Mirrors, and reflections of all types.....
I have double wardrobe closets in the bedroom, all mirrored. I guess I have, over the years, "trained" myself not to look in them. Because this week, I caught a glimpse of myself in the restroom mirror at work, as I was hurrying out; and stopped dead in my tracks.
Whose body was that ? It was dressed in the new "skinny" clothes I know I bought; but "IS THAT what I look like ?" "Is this the ME that people now see ?" and then a few minutes later, "where did my big butt go ?" and it really put me on quite a different thought process this week.
Yes, I've lost a total of 110 pounds in just over a year -- some of it pre-op, and the rest post-op.....and a year IS a long time, but my HEAD -- my BRAIN has totally NOT caught up with the rest of me yet. Yes, I actually bought clothes 12 sizes smaller from a 28 women to a 16 ladies.....
I'm a therapist. I know all about body dysmorphic disorder, and on a cognitive level, I get it. But when I think on it......did I really SEE myself as huge as I do now, looking back at photos ? And when did my brain STOP registering what others see when they look at me ?
I decided today on one of those visits to the rest room at work, that I am assigning myself homework. (and since I'm on a my body refuses to lose weight right now...this week anyway....) I might as well take the time I would be mad at not losing weight this week, and put the energy into REALLY LOOKING at myself. Not just the critical " oh look at those bat wings" -- but looking at the changes and trying to see who I have become, and who I may be in the future....
Just some thoughts on weight loss this evening....and decided to share....anyone else having this kind of issue ?
Whose body was that ? It was dressed in the new "skinny" clothes I know I bought; but "IS THAT what I look like ?" "Is this the ME that people now see ?" and then a few minutes later, "where did my big butt go ?" and it really put me on quite a different thought process this week.
Yes, I've lost a total of 110 pounds in just over a year -- some of it pre-op, and the rest post-op.....and a year IS a long time, but my HEAD -- my BRAIN has totally NOT caught up with the rest of me yet. Yes, I actually bought clothes 12 sizes smaller from a 28 women to a 16 ladies.....
I'm a therapist. I know all about body dysmorphic disorder, and on a cognitive level, I get it. But when I think on it......did I really SEE myself as huge as I do now, looking back at photos ? And when did my brain STOP registering what others see when they look at me ?
I decided today on one of those visits to the rest room at work, that I am assigning myself homework. (and since I'm on a my body refuses to lose weight right now...this week anyway....) I might as well take the time I would be mad at not losing weight this week, and put the energy into REALLY LOOKING at myself. Not just the critical " oh look at those bat wings" -- but looking at the changes and trying to see who I have become, and who I may be in the future....
Just some thoughts on weight loss this evening....and decided to share....anyone else having this kind of issue ?
Briar Rose 
High Wt 300 lbs. Pre-op Wt loss 34 lbs.
High Wt 300 lbs. Pre-op Wt loss 34 lbs. 
A toast to your WONDERFUL results! Haven't been on in awhile, and your post was the first one I saw when I logged in...excited for you! Best wishes, Viv 
I very much understand it. I lost about 100lbs in a years time when I was 21-22, I'm 38 now. I went on to lose an additional 50 over the next year. I noted this at about the 100lb mark.. I would catch myself "turning" to fit between chairs and declining to do certain things as I still believed I couldn't physically do them because of weight I no longer carried (except for in my mind).
My mental image was never accurate. I always saw myself as smaller than the truth when I was large, and when I lost the weight, I was still stuck somewhere in-between.. I realized I needed to re-learn my dimensions. I started working on it with mirrors and movement, dancing or stretching. It helped me realize my proportions, and shape.. And oddly enough, as I was re-gaining, the mirrors went away.
.. need to find some mirrors again.
My mental image was never accurate. I always saw myself as smaller than the truth when I was large, and when I lost the weight, I was still stuck somewhere in-between.. I realized I needed to re-learn my dimensions. I started working on it with mirrors and movement, dancing or stretching. It helped me realize my proportions, and shape.. And oddly enough, as I was re-gaining, the mirrors went away.
