Family crisis, massive mess

I haven't been on for a while bc my stupid computer is broken and I can't figure out how to get oh on my phone. 

My dad had a stroke this week.  He is a brilliant man, well known mathematician.  It is excruciating to see him incapacitated.  He is okay physically but has expressive aphasia, he can't find words.  He has been a functioning alcoholic for 45 years.  He has been in total denial about this though he now says that maybe he sometimes drinks too much.  so some movement there but still immense denial.  He is married to this horrible ridiculous narcissistic woman who lacks any discernible higher level thinking skills.  You can only imagine the mess all that made my childhood so I have my own **** related to them.  But now she is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of offering appropriate support to him.  The hospital he was in did no discharge planning, I am shocked by how bad they were.  they just told him to get some speech therapy. 

So I am doing what I can.  But it is IMMENSELY stressful for me to navigate the 8000 layers of mess all this brings up. 

So here is the thing, yesterday I found myself turning to food.  I ate all sorts of ****  I can not do that.  this crisis is likely to go on for a very long time.  I can not let my own health go to **** over this.  My father's addiction has taken so much from him.  I can not allow my own struggles with food to take what sanity and health I have fought for.  I have to do something different.  For myself and my own children. 

I am leaving in a bit to go down there.  Here is my plan:  I am taking my husband's computer so I can access OH.  I am going to find an Al Anon meeting and go every day.  I am going to exercise every day in some form.  I am going to eat foods that bring me health and happiness and if I blow it I am going to be gentle with myself and just get back on track.  And I am going to remember that I can't save my father from his choices or his wife from hers.  This is not my mess to fix.  I can offer what I can but the two of them have dug this hole and all I can do is send down a ladder and some suggestions but ultimately they will have to figure out how to climb out. 

You have a perfect plan Louise! Its hard to see others we live suffer but there is not one single thing you can do about their choices. You can only handle and change your choices. Take it one little choice at a time and keep your dream for a healthy you in front of you at all times. I'll be praying for you all too. Keep us posted and if needed hop on here to vent.

Hi hun, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds like you have a terrific plan. You're absolutely right, they've dug their hole, and it is not your responsibility to save them. It is only your responsibility to follow your conscious as far as you need to. We are here for you anytime. Blessings to you and your family! ;)

Prayers for you and your father. I think your plan is wonderful.

I'll just add this... remember that when someone does for someone they tend to let them whether they are capable of doing for themselves or not so every so often take a step back and let them rise to the occasion (or do without.) We are often fixers, people pleasers and just do for people at our detriment... saying here are the tools, now you need to do it yourself is OK. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is walk away.

In this difficult situation you seem to haave found your inner strength. Sometimes when things look the worst, it makes us evaluate what is going on. It looks like you have a beautiful plan in place. I think it's wonderful you plan on going to Al-non. It's good to have real support in the flesh and blood. Best wishes and good luck.

I have the audible version of the book Codependent No More and listen to a chapter or two when I find myself wanting to rush into a situation and rescue people.  Alcoholics are masters at getting others to take responsibility for their bad choices and to get others to do the things that they need to do for themselves.  Going to Al Anon is smartest thing you can do to keep from sabotaging yourself while you help them.

I had an alcoholic parent (mother) so I grasp some of which you speak.  I am an emotion eater and have to find ways to not turn to food, it hasn't been easy, but it's worth it.  I think you have an excellent plan mapped out for yourself. 

Good luck to your health and your family's

Hugs and prayers.  Your doing great in a hard situation.

At this point, all you can do is send down the ladder and suggestions, without destroying yourself in the process.  You sound like a very strong person. You've thought of yourself and your immediate family first, as it should be.  Bless your heart. 

You sound like you have a great plan of action. Like the previous poster said having in person support will be important. When you get there and in a group my suggestion is to get in the middle and let others know what is going on. They are there to offer great experience, strength, hope, and support. I wish you the best.

One thing I have learned from being in a program of recovery is that I cannot make others change but I can only control and be responsible for my reactions to situations. Making amends to others and myself is not fun. I used to think that I had to learn how to set boundaries with other people but really I needed to set those boundaries with myself. The boundaries are for me and about what I will and will not put up with. Although it is more difficult with family I am sure you will get through this really tough time with the plan of action you have.

I wish you the best and I send good juju your way.

Mo