My marriage is over

I am so devastated. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have two small kids. We have always gotten along great and I thought the marriage was great until he dropped a bomb on me over the weekend. He told me that since I had surgery, I have become self-centered.  He also pointed out that he feels I no longer need him. He was always the breadwinner but since surgery, I have had major advances in my career that has now allowed me to make a substantial amount of money as well.  I can admit that I work longer hours and talk a lot about my excitement for where my career is going but I don't talk alot about my weight loss.  He has been doing more around the house and with the kids because of my schedule but I did the exact same thing for him when he was in graduate school and starting on his career path.  I swear I don't think I've changed but apparently he sees something that I do not. He said he feels the marriage is over and he hasn't been happy for quite some time. I can't imagine life without him and I can't believe we have come to this. He is such a great guy, fit and successful and I don't want to lose him:(

I'm so sorry. :( I went through this exact thing back in 2002 - and I'm going to be 100% honest with you; we do change.

We change because we're happier, we change because we're more mobile, we change because we're able to do more for ourselves, we change because we're able to go forward. That's really hard on our spouses, and I'm not going to lie, I'm VERY concerned about that this time around (I'm a revision). 

When I'm at this weight (340lbs), my husband does a LOT for me. Not because I ask him, necessarily, but because he likes to, and knows that it helps me. IE: Getting me a drink, taking the dogs out, doing the majority of the housework. He's a stay at home dad - I work outside of the home. I know that after my surgery, this dynamic is going to change; it has no choice but to. And I'm very aware that it's going to affect our relationship, because whenever one person changes, everything changes.

Do you think you can sit with him and talk it all out? Explain to him that you don't want your marriage to end, etc.? 

(((((HUGE HUGS))))) to you - I'm so sorry. :( 

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time, but I don't think it's fair that your husband blames the problems on the weight loss surgery.  You had the surgery so you would have a better quality of life to spend with your family, am I right?  It sounds like he's feeling insecure about your progress and doesn't know how else to express his feelings other than to blame you.  

You did change.  You lost weight and gained self confidence.  He could feel like you "no longer need him" and intimadated by your success.  I think he's copping out and using your surgery as an easy excuse.

This of course is just my two cents.  I truly hope everything works out for the best.  

Best wishes ♥

Please forgive my bluntness, but that is the perfect excuse!!  What a cop out... Look deeper, there is more to this story.... trust me, been there, done that......  Trust your gut.... GOOD LUCK !!

Bingo! 

And another thing, You are beautiful !!  Congrats on your success so far......

I tend to agree with AlohaJen, there is more to this story.  Could there be another woman? 

It's not over till the fat lady sings - ask him to try counseling and work thru the issues - it can't be just the weight loss.  Maybe his self esteem is lower as you are contributing so much to the household in terms of career, maybe he feels you don't need him and maybe he is concerned about you getting attention from other men.  Whatever it is, he needs to know how much he matters to you and that you are willing to do anything to save your marriage, but communication is key.  I wish you all the best.

First off, I'm sorry you are going through this.  WLS does cause divorces sometimes, usually there was something missing in the marriage before but not always.

Secondly,

You probably have changed some.....more self confident, advancing in your career (threat to hubby), more active, healthy and you are being checked out by others (threat to hubby)

Thirdly,

Your husband is using the self-centered comment as a cop-out (probably).  He HAS the problem, not you.  He IS probably feeling all the confidence and good things happening in YOUR life as a threat to him.  And as was stated before, it IS possible he is being unfaithful so instead of stepping up like a real man he IS looking at ways to make it YOUR fault.

Can you save your marriage?  It's possible if you can get him to sit down and talk and seek couples therapy.

BTDT however my marriage didn't end until 5 years after my surgery.  It wasn't just the surgery that caused our problems, he was also an alcoholic and had NO drive to be successful.  I was always the family breadwinner.  Fault goes both ways in that I was tired of being the one to do EVERYTHING, make EVERY decision, etc.

If you would like to talk, feel free to PM me.

((((Hugs))))

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.  It's a tough thing indeed.

People become very comfortable with the status quo and weight loss surgery shakes things up.  The balance of power can change completely and peoples' roles can completely reverse.  A wife might find herself with a husband who is suddenly hit on by other women and she has to deal with those feelings.  A man might find himself no longer the bread winner.  Maybe one spouse really was settling for the other and now they don't have to.

It's enormously complex and not every relationship survives.  I'm not making excuses or judging anyone's relationship; however, I think there's great value in being very honest even if that flies in the face of common fairy tale narrative of true love and "real marriages" that we are fed.

I wish you the best.