Very OT: Husband Yelling at Kids, Need Advice (loong)

Sorry this is so off topic, but I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends in real life about this.  I hope someone here can give me perspective.

It's 3 :40 am and I can't sleep because I'm so upset about how my husband has been treating our children.  We have a 1 1/2 year old and  3 year old.   They are both sweet, smart, adorable, amazing children (and, yeah, I'm biased!)    After I had my surgery, my husband had to help more with taking care of the kids.  I'm still not supposed to be lifting them, so he still helps much more than before surgery even though I'm almost 4 weeks out now.

I've noticed my husband just has a really really short temper.  I've noticed it a bit more in this last year, but in the last four weeks as I've observed him with the children more it seems to have gone to another level.  The three year old spills milk and he (my husband) literally screams at him.  Yeah, both kids test boundaries - and, yeah, it can be exhausting. But none of it is more than what is normal and expected for their ages.

Well, tonight... it was kind of a "last straw" moment for me, but  I don't know what to do about it.  My husband was taking our 3 year old to bed.  They hadn't been upstairs for more than 5 minutes when I see my husband taking our son back downstairs and putting him on he couch.  My son was crying loudly.  So I come out immediately to see what was going on.  My husband is just shaking with anger - kind of scary.  He couldn't even say anything and so I told him that I'd take care of things and asked him to just step away.  He did.  Then I am consoling our 3-year-old and my little boy said something that has been haunting me all night.  He kept saying "I'm terrible!  I'm terrible!" as he cried.  It just breaks my heart into a million pieces.  I reassured him that he isn't terrible, and that he is loved and wonderful, etc.   I did try to understand what exactly happened, but my son wasn't really being specific, just saying that daddy was mad and that he (my son) was terrible.

Eventually everyone calmed down.  My husband and our son hugged and my son finally went to bed, seeming to have forgotten about all the drama.   Of course, I haven't.

When I ask my husband about it, he just said that our son refused to lay in bed and go to sleep.  He said that he asked our son to do one thing, and our son would do the opposite.  (All of it sounded like typical delay tactics from a 3-year-old that doesn't want to go to bed.  Nothing worth freaking out over.)  I asked why he thought our son was calling himself terrible.  My husband said he has no idea, he didn't say anything like that to him.

Later, I worked up the courage to tell my husband that he really needs to get his temper in check before he does something he regrets, or damages his relationship with his kids.    He just starred at me blankly.  When I asked him what he thought about what I just said, he responded with "I'm just wondering why my eyes are so dry."  WTF??  I let it go, but seriously was thinking W.T.FFFFFFFF???

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for.  I just feel kind of alone with this right now and it feels good to get it off my chest.  He isn't at all acting like the man I thought I married.  I always saw him as so patient and gentle.    But he isn't at all patient with our kids.  I brought this issue up once with my mom (I tried to be vague, though, because I don't want to screw up the relationship between my mom and my husband) and she just said that men aren't very good with young kids and not to worry about it.

What would you do?  Am I being overly protective/overly sensitive about this?  I am hormonal.  And, I have been accused of being a bit overly protective of my kids before - but at 1 1/2 and 3 they are just babies!  They need protecting - and if I don't do it, who will.

I definitely plan to limit the time my husband has alone with the kids.  If he has both kids at the same time, he is usually screaming within 5-10 minutes.  He just can't handle them.  I've asked our babysitter to come by and help next week - the last week I'm on lift restrictions.

This whole experience has just been so eye opening.  What happened to my calm and patient husband who never raised his voice?? 

Thanks for letting me vent here. I'm just so heartbroken over how upset my boy was tonight.  I am open to any advice.

Sorry to hear the about the problems your having. First and foremost, if you feel at all your husband could reach the point of totally losing it and doing harm to you or the children you must leave for your own safety. Secondly, the surgery may have made him insecure in your relationship. Is he overweight? Can there possibly be problems at work causing stress and pressure you are unaware of? It's hard to help other than to offer advice. But please make sure you and the little ones are safe, then deal with DH. Maybe counseling or family intervention could help him understand the cliff he is on and bring him back too you. Good luck.