.. need to find some mirrors again.
At my largest weight I always new I was big but believed I wasn't that big. Now I look at pictures of myself and I can not believe how much of a denial I was in. I was huge!
Although I see some amazing changes I still find myself focusing on the bad in the mirror. I still see a huge stomach, big butt and bat wings. I try to remind myself how far I come but I can not help focus on the bad areas. It's very hard.
Although I see some amazing changes I still find myself focusing on the bad in the mirror. I still see a huge stomach, big butt and bat wings. I try to remind myself how far I come but I can not help focus on the bad areas. It's very hard.
I notice similar observations as Danease-- I always thought "damn girl, you look GOOD!" when I'd check myself out in the mirror before... now I know better.
At this point, I can sometimes see how much smaller I am than before, but sometimes I still just see all the jiggle and dimples and wonder if I really do look all that different.
It's mostly the comments from people at work (I have literally hundreds of coworkers as well as patients) who keep me in check and help me to come to terms with the idea that I really am changing and looking much healthier.
At this point, I can sometimes see how much smaller I am than before, but sometimes I still just see all the jiggle and dimples and wonder if I really do look all that different.
It's mostly the comments from people at work (I have literally hundreds of coworkers as well as patients) who keep me in check and help me to come to terms with the idea that I really am changing and looking much healthier.
~~Emily~~
What you are talking about is exactly why I always, when folks fuss that people are jealous of them and not mentioning their weight loss, is that for SO LONG I stopped *seeing* me - and I just seemed to extend my well-honed skill to others, it had nothing to do with being jealous or catty, but everything to do with a self-preservation skill that oozed from just me, to everyone.
A something that has helped me to see me, how I am, is that in my office I have a door to my back and left. I have a mirror set up so without turning my head, while I am still looking at my screen, I can see through the mirror if the dogs are at the door behind me. I also have a big mirror set up so that I could pay attention to my form when I was doing yoga on the front side of my desk.
The benefit of this is, when I get up from my desk to leave the room, I see my reflection (whether I LOOK at it or not) in the mirror that is for the dogs at the door, and when I enter the room, I see my reflection (whether I LOOK at it or not) in the form paying attention mirror. This has helped me to not be surprised with the body that I catch a glimpse of when I walk past windows or mirrors and has been helpful to me, I believe, so that I am not some place in my body and someplace else in my mind.
Also, for me, when my urge is to fuss at my funny tadpole belly, or my thigh pockety padding, I say OUT LOUD..
GOOD JOB BRANNI!! I AM PROUD ON YOU!
And I mean it. Whether I did or not at first, I *really* do now, and so now, even when my *urge* is towards self-defeating thought behavior, my out loud and proud words are louder than those ugly whispery destructive words.
I am proud on you! Yes! Look at what a good job you HAVE DONE! I am proud on you!!
A something that has helped me to see me, how I am, is that in my office I have a door to my back and left. I have a mirror set up so without turning my head, while I am still looking at my screen, I can see through the mirror if the dogs are at the door behind me. I also have a big mirror set up so that I could pay attention to my form when I was doing yoga on the front side of my desk.
The benefit of this is, when I get up from my desk to leave the room, I see my reflection (whether I LOOK at it or not) in the mirror that is for the dogs at the door, and when I enter the room, I see my reflection (whether I LOOK at it or not) in the form paying attention mirror. This has helped me to not be surprised with the body that I catch a glimpse of when I walk past windows or mirrors and has been helpful to me, I believe, so that I am not some place in my body and someplace else in my mind.
Also, for me, when my urge is to fuss at my funny tadpole belly, or my thigh pockety padding, I say OUT LOUD..
GOOD JOB BRANNI!! I AM PROUD ON YOU!
And I mean it. Whether I did or not at first, I *really* do now, and so now, even when my *urge* is towards self-defeating thought behavior, my out loud and proud words are louder than those ugly whispery destructive words.
I am proud on you! Yes! Look at what a good job you HAVE DONE! I am proud on you!!
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