OT - relationship stuff - I need some advice

Last night my partner of almost nine years tells me he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.

OK, so I am reeling.  I am not completely surprised.  I have known there were some things "off" in our relationship for a while but whenever I tried to talk about it to him, he assured me nothing was wrong.  He assured me of that last night.  And then, a short time later, admitted that there actually was something wrong.

On top of everything else, I am angry because now he is saying he has felt this way for a long time but didn't want to tell me.  He wanted to make himself feel differently.  He was afraid to speak the truth.  Whatever.  the bottom line is, he lied to me.  He told me he felt things he didn't feel.  Unless he's lying now.  How am I supposed to know what to believe?

He knows that I have major trust issues.  So he knows that lying to me is about the worst thing anyone could possibly do.

Now he's saying he still loves me, just doesn't want to be in an intimate relationship with me, wants to be friends still, blah blah.  He says he doesn't want me to move out right now.  I don't know if he's telling me the truth about that or not.  How am I supposed to know when he's lying?  I don't want to move out right now, not right away, if for no other reason because I don't have the money to move.  But I don't want to be here if he doesn't want me to be here.  And I don't know how to tell if he really wants me to stay or if he really wants me to leave.

He said something last night about feeling like he'd become more like a "caretaker" for me.  And I understand that.  The last 18 months have been really bad for me.  Between my severe depression and my severe back pain, I've needed a lot of help with things.  And I don't have any family or friends anywhere near me now.  So he's had to do a lot.  And he's never complained about it.

But I don't want him to feel like my caretaker.  So I need to be a lot more independent, somehow.  I have this appointment tomorrow for the radiofrequency neurotomy procedure for my back.  He arranged to take the day off work to take me because I cannot drive myself home afterward.  I told him I would reschedule that appointment and make arrangements for someone else to take me.  I have no idea who.  He just started a new job and if there was someone else to take me, I would not have asked him to take the day off work.  But I'm sure I can work out something.  Some how.

He told me he didn't want me to reschedule it.  That he wants to take me.  He wants to help me.  Kept saying he wanted to take me to the appointment.  I don't know if I believe him.  I don't know if I should reschedule it.  Or if I should take his word for it that he wants to take me.  Any advice about that?  If I'm going to cancel, I have to call first thing in the morning.  If I don't give 24 hours notice, I will be charged something for the missed appointment.

Um... any other advice?  I don't even know what else I want to ask advice about.  My head feels like it's going to explode.

Wow, Kelly. I'm sorry. ((HUGS))

I would definitely not reschedule and I would have him take you to your appointment. He is still your partner and is still willing to take you and he has a bit of responsibitly to you and his commitment to taking you to the appointment. These kinds of appointments (and the relief it can provide from your pain) do not come around all the time. You need to follow through with it and so does he.

Regarding the big picture... I am not sure if I have any advice or insight into that. I will say that I don't think "lying" is necessarloy where he was going when he said it was ok but it was not. I imagine HE is struggling with how he is feelingabout YOUR struggling. It sounds like you realize that your depression and physical ailments are taking their toll  on him as well as you. And thatis understandable. Men are often just really bad a figuring out WHAT they are feeling, WHY they are feeling it, HOW to discuss it and WHAT to do about it. It sounds like he was not sure what he was feeling and was honestly trying NOT to feel it. And, to be honest, if he doesn't want you to go right now, this may simply be HIS way of reaching out for change in the hopes that you two can solve it. I don't know either of you well (him not at all) so I could be WAY off. But perhaps some of this applies somewhere or may help you sort what has just happened and how you feel about it.

I know you are hurting. I'm sorry. ((more hugs))

 I am so sorry. This is tough. Go with him to your appmt, he owes you that courtesy as he could have waited until after to talk to you about this, selfish man. You have a right to be upset and angry, it's intensely painful, but keep calm, think out the strategy that makes the most sense for you.  You are a brave, intelligent person, I wish I had some inspirational advise for you like you have often had for me and others, but I don't all I can give is a cyber hug and prayers to you.

