A struggle (of sorts) with WLS "evangelism"...

For the purposes of this post, I will keep it in the first-person, though I suspect that many of us "struggle" with the same.

Now that I am well on my journey to a healthier me as a result of WLS (though, it will never end as the destination will never be reached), I can't help but notice others (in the grocery store, at the filling station, Home Depot, etc.) who are clearly MO and since I am not all that far removed from the time that I was in the same condition (though now, obviously, trending in a more positive direction), I have to resist the urge to reach out to any given such individual in an effort to help (at least in my mind, my intention is to help). I also know how I would have likely responded to such were I on the receiving end and it is the naked display of such arrogance that keeps me in check.

The following questions occur to me whenever this happens:

Do I really think that he doesn't know?

Do I really think that he doesn't realize what the long-term prospects are without making significant changes?

Do I really think that he doesn't realize just how unhappy/miserable he likely is in other aspects of his life?

Do I really think that he wouldn't choose be healthier if he could?

How do I know that he isn't already in a program similar to mine and is doing all that is needed to have WLS?

I have to think back to the number of times that I joined WW, enrolled in JC, went on Nutri-System, tried Seattle Sutton Healthy Eating, resolved to walk or exercise every day only to fail at some point and become so bitterly frustrated and disappointed with the results or lack thereof for all the effort I was making....

I believe that I can relate because of where I've been...but none of it gives me the right to intrude into the life of someone I don't know just because I've been fortunate enough to take advantage of the opportunity now afforded me as a result of WLS...

I really have to check myself lest I find myself looking down my nose at another without knowing their story (or even if I do know)...I don't want to be that guy, but I really would like to be instrumental in helping someone who may need and want any encouragement that I may be able to provide...

This may subside the longer I've been on my journey, but this is something I'm wrestling with at this juncture....

An aside for background purposes:
This is a particularly sensitive topic for me as I spent several years in a "church" that exhibited more and more cult-like behaviours among the members especially when it came to "reaching out to the lost" (read as anyone who was not a disciple of Christ as defined by the church's worldwide central organization).

The emphasis on such "reaching out" or evangelistic activity was truly unbelievable and it was not unlike the most cut-throat, high-pressure sales jobs that I've had at various points in my professional life...quotas for cold contacts, completion of bible study series' meetings with sector leaders to assess the prospective member's value to furthering the cause and whether or not he was "sharp" (of good reputation within his profession, neighbourhood, larger community) and would be generous with his financial support that would culminate in a baptism.

If you weren't productive in this manner, it wasn't long before your heart for Christ was called into question and your very salvation was in doubt...if it continued, you could find yourself disfellowshipped (their term for ex-communication) and you could only re-join if you demonstrated true remorse for failing your brothers and sisters and especially the leadership for your poor commitment...

Such judgement and arrogance is truly breath-taking. My wife and I both got out and have been free of such organized religion now for years and are better off for having gotten out when we did. The good part is that it prompted me to examine just what I believed and why and that is for a private conversation if anyone is interested...I'll be happy to share what I've learned but will not make any attempt to persuade you that I am "right."

This is not something I struggle with often, but once in a while I do see someone that is morbidly obese and I feel sorry for them and wonder why they don't have WLS, and I think briefly about taking them aside and telling them "the answer" that I've discovered.

I don't do it, for the reasons you've mentioned here.  If it was a close friend or family member, I might gently suggest it.  But someone I don't know very well?  No way.

Unless someone is severely mentally retarded, in which case they would not be able to understand what I was trying to tell them anyway, they know if they are overweight and they have heard about all the bad things that can happen if they remain overweight.  They do not need me to point that out to them.

If he is unhappy, he knows he is unhappy.  And if he is not unhappy, it's sure not my place to tell him he should be!  He probably would choose to be healthier if he could, but if he does not want to make that choice, well, it's his choice.  Not mine.

Not only might he already be in a program, what if he already had WLS?  Maybe he had surgery three months ago and has already lost 50 pounds?  Or maybe he is dieting and exercising and has lost 50 pounds already?

And I think, what if he would love to have WLS but his insurance won't pay for it and he can't afford it?  Or what if he has some sort of medical problem that would make surgery too dangerous?  Or what if he doesn't want to have surgery because someone close to him had WLS and died?

There are a million possibilities and I have no way to know what's going on in that person's life.  Now, if the person says to me, 'Hey, you've lost a lot of weight!" I might say, "Yep, I had gastric bypass surgery!"  In which case he could ask me for more info if he wants it.  But I try not to give unsolicited advice, especially to people I don't know well.

Thank you, poet_kelly!

Excellent points all around!

Although I do not struggle with this to the extent that you do, there have been a couple of times that I have seen someone who was SMO -- a category I was easily in 5 years ago with a pre-op BMI of 57 (and that was based on my highest recorded weight) -- and felt the urge to tell that person how much having the surgery has changed the quality of my life. Each time, what I noticed about the person other than the obvious size aspect was that they were struggling just to walk.

What has kept me from ever saying anything -- other than the fact that, no matter how pure the intention, it is just plain rude to approach a complete stranger about their weight -- is knowing that this person may not have the option of WLS (if they have no insurance, their insurance does not cover it, and/or self-pay is simply an impossibility), may not yet be at a point where they are psychologically ready to commit to the needed life changes, and that, as a counselor, I have worked with people who were MO or SMO (usually the latter) who truly were not interested in actively doing anything about their weight.  It was not because they LIKED being so heavy, but because the weight was a protective psychological barrier that they were too frightened to give up, because they just did not want to invest any effort whatsoever in what they were sure would be another weight loss failure (paralyzed by fear of failure, or, in one case that I believe was a fairly rare occurrence, just plain too lazy to put forth any effort), and/or because they gained something by maintaining the extreme excess weight (their need for assistance kept a family member in the household instead of living independently, kept a spouse from leaving, or maintained their disability income). 