Umm.....yeah.  I am a father and I can tell you that it is NOT good for children to be told they are terrible by the #1 male influence in their life.  That type of stuff sticks.

He needs to get it under control.  It seems he is under a lot of stress....but aren't we all.  He needs to step up.  Real men don't act like that.

I do commend him for at least bringing his son back downstairs and leaving when you asked him too.  Every parent loses their cool from time to time.....its the fact that you said this is an ongoing thing that is pretty worrisome.

I don't really have any advice because you seem to get it and know its a problem.  I also don't know what kind of guy he is most of the time.  Would he be receptive to counseling?  Does he still have parents around that could talk to him about it.  I think a lot of people adapt their parenting style to how their parents raised them....so maybe if his dad/mom told him that he was f'in up it might sink in more.  

I hope you can fix it soon.  Kids need boundaries and discipline but telling them they are terrible or yelling at them for trivial things just erodes their self confidence and their relationship with their dad.

Thanks for your responses.  It looks like sleep just isn't going to happen for me tonight, so it was comforting to at least get to "talk it out" a bit here. 

To answer your questions...

Is he overweight?
He could probably lose 10 lbs on his belly, but I don't think anyone would describe him as overweight.

Can there possibly be problems at work causing stress and pressure you are unaware of?
His work load is actually really light right now.  He's self-employed and winter is almost never busy for him.

I also don't know what kind of guy he is most of the time. 
Usually, when it's just him and me he is pretty great.  He makes me laugh and we enjoy each other's company.   He does sometimes get short with me - he can be unexpectedly set off by something.  But I don't think this is to an unusual degree.

But with the kids, he just has zero patience.  Everything they do seems to set him off.  The 1 1/2 year old drops a few cheerios on the floor, and you'd think she had committed the ultimate sin with the way he over-reacts.  It scares me, and I know it scares the kids.   I've tried telling him (gently and carefully, after the children are out of sight and he has calmed down) that screaming at every little thing is not only bad for the kids but also very counterproductive.  I mean, what would he do if they actually did something that warranted some yelling?  

Would he be receptive to counseling? 
I highly doubt this.  I'd be open to going to counseling myself to try to learn some good coping strategies and ways I can maybe help him.  But I really doubt he'd ever go to counseling.

Does he still have parents around that could talk to him about it. 
Both his parents are passed, unfortunately.   He has a sister, but we only see her a few times a year.


My kids are really good kids, they are!  But my husband says they just push his buttons.  Honestly, my husband hasn't had a lot of stress in his life - at least not this kind of stress.  He's never had a lot of demands placed on him, and I think with having two kids at this age ...  maybe it is just too much for him.  I mean, they are so little they BOTH require full attention all day (and sometimes a good part of then night!)  Up until we had kids, my husband had never been "tested" before.  So I guess it's easy to seem like a laid back mellow guy when your life is extremely low stress. 

For a 3-year-old to say "I'm terrible."  That's just beyond heartbreaking.  My husband insists that he never told our son that he was terrible.  But what my husband clearly fails to understand is that all this screaming and rough-handling is broadcasting that message loud and clear! 

This cannot continue.  I refuse to let this continue.  I just don't know what that means yet or what I'm going to do.   Maybe my husband just needs to get away and clear his head for a little bit?

For now, I do have some extra help coming in this week so that I don't need to rely on him to help with the kids.  Hopefully I can get together a game plan, because this just absolutely unfair to the kids to tip-toe around this issue any longer. 


ETA:  I should clarify that "rough-handling" comment I made.  My husband has never hit the kids nor has he ever hit me.  He does get a bit rough, I think, in terms of pulling the kids around by their arms, or for example sometimes using too much force (in my opinion) in laying them back in bed if they get out.   He's never technically been physically abusive, but the hair-trigger temper combined with knowing that he sometimes uses too much force just makes me really worry that someday he's going to lose track of himself and really hurt one of us.  It's probably an unlikely scenario, though, and more just an unfounded fear.   If he ever physically hurt the kids, I'd take them both and leave the same day... no doubt in my mind.

