4 years out, regurgitating, SEVERELY off track,

I had RNY 4 years ago. I was EXTREMELY strict 6 mos prior (lost 50lbs), and for about 2 years after. Surgery day I was 299, my lowest weight was 198, I'm about 222 now, but it feels like 282!

I'm reverting back to old habits (have been for quite some time) I binge eat, I eat crap, I'm not kidding, I go to the convenience store a block away in the middle of the night and buy: 2 zebra cakes, 2 swiss cake rolls, bag of chips, reeses PB cup and a bottle of choc milk, I usually eat about half this when I get home and the other half in the am.

I've done this for months and that was just about ALL I was eating aside from a burger now and then.

Not only is this horribly expensive, it's obviously unhealthy. I almost always vomit it up, however to be more exact it's more like regurgitating, I usually end up feeling so stuffed, I nearly MAKE myself vomit.

This is getting ridiculous.

I feel like I have an eating disorder, only there is no name for it, it's not anorexia, it's not bulimia (probably most accurate but not quite).

I generally will get nearly obsessed with eating the exact same thing for weeks in a row, which is why I can list exactly what I bought at the store.

Good news, I haven't bought that crap for at least a week or so.

It's all or nothing with me, I either refuse to eat ****il I'm starving) or I binge. I keep myself under control.

I'm sick of food in general, I don't want to make decisions, I don't want to cook, NOTHING sounds good, I just wish I could be fed with a tube and that be the end of it.

I had my labs checked recently, everything is fine, aside from low iron, which has been chronic for me since surgery.

I was in intensive therapy about a year prior to surgery and a year after. I was (am) absolutely terrified of screwing up and gaining too much weight, I was down to a size 14 jean, have about 10 pairs in my closet I can't wear now.

I'm on antidepressants, have been for years, I recently have changed some things around, stopped 2 meds, added a different one. I've been seeing the same psychiatrist for about a year.

I've had HUGE life changes, moved half way across the US, got a masters degree and started a new career.

I KNOW what I NEED to do, I just don't WANT to do it.

Know, need, want

I don't FEEL like it. I told my therapist that once and she said, "so what if you dont' feel like it, do it anyway"

I hate food, I hate eating, I am down-right literally AFRAID of the grocery store, so much so that I won't go, i have a "house-helper" that buys groceries and cooks for me and cleans my house.

I dont' need this person, I'm just lazy, I dont' have children, I live alone, I do work about 50 hours a week, but that's not that unusual for most adults.

I'm acting like a child and I truly need a kick in the *SS.

 

Well, it certainly sounds like you're kicking yourself enough already. You know what you're doing wrong and you've taken the first step, which is to stop buying the junk food. If you have a helper, have them cook you protien first meals only. Go back to basics. Measure your food (or have your helper measure it for you.) you're lucky in the sense that you have someone there to do it for you. I gotta do all my own cooking and my husband. Take advantage if that. You can do this!

It's called compulsive eating disorder. it is an eating disorder and you need to get your butt into a nutritionist, your surgeon and most importantly a therapist.

I hate to be rough on you, but I got really mad reading this post. I couldn't even finish reading it. once I saw that you know what you need to do but just don't want to.....grrr...

if you don't want to change, why are you posting for help? And why did you get surgery? Contact a therapist and your surgical team ASAP and get your butt back in the game.

Just saw you're in therapy. like I said, I didn't read the whole thing. try a life coach. being lazy isn't a good excuse.

I'm not going to enumerate the things you need to do because you know them. What I am going to suggest is you question why you are engaging in self destructive behavior. There seems to be a lot of self loathing in your life. You are doing things you know are harmful. You seem to almost be rebelling against yourself. Because that is the only one you are hurting with your behavior. You know that, right?

This is really something to address with your therapist. Have her/him help you with strategies that work for you. We can tell you a million and one things, but you will have to find what works for you.

I also notice a lot of negative self talk. Are you hopping on the I-deserve-to-be-fat train? You also touch on the subject of control, as if you are either in control or out of it, no middle ground.

