i have been feeling..

 i feel grosser now than i did pre-op, not necessarily fatter but gross is the best word i can think to describe it lol. sometimes i think i look thin in profile in a mirror, and my face/neck/shoulders definitely look thin. but my stomach just hangs, i know it's mostly skin with some residual fat, but it bothers me a lot. my arms look huge to me. and my legs were always thinner and muscular, but now there is skin on the top of my thighs and it grosses me out. i won't wear shorts because of it, or a bathing suit without a skirt on it. 

I'm about 4 months out from my second surgery and although I still see a fat body in the mirror, I can also see glimpses of what I looked like 30 years ago when I weighed 150 and thought I was fat. It's really that little saboteur that lives in all of us that does a (please excuse the language) mind **** to mess with us, trip us up and make us feel like crap.

My therapist told me a story about a former patient of hers who was a successful businesswoman yet was obese. She decided if she could be successful in her work, she could lose weight. And she did. She was feeling so good about herself until one day, a man whistled at her. It sent her into a tailspin and she started to gain her weight back. The moral to this story is that she hadn't done the emotional work that caused her to overeat, or at least still had a lot to do. I am an emotional eater and like so many, have a lot of deep scars from abuse and neglect. I am working on looking at my surgery as a tool to give me the physical restraint I need and work on the emotional issues. I also realize that this is a life long commitment. It is what it is and I am committed to being healthy inside and out. This doesn't mean I won't fall flat on my face a few times, but I don't want to look at it as a complete failure. For example, I use to be a smoker and after about 3 or 4 attempts to quit, I realized I needed to because of my health. So I gave myself permission to carry a pack with me at all times and if I got desparate, I would allow myself to have one. This wouldn't mean that I started smoking again, but that I just allowed myself an indulgence. I carried that pack with me for abut 6 months and never once smoked one. I'm not that good when it comes to allowing myself a food indulgence, but it's okay as long as I dont do it all the time and only in small amounts. However, at times I need to pull in the reins just to remind that nasty little saboteur who is the boss. Those are usually the times I need to look internally and see what's going on emotionally.

all of these comments really do put things in perspective for me,i have about a month to go before i see the dr's for a followup chck up then it will for once a year for the next 4 after that. I am gratefull fo for this support here, just when it feel like i dont have anyone who understand this, there you guys are ^_^ ((big hugs!!))(thanks again)