Lora

Astounding, really....

In my head, I know that there are those who, for whatever reason, choose to remain in their current state but for the life of me (pardon the expression) I just can't comprehend it...

I tried everything under the sun when I was in the 18 - 22 bracket and NOTHING worked. Not starvation, not deprivation. Nothing helped. I gave up. I couldn't lose weight no matter how hard I tried. Weight loss surgery was not an option, I had no health insurance! 

I used to kick myself over my obesity, which to me equated with UGLY.... and I would bemoan my fate to be ugly for the rest of my life. But then I herniated a disk in my back, and for a time I couldn't walk As I made progress and moved on to a walker, then a cane, and ultimately walking without any aid (I was a college student, so I was not old!) I had what to me was the "grand epiphany".... that compared with the ability to walk, being "fat and ugly" (as I characterized myself) was really not that big of a deal.

I moved on mentally from a place of self-loathing to a place of self-acceptance. I truly enjoyed the place I inhabited from that point on. Mentally I had no desire to change because I accepted and loved myself just as I was. To me the inability to accept who I was (by dieting and crying over the person I could never be) was beyond me. I had grown to accept myself, love myself, and knew I was just going to be a morbidly obese woman who was just fine with who she was.

It was only when the comorbidities of obesity became cumbersome that I began to feel as though change was essential. Not because I didn't love and accept myself for who I was, but because my health was starting to decline. I sleep on my side, and I would wake in the night with my arm in agony from having the blood flow restricted. GERD, caused only by my immense weight, was destroying my voice. My blood pressure was above teh normal range and rising (for the longest of times, even MO, it was below normal and I took meds to keep it in the right range)... then I lost 25 lbs due to a chronic ear infection that sapped my appetite, and I pondered out loud to my sister about whether I should try to lose weight seriously. I didn't want to go to that mental place again, that place of self-loathing, but I was aware that my weight needed to be dealt with.

So I know what it is like to be fully content in myself, in my weight. As a thin person now, I don't ever want to go back there. Because I don't want the chronic pain I didn't even know I was feeling, the lack of "hygeinic reach" if you can imagine, and the opportunity, if I'm lucky, of having a longer fuller life.

I saw a report that said every 1 out of 5 adults were obese.  I now find myself looking at people everywhere I go and silenty testing the numbers.  Sure enough it is 1 out of 5 if not higher.   I worry about any family member or friend that is SMO.  I have very few family members as such but a lot of friends.  Some are really watching how I do and asking questions.  Thus I am thankful that my journey has been an easy one thus far even though I am not dropping the pounds as fast as some of you are doing.  I'm okay with my personal journey as I am doing what I am suppose to do so have no guilt or regrets.  It will happen when it is meant to happen.  I did try to talk one of my best friends into taking this journey with me but she told me that she loves dining out and eating as she does so is not interested in eating small quantities of selected foods the rest of her life.  I love her as she is and that is all I can do but I don't see how she can survive much longer.  As far as religion, I am glad that I've never been in that kind of religion.  I love my faith community.  They are my extended family and I'd hate to be without them.

 This struggle is one of the reasons I decided to be open about WLS. although I will not approach people (for all the reasons you mentioned above) if someone approaches me (as they did yesterday for example) complementing me on my weight loss, I will tell them how I've been doing it. This woman then asked if I would be willing to discuss more details with her. I now have an appointment to meet her for coffee. I guess, for those who know me, I will be an advertisement of sorts (hopefully positive). If they are interested in the product they will ask. 

I try remind myself, when I meet with this friend, not to be preachy. She needs to consider this journey from her life perspective , with her healthy, goals and expectations, NOT MINE. 

Good food for thought (pun intended :)

Andrea. 

Although I do not feel the need to preach to anyone about wls, I totally understand where you are coming from. When I see somebody who could benefit from this surgery, it makes me feel so sad that they either don't know about it, or aren't able to have it for whatever reason .

However, that being said, my road has been bump free. No complications. The surgery is truly frightening for alot of people. Staying obese can seem very comforting in the light of all of the complications that can and do come. So I understand peoples reluctance. The only reason I had very little fear is because I put all of it on God. I felt zero responsibility for how things turned out, because I had given it over. Does that make sense?

Wow. Tangent, much? Sorry.

I have been extremely open about my wls. To the point of showing people my scars if they wanted to see them, because they were afraid of the incisions. I have described in detail all of the life and food changes. But the biggest proof is my life. Happiness, health, running, chasing my kids...my life is proof that this surgery works.

Your aside withstanding, in cir****tances such as you highlight, I practice self-interest and self-centeredness and, yes, self-absorbtion. I can control no one's action but my own. Ergo, I cannot care a fig (nor a newton) what other people chose to do or not about their own obesity. My life, my thoughts, my actions have to revolve around me. I am the center of my own universe regarding weight management. Yes, that is egotistical and very narcissistic of me, but it's how I must act when one in five present as obese.

Would I prefer to be the Mother Theresa, St. Francis of Assisi, Mahatma Ghandi of weight loss, sure, who wouldn't? But to preserve my mental and physical health, I chose to focus my energies on my plight, my action and my health and longevity. It's hard enough to "save" myself, let alone anyone else.

But I applaud anyone who sets aside egotism and self-absorption to help others, altruistically or otherwise, whether it is regarding obesity or hunger or famine. It's just not something I can to do at this point in my journey.