for a time in my life. It sounds like you and I have that in common. I have been in inpatient treatment at least 18 times, all to no avail. It's just the same 'ol **** groups, that if aren't new at the game, and your depression is real, do not help. IMO, they are a joke.

I've been through so many therapists it's ridiculous. Everybody trying out different kinds of therapy. The favorite seems to cognative therapy, to try to get my "voices" to stop echoing the self hate and degradation in my head. No pill, combo of pills, or therapist can tell me not realize the obvious truth about myself. Anyway, I know how hopeless it feels to be med resistant. Our depression is not in our heads, it's inbedded in our souls and I don't think that anyone can separate me from that.

I won't sit here and tell you i know how you feel. No one knows how you feel. Depression that is alive and well in your soul is as different for each person as fingerprints. I only know how I can relate to what you're going through. I was deeply optimistic that the ECT would help you. I commend you for taking the chance, as I have not yet, even though it has been recommended. It's also been recommended that I go to a "retreat" for a few months to try and have Dr's and therapists in my face all day. I haven't quite resigned to that one either.

Again, I really appreciate all the knowledge you share with me/us. I know just from your posts that you are an incredibly strong woman to have already survived what you have been through. Take care.   
                                                  Anni

Cognitive therapy never seems to work for me.  And it seems to be the favorite form of therapy these days.  Blah.

Thanks for your support.  I'm sorry that you understand what it's like.  It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I hate for anyone else to go through this.

Kelly,

I want you to know that I care about you very much and wish I could offer more than words to tell you how special you are to me.  {{hugs}} 

Lori