Scared of Me!!
My husband and I have been a heated discussion this morning. I just don't know if I can trust myself to follow "the plan". I know what a big part food has played in my life (our life). I'm not stupid. This is a tool - NOT a solution! I have to work it and it has got to be a new lifestyle. We are still waiting for approval from our insurance. But, until then, I have so many questions, concerns, I'm sure a lot of misconceptions of this whole thing. I want my life back. But, will I TAKE my life back when it comes time to step up and work the plan! I terrified of the thought of this becoming just another "failure" I can add to my list. I know that's not healthy. But, right now I'm asking all the questions. Please share your post op struggles with me. I need to know right now that this is a normal part of preparing for the new life ahead for me.
I had (and have) many of the same concerns. I am five months post op. Yes, this is a tool but initially you won't have a choice but to follow the plan or you will get sick (dumping, pain, vomiting). I have heard some say they don't experience this but I think that is rare (I may be wrong). Long term as your body adjusts I think there is more danger of undoing what you have achieved. However, by then, I hope to have had a lot of practice adhering to the plan, making good choices and learning how to cope in tempting food situations. I live alone so when I shop my only goal is to get out of the store with only those things on my list so once home, I will have less temptations. I do miss eating certain things or when I am in a social setting it is hard to look at food I can't eat but I am now 171 (down from 257) which I haven't seen for a LONG time and am wearing XL instead of 4XL. I remind myself why I chose this path and that this craving/yearning will pass. I have a knee issue and can now walk up and down steps like other do instead of one step at a time. I am going to be 60 in February and was feeling so OLD!! and 60 is not old.
For me, I know that checking in with support groups (like this one) and asking for help when needed will be crucial for me forever. I work with someone who lost 125 pounds with lap band and to be able to talk to her and get her support is invaluable.
You didn't say what the discussion with your husband was about. Is he for the surgery? It will be important that he supports you and doesn't sabotage you. I think there are a lot of fears from family members about who you will become, if family celebrations will look the same (so many traditions evolve around food), if you will still do the things you enjoy doing together (ie: going out to eat, going to the movies with popcorn, etc.). If he doesn't support you then that is tough but this is your decision and your health.
My son is a sous chef and said to me (respectfully) that he felt that I was taking the "easy way" out. This is not easy. I suspect that he was insecure as he has often cooked for me - it was one piece of out relationship that we could share - but when I went to visit him in New York we went to the restaurant where he works to eat and had a good time. I think that helped prove to him that we can still share time with each other over a good meal.
I am relatively new so I think others may be able to offer some perspectives that I do not yet have. This is a very hard and important decision. Good luck!
SHARON
Thank you Sharon. As a matter of fact, my husband and I have made the decision to have the surgery at the same time. He too struggles with weight and has struggled all of his life. We were discussing how much food has been in our lives, individually and as a couple. Food was our entertainment, our comfort, our means of sharing something we both have in common. We love to eat. The discussion became more involved when I asked him why he loves cooking for people. His answer scared me. He said that he enjoys knowing that his food comforts others and that they enjoy something he created. He's an excellent cook! That answer scared me because it was then I realized what role food had played in his life. I realized what a large role food played even in our dating life. I love this man so much. But, I know by experience that we have both been guilty of sabotaging each others efforts at past weight loss efforts. I want him to promise me that he won't do that to me again. Of course, he can't do that and I shouldn't ask that of him. Am I just trying to talk myself out of this? Am I trying to make excuses? I look at the before and after pictures and I'm so excited at the prospect of what I have ahead of me. I want more than anything to take this trip with him by my side. It's going to take a whole new level of trust for us both. I realize that now. "For better or worse; in sickness and health...
It sounds like you love each other very much. To be healthy and have a long life together is the ultimate goal. I think it is great he likes to cook. He will be able to try new bariatric recipes and figure out healthy options for your favorite meals. I brought turkey meatballs to a family gathering and everyone was raving about them (first item gone) but I hadn't told anyone before hand that they were turkey as folks in my family are pretty traditional when it comes to food (ie: meatballs are made with beef).They were pleasantly surprised. Post op will be challenging but it doesn't mean the things you love and share won't exist. It will just be different. I have heard over and over about recipes that are sugar free, low fat, etc, that are wonderful. To introduce your friends and loved ones to healthier food options can be joyous and fun! He can still cook for others and offer them comfort. You can both still entertain and maybe there will be new discoveries of things you can share and enjoy together. You are wise to look carefully about what it will mean to your lives both together and individually. It is a serious decision and you want to be prepared as much as possible. Good luck!
SHARON
THe best thing I did was 6 month of pre op counseling and nutritional training. This is sooooo not the easy way out. It's hard. I am now 12 years post op. I still get sick if I eat something rich. My tool still works great. I now eat to live. Fair warning relationships can be challenged after this surgery. I have no regrets and would do it again in a heartbeat. Good luck
I would strongly suggest getting into counseling even before surgery, because there is a HUGE psychological (and, for very many of us, emotional) component to the journey. Having a professional who can help you look at the behavioral, mental, and emotional components that contributed to your obesity, who can help you find ways to deal with these, can help provide tangible suggestions for the challenges of changing your life, and who can support you along the way can make a BIG difference in how difficult the journey is and how successful you will be long term.
Some people have trauma issues that contributed to their weight, but moat people just need help changing the way they look at (and use) food, and changing their thinking and behaviors.
Probably the most common things that people struggle with postop is breaking the habit of using food for emotional comfort, stress relief, etc.. That was definitely the hardest part for me... Figuring out how ELSE to respond to negative emotions and stress without using food. Even 7+ years out, I sometimes still struggle not to look for the ice cream or a cookie when things aren't going well.
Lora
14 years out; 190 pounds lost, 165 pound loss maintained
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.
I just wanted to reinforce the great advice that you have gotten here -- to establish a good relationship with a counselor before surgery. Indeed, you may want to find someone (perhaps a different person) for couple's counseling, too. The reason I suggest that is because not only will you be dealing with your relationship with food and your spouse's relationship with food, but also your relationship with each other and its relationship with food. You both may have completely different things to work through -- and the time post surgery has to be somewhat selfish while you learn the new skills to be successful.
For me, my counselor has been an amazing tool in the process. She has helped me to fully recognize how I was using food, how I viewed food and to find more productive coping devices. At first I was seeing her once a week. I only see her once a month now.
My husband is a naturally thin person who is also very fit. We've been together for more than 18 years and he is definitely my soul mate. Still, the dramatic changes in the last year have been a stress. Stress is both good and bad. The good parts certainly outweigh the negative -- but my husband has told me he sometimes feels a little insecure now. He feels more jealous sometimes. Sometimes he misses me pigging out with him. Our marriage is so strong that we talk all these things out -- but, I can see if there had been underlying issues before surgery, that perhaps things could be a lot more difficult. I am not implying that you have underlying issues -- but it's something to keep in mind. The divorce rate after bariatric surgery is pretty high.
It seems to me that your concerns reflect someone who is likely to be successful. You are taking a thoughtful approach and researching and learning rather than just leaping. I wish you and your husband the healthy lives you both deserve together.
It was the best decision I ever made -- my husband and family are complete in agreement.
"What you eat in private, you wear in public." --- Kat
