Parents say the darndest things (long)

  My parent came to visit yesterday.  I love my parents.. I do, but they spent my ENTIRE LIFE telling me that I was too fat (even when I was only like a size 8).  I have an aunt (my mother's little sister) that is only 4 years older than I am.  Her name is Rhonda.  Rhonda was a state champion figure skater, a runway model and is now a police officer.  I have spent my whole life hearing about how much thinner Rhonda is.  (When she started modeling school, my mother took me to see if she could get me in.  They said I needed to lose 10 more pounds before they would accept me.  I have never heard the end of it).    Hang with me a moment longer, this is leading somewhere, I promise. 
  So, yesterday when they came I was very careful to dress in my most flattering outfit.  I changed clothes like 3 times before they got here.  I am down to a size four. 
  They get here and the first thing they do is tell me that I look too thin.  I look sick.  I look anorexic.  WHAT?!?  I very patiently explain that I think that I am not too thin.  My BMI is like 24.9... the highest possible in "normal" range for my height.  I explain that maybe they see me that way because I have always been heavy and they aren't used to seeing me thinner.   (Sort of like a weird body dysmorphia from an outside perspective.. the same way that I still see the fat girl in the mirror).  They then tell me that I should talk to Rhonda, because she can help me with my diet.  (I have seen Rhonda recently.. she's pushing 170 and having a hard time keeping up with the physical fitness requirements for her job).  I tell them (nicely) that Rhonda is having her own problems with weight and they tell me that it's ok, because her's is all muscle.  I asked them how much they thought I weighed.  The answer:  "I don't know... 100 lbs?".  I tell them that I weigh 147.  (This is the HIGHEST end of my weight swing, and right now I am only 144, but I was feeling defensive).  I had to step on the scale to prove it because they didn't believe me.
  Then, they dragged me out food shopping.  They wanted to make sure I had something in the house to eat.  (Presumably because I am starving to death.) 
  I swear .. I can't win.  *sigh*

 If you can't win, don't try; sometimes it's not worth the effort. Sounds like it's time to set some boundaries - your weight is your business. Maybe that can be an "off-limits" topic?

Well, hopefully I'm going to be a WLS Mom soon -- DD is hoping to get her date soon.  Good reminder for me.

Obviously they care about you.  Free groceries are cool.  They're probably just not used to seeing you this thin, with time they'll accept that you're happy the way you are. 

I'm sorry! I think you hit the nail on the head about how people see us so much smaller because we use to be so large. I keep hearing words like "skinny" and "tiny" which is absolutely not an accurate description of me at 5'8 and 173lbs (8lbs above the highest for 'normal' BMI). I just look 'skinny' to some people because they use to know me at fat. Just like, I'm not sure I'd ever see myself as skinny, even if I were because I've never ever been at a normal weight and size I was happy with.

ok sorry I have to jump on this post...because I can so relate!  Hope this doesn't come across as too preachy and take it with a grain of salt bc it's just my take on it and what the heck do I know!!?? 

Yes it's ok to set boundaries -your parents may not like it but that's ok too.   A therapist told me this years ago and I have NEVER forgotten it.

Why is it ok for you to have to keep quiet when they feel free to critique you & what you are doing to make a better life for yourself?  It's a two way street.  They probably do it 1)because they love you and they think they are helping or 2) because they know they can get away with it because this is the interaction you have had with them for ever.  Just talk about it when you are calm and prepared for it.  You don't have to disrespect your parents but it is ok to disagree with them and to tell them how it makes you feel when they say these things.

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  I grew up with a mother who was SO self conscious and obsessed with her own weight (her heaviest has prob been 160 lbs!!) which of course she passed along to me & my sister.  I was the heavier one so most of that was focused on me.  Even in adolescence I had a lot of pressure to lose weight and always felt like my mom was critical/ashamed/embarrassed of me and that I wasn't "good enough" like I was.     Anyway fast forward to gaining tons of weight in college, losing weight, gaining it all back , losing again & gaining back + some- now here I am!  43 yrs old & just had RNY.  And guess who was the most hesitant for me to have RNY?  Yes!  My mom. 

I couldn't believe it-I figured she would be the one who was most in favor of me having WLS.    Still not sure why but probably bc she was fearful for me to have the surgery and any complications.  And yes I love my mom -she is a wonder ful person but in this area we have always had this conflict between us.

Take what your parents said and let it go.......it's THEIR issue to deal with not yours.  Sounds to me like you are doing GREAT!  and if you dr feels you are at a healthy weight then you are all good.

I think you and I should lock ourselves in a room together and compare "Parental Notes".

My mom had WLS four or five years ago, same procedure I had - the things that come out of her mouth regarding my weight loss are completely offensive. I spent a good 4-6 weeks this summer not speaking to her or my brother because they have absolutely no consideration for boundaries.

Yeah.. sometimes the things that come out of my mother's mouth really chaps my ass.  Last time I saw them, I was just fitting into a 6.  I met with them and my middle two daughters for coffee.  My two (BEAUTIFUL) middle girls are 19 and 21.  They are always battling that last 10 lbs, but they are not obese.  Despite my best efforts,  my battle with weight has made them very concsious of their own weight.  I was always very careful to do my best to avoid giving them any weight related complex.   The first thing my mother does when she sees me is to say to my 19 year old, "Wow.. look how much thinner your is than you are."  Then procedes to give a speech about how weird it must be for them to be so much "bigger" than I am. 

I could have smacked her. 

My 21 year old jumped in before I had a chance to say anything with "Grandma, couldn't you have just said that Mom looks good instead of saying it like that?  Mom DOES look good, but we don't look bad."

Guess I CAN win once in a while.  I'm so glad my girls have self esteem.

I hear you loud and clear, Punkmime!

I grew up hearing, "Only fat girls have TWO slices of toast for breakfast."  My dad has been obssessed with my husband's, my, and my son's weight for years.  He's said some incredibly hurtful things, thinking that "humor" would get the message across.  We finally told our son to never, ever divulge his weight to his grandfather--who asks him several times in a vist how much my son weighs.
I, too, love my parents very much but they have a strong prejudice against overweight people. 

The idea of honoring your parents is a very strong concept with me.  Still, I think there comes a time when you have to do what you know is right for you.  I'm sure they are concerned about you and are comparing your thinness now to what they are accustomed to seeing. Just my opinion:  I think your weight (in numbers) should be info that is off limits to them.  You have a primary care physician and a surgeon and you and I are seeing doctors probably more often in our lives right now than we have before.  Your parents should find it reassuring that you are being closely monitored and cared for by the medical community.  If they are so eager to help you, ask them for a gym membership or exercise equipment.  Then, you'll build up muscle...like Rhonda!  LOL

 Sometimes people speak without thought... especially people who are close to us.  I would draw a line in the sand and warn them to be mindful next time they speak.  

Some parents are competitive with their children because of their own lack of self esteem. I sure know my mother was- she had to be the thinnest and most beautiful one. All three of my sisters plus me have eating disorders as a result, only they have anorexia and I have compulsive eating.

My father's last words to me before he died were "Admit it, you're just plain fat."

Nothing like great support! And I'm sure if they could see me now at 119 lbs and a size 2, they would have something charming to say.

I just learned to ignore them re: my weight. And pay attention to the supportive and loving people in my life.

Good for your daughter!!!