I am sorry you are going through this, especially while trying to heal! I am a mom of six children and when they were toddlers life was stressful for me and my husband. Sometimes patience was short on both our ends. It sound as if your husband is stressed out. Being stressed is still not an excuse to yell and I believe that it is important that the two of you get some alone time to explore what may be bothering him. Approaching him in a neutral enviornment may be helpful. I think that it is important to express to him exactly how the situation made you feel. I would make it clear that yelling is unacceptable and he needs to understand that toddlers are not always the most cooperative individuals. I hope things get better soon!

Thank you! 

Yes, toddlers are definitely not the most cooperative of people!  I've many times tried to tell my husband that it's totally normal, and in fact you WANT them to test boundaries and so forth - it's a natural part of development.  But WE are the adults and we should know how to respond appropriately when they do test those boundaries. I think the irony is totally lost on my husband when he screams at the kids for not using their "indoor voices."

I think tonight just showed me how much all this yelling really is effecting my 3-year-old.  It's just gotta change.  

Once I'm once again the head child caretaker, I think things will get a bit better.  But, really, it'd be nice if I could trust him with both kids alone for short periods of time.  As it is, even just going to the bathroom and leaving him with both kids alone almost always ends with me coming out to a kid crying and him yelling. :(

I am glad you arranged for a sitter for the remainder of your lift restriction time period. I do think that you may need to insist on counseling or that he talk to a third party...maybe another husband/father with older children that have already gone through the toddler stage. Do you think he would be willing to go to a parent or dad's support group? I really feel for you and your kids, however it sounds like your husband is struggling and hurting too. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to listen. My kids are 16, 14, 12, 10, 9 & 9. Toddler years were a tough time for me, so I get it!! Our house is crazy busy. I am in grad school and all of my kids have activities. Our oldest works and just started driving...talk about stress, LOL...life can get crazy but my husband and I try to keep it all in perspective and patience is key! Take care and hugs!

Breaks my heart. The kids don't deserve that but we've all been at our breaking point with kids and having you in recovery has to be tough on him. LISTEN======>>>Watch for any other incidents of anger or rage because it only takes a SPLIT second for something to go from bad to worst and it won't be intentional but it'll be the consequence of something you foresaw.

First, nothing is really off topic in a support forum. We are all here to support one another through all of this stuff that we call life.. we just all also happen to have issues with food and weight.

I am so sorry that during your recovery you are having to deal with this. You are right to think that your son didn't just dream up the word "terrible" he used it because it was used on him.  People tend in moments of stress to revert to the same parenting styles that were used on them when they were children.  Your DH may being doing this.  I agree that the fact that you have lost weight and will continue to loose weight may certainly be a factor as it the additional help that he is being asked to provide.
There have been a few occasions where I have found my own husband to be impatient with our 3 yr old.  He once said " your being bad!".  I had to take him aside and remind him that no, our son was not being bad- his behavoir was not acceptable.  Sometimes people have a hard time separating the behavoir from the person acting out.
You are absolutely right that kids that age will act out... it's how they learn about the world around them.  And your mother is right that most men (not all but most that I have seen) just aren't as patient around kids as women are.
But none of these are excuses for his extremely short temper. If he can't hold it together against a 3 year old - what will he do with a mouthy teenager just itching to break rules?
You should try again to talk to him about your concerns- try to get him to think about how he feels when they "push his buttons" and develop a strategy for those instances.  He needs to understand that toddler behavoir is not a purposeful, thoughtout affront to his manhood/parental authority or disrespectful.

I hope this works out for you.  As others have said... your  kids and your safety come first no matter what. If it gets any worse you may need to have him leave. You can't have a succesful marriage if you are concerned about leaving your DH alone with his own children. He needs to make you confident that when he is with the kids they are safe and loved and being dealt with in a patient way.
Keeping you in my thouhgts

 Could he have some depression issues? I can say that when I had postpartum depression I was feeling a lot like your husband seems to be. Going from zero to rage in seconds, always assuming my daughter had the worst intentions, lots of yelling. It was super, super hard for me to see it myself. I honestly always thought that my daughter was just a horrible baby and she was the one making me feel terrible, when in fact she was a pretty easy baby and I had screwed up brain chemistry.

Meds and counseling made all the difference. But it needs to get addressed right away before he damages your kids. What he's doing is verbal and emotional abuse, and you can't let it continue.