Please bring all these things up with your therapist. If he/she doesn't work for you, find another.

this is definately an emotional problem. Food addictions are very very severe, I think that by posting on here you have "outed" yourself. you need to be held responsible and on here you are. I think it was a really great first step. Like the lady above me said. you know what you need to do to get healthy and get back on track, now you can start. no excuses no apologies just do it. good luck:)

I don't think you need a kick in the ass, I think you need a 2 x 4 upside the head! While I can read what you are writing, I can't empathize and even begin to understand where you are at. You are squandering the gift you wanted at one time and you paid for. But hey, that's your choice. You're the adult and apparently a smart, well educated woman. You do what you do, you are going to reap the consequences. It's that simple.

Only advice I've got is maybe your too damn smart for your own good, right? You don't listen to people who you are paying to help you (therapist, etc), you're not listening to yourself, you are on a downward spiral intent on whatever goal you've subconsiously set for yourself. And it's a damn shame! Tragic actually.

It's up to you, do it or don't. Get help or don't. Find the guts to challenge yourself to not become a statistic, or don't. But presenting that you know what you are doing and aren't going to change unless someone kicks you in the ass isn't going to work either. No one can give you the impetus to do it; it HAS to come from within. I'd do some major soul searching and choose your path and be happy with whatever decision you make. Make your own path, choose your own destiny and know that you are the sum of your choices. Good or bad, right or wrong, healthy or self-harming....

My opinion only. And everyone knows what opinions are, right? They're just like ******** we all have them, and some of them stink mine included....

I'm going to say what my therapist told me: baby steps.

If you're an all-or-nothing kind of person, it's hard to grasp that you can do something well even if you're not doing everything well. I completely understand how you're feeling and how you are stuck right now. One way out is to use one small step as the thin end of the wedge, just to give yourself some traction. What that first step is, is up to you: it might be drinking more water, or eating protein first--before eating junk; it might be retraining your household helper to provide the meals you need. It might be taking an exercise class or a specialized nutrition class, perhaps an approach you haven't tried yet (and even if you already know the material, a refresher can be motivating!) or finding a support group. Just one thing...an easy thing...an identifiable, measurable, doable thing.

Eating disorders are mysterious, baffling, cunning, and powerful. Yet one baby step has the power to break their hold over you.

My last suggestion is not to do the whole recovery every day. Just do this minute of recovery during this minute.

Oh, my really last point is that, according to brain research, the prefrontal cortex--the bit that governs our self-control, that lets us do what is good for us instead of what we feel like doing--physically gains strength with use, and it doesn't take all that long to effect a change in its operation. Yeah, the lizard brain is still there, craving and acting out, but your prefrontal cortex will eventually overpower it most of the time.

Good luck, and never give up, never surrender.

 

I don't think we need to kick you; you know what you need to do and it's time to Just Do It!.  Only you can make these changes, we can offer suggestions and encourage you.

How often are you seeing your therapist?  Have you thought about journaling to see what causes you to binge, is it stress, boredom, what emotion?  You may also want to consider a program like Weigh****chers that gives you some direction and accountability.  I strongly encourage you to work through his, making yourself vomit because of overeating will bring on additional issues sooner rather than later.

Good luck!

You said you WERE in therapy before surgery and for a whole afterward, and that you still see a psychiatrist, but are you seeing a therapist (or is your psychiatrist one of the rare ones who actually does counseling)?  The way I read your post, it sounds like you are not currently doing any counseling.  If you are not, you need to start again ASAP.  You can SEE the road you are heading down, yet you don't care (or don't care about that road MORE than you care about the chips, chocolate, and snack cakes).  That's a problem you will not solve on your own.  If you ARE currently in counseling, I would suggest that you consider finding someone new who may be better able to help you than the person you are seeing now.  You cannot do this on your own.

You don't have to have a specific DSM named eating disorder.  There is a category for Eating Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified) that covers the type of "disordered eating" that you are doing.  I don't think a kick in the ass is going to help, and I'm not at all sure that telling you that you know what you need to do and you should "just do it" is going to work, either.  As a counselor, I really think you need to address the root cause(s) of the problem.  You have gone through LOTS of changes since surgery and those things (some or all of them) may be contributing to the problem.

I hope you are able to gain some control.  You have gone for a week so far without the junk food.  Please try to keep it up.

Lora