Man, that sucks.  I would take him at his word, although his word undoubtedly isn't very reliable, and let him take you to your appointment.  Given his history I would make it clear that since he is known for saying things he doesn't mean you are forced to take him at face value and believe what he tells you so if he really doesn't want to do something he better not say he does.  After nine years he does have some responsibility towards you and making sure you are alright, if not legally certainly morally.  
Is there anyway you can relocate somewhere where you have more support, maybe closer to your family?  I don't know what your relationship is with your family but it would be nice if they could be there for you during this time.  Of course those things aren't always possible but if you have close friends perhaps where you grew up that you could move closer to that may give you the support you are going to need during this trying time.
This is why I haven't wanted to get married again or even live with another man for a long time.  As hard as it is being on my own it would be worse to depend on someone who isn't dependable.  My boyfriend is the best guy in the world and truly the only person I could ever trust to be there for me and I would never want to be dependent on  him.  As much as it would break my heart if he ever wanted to break up with me at least it wouldn't change my life any.  I would still live in the same place and I wouldn't have to make any major changes in my life.  I have had to rebuild my life too many times because of relationships and I am too damn old to go through that again.  I have rebuilt my life for the last time, God willing.  I don't know if my boyfriend would do very well living with my issues on a full time basis and I'm not sure I could live with his, either, but on a part time basis we do fine.  Less then a year and I will no longer be the parent of a minor child.  It's taken 30 years to say that.  It'll be just me and the animals and unless they learn how to talk I should have a peaceful life.

Relocated to be near my family is certainly a possibility, and a likely one.  It just won't happen immediately.  Financially it's not feasible right now.  I'm not sure how it would be for at least a couple of months.

I understand what you mean.  I do not want to rebuild my life again, either.

Kelly,

I am soo soo sorry. I don't have any relationship advice.  But I think you should let him take you to your appointment.  I think he's already decided he'd do it in his mind. For him it might be a closure thing..Again I am sorry and wish I could offer you more.  You will be in my thoughts.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I had a similar experience in January of this year.  It tore me apart.  I went to counselling, I joined Al-Anon, I read some books.  I dated other men and never told my boyfriend about that.  I spent hours on the phone with my girlfriends crying and analyzing every word he said and every action that he took. I cried and argued with him.  He accused me of smothering him.  I learned a lot about myself.

Our relationship survived but on a totally different level.  Thankfully I have my own home and he has his and we were not living together. I can tell you this.  Men want to see their woman as happy, smiling and having fun.  They want to be little boys at play.  This grownup stuff is not what they want.

Recently we were watching a TV show and there was a comedian talking about how men treat a relationship like a car and women treat a relationship like a garden.   Men buy a car or start a relationship and then believe it should not need any attention for at least five years.  Women treat a relationship like a garden, always wanting to improve things, change things, make things better by constant work and attention.  Men would rather trade up than work on the relationship.

I told him that I wish I could just trade in my body for one that is not so apt to break down.  I completely broke up twice and both times went back.  I stopped revolving my life around him.  I now accept him for what he is.  I decided that I am not going to change what he has been all of his life.   I accept the time that we spend together.  He steps up to the plate when he has to, but he does not like being in the role of a caregiver.  I no longer work on the relationship. 

We met at a time when we both needed to have someone in our lives and we were both strong and healthy.  During the last year, we both have had health issues.  That takes a real toll on the relationship.  He tells me things will get better and he does not want me to find another boyfriend.  I want him, but no longer need him.  It is sad, but liberating to me.

Some books that helped me are: 

He's Not That Into You
Codependant No More
The Five Love Languages
Women Who Love Too Much
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

I believe that these things happen for a reason.  In my case I took off the blinders that made believe that everything was great.  Now I know that there are problems and that it is up to me how I deal with them and how much they affect my life.

 This sounds very realistic and a rational perspective for a non-traditional (outside of marriage) relationship.  The comparison of men and their cars and women and their gardens is very accurate.  The necessity of having to care for someone would be a terrible strain if you aren't ready for a marriage committment.  It really is indicative of how deep your love is.  It is best to face this honestly as you seem to have done.

Gosh Kelly...I'm so sorry...that's so hard to hear especially when you're having physical and emotional issues. Even though you don't want to, let him help you with your appointment today. Feeling better is important and this may help. I agree with the other posts about him not intentionally or actually lying. Sometimes it takes time to figure out what we feel and it can be confusing. I don't think that he was being malicious, just human and unsure of his feelings since he cares for you. That said, I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I know there isn't much to say when your heart is breaking. Just know that there are lots of people who will be thinking about you and sending you positive and supportive thoughts. Big virtual (((hug))). We may not be with you in real time but we're here if you need a shoulder. I hope the morning and your appointment bring some relief to you. Take care.

I am so very sorry you are going through this Kelly. Sometimes Men suck and don't realize how important it is to us for them to just be upfront and honest and not hide things. I also agree, let him take you to this appointment. It is a very important one for you and would be beneficial to your health in the long run.

In Marriage that is where the "For Better and For Worse" comes in. Sometimes our partners become our caregivers and sometimes we are theirs. His love is conditional is all I can think of at this time and you so deserve much more than that.

Is there a spare room you can move into while you sort out your thoughts and feelings?  Financially that may be best as you consider all your options and still have conversations with him on the issues.

I'm understand about not having family close by as I do not have any either.
I will keep you in my prayers and hope things work out the best possible